I am not Dr. Phil or God

[wallacedalton]

Hello to All!
I just need someone to talk to and I pray that I am not the only one that lives in my world.
I have 7 brothers and sisters, three children 25, 31, 33, four grandchildren.
My problems are intense.  My mom was the rock of Gibraltar and she passed away in 1993.  My family was misinformed sometime very shortly after that I had now accepted the position she just vacated.  It is call Lesa, she will take care of it, she will help you, she will pay it. 
I had a brain stem stroke in May of 1998.  First of all, let me explain, you usually do not live through this type of stroke or you are a vegetable.. 
My family never takes account for this.  I am the go to person, I am the referee, I am the counselor, I am tired.
My son (31) is maniac schizophrenic who will not admit that he is sick, nor take any  medication.  I constantly lift him to the Lord in prayer.  My oldest son (33)  and my daughter (25) keep me in drama land all the time.  I beg them to just quit texting and calling each other with the bull.  It is my daughter-in-law and granddaughter that do the texting with my daughter, then my son gets involved. 
I want to move so bad out of state.  I know you cannot run from your problems, but I would love to give it a try
My. son with the mental issues also has many physical problems as well.  He has a son from a girlfriend that I have not seen in going  over 18 months, he will be 3 in August.  It drives me crazy worrying about him.
I cannot handle all this anymore.
I pay  my younger brother's electric bill because my disabled son lives with him. My brother also has mental and physical problems. He only is able to work 20 hours or so a week through assisted employment. My son is awaiting a hearing with a Social Security Judge for his disability. I beg God each night to let me get his disability.
My husband's business is making nothing at all and he will not let it go because he has had this business for over 20 years. By the way he is my children's step father.  My son's have the same father and my daughter different.  My son's father left town when they were 3 and 5 and never looked back, my daughter's father died from cancer two years ago. I collected disability benefits for almost 4 years while recuperating from the stroke and then I started college and got an associates degree in accounting.  I am employed at a major health care company doing payroll for physicians working in the ER departments in my assigned hospitals.  I work 45 plus hours a week.
I receive phone calls numerous times a week from my children and some siblings with different issues.  I do not want to come home sometimes.  I would like to just drive, drive so far away that I would not be in the daily nitty gritty crap of it all.
I sometimes think my family would do better if I was not around.  I am not happy.
What would the rest of you do?

[BellaTerra66]

Welcome.  This is a safe and loving place.  And if you only read previous posts and replies, you may get a lot of help.

I am amazed your survived a brain stem stroke.  You must have an angel on your shoulder, and you must be very strong.

And I am so sorry about your husband's business.  This must be extremely hard on both of you.

I'll tell you what I did, after my children were grown.  It came from taking a time management course in college.  I wrote down everything I needed to do in the space of a week, Sunday through Saturday.  Then I prioritized everything.  For me, I needed time for myself each day.  Then there had to be time for my husband and me.  I certainly needed my job, and from the time I got up, got dressed, drove to work, actually worked and drove home -- that all often took 11-12 hours out of every workday.  I also knew I needed 7 hours of sleep each night.  Oh, and I went to college a couple of nights a week too, so my husband I didn't always get couple time.  Add in housework and laundry (which my husband helped with on weekends -- he also did all the cooking or I wouldn't have been able to survive), visiting relatives on some weekends, and socializing with other couples -- I didn't have a lot of time for anything else.  I didn't even have time to go to any church on Sundays!  I don't know how you're handling everything that you are.

Your children are adults, and, aside from your disabled son, they need to live their own lives and to stand on their own two feet.  Because unless you get your priorities in order (your priorities may not be the same as mine were, of course) and set some real firm boundaries, your life is going to continue on in the same way, and this has to be very detrimental to your health.  At the very least, you don't need your adult children and siblings calling you several times a week with their issues.  You're right -- you're not God or Dr. Phil.

I would strongly suggest some counseling, probably from your pastor?  You have to ask yourself what it is that you get out of playing all these roles, because you wouldn't do it unless you wanted to do it all.

I don't usually tell people what to do but you sound like you're at the end of your rope.  And getting in your car and driving away is not the answer, of course.  Taking a week's vacation by yourself appears to be out of the question both now or in the near future.  But I'm not sure that would help anyway.

I do wish you well.  I hope you'll stick around here.  I've learned a lot in the short time I've been here.

Bella

[luise.volta]

Grown children are grown children. Close the door. The nest is inside and they are outside. They will make mistakes, they are their lessons, not yours. Help your disabled son and clear out the cutter and drama from you life. You are a person. You have a life. Sending love...

[Orly]

When they come calling or in person with their problems....listen and then ask them "Weeelll honey, what are YOU going to do about it?"  I feel you have earned more than a break from the drama....do not feel bad about taking it.  Put their burdens down....they need to carry them or find a way to deal with them on their own.  I'll even send you my little left shoulder devil to bolster your own....they can cover any and all "selfish" feeling you may have with the blanket of "NOT ME!".
Just listen to that little whisper you hear about letting the guilty feelings go....

[cremebrulee]

It sounds like you have so very much on your plate...
I agree with the other ladies....start saying no, what you are actually doing is making yourself the victim by allowing all of this...time to put your foot down and say no....
a lot of times, people don't want to solve they're problems, they want a sounding board...
and you are they're sounding board...you need to put yourself first...and start saying no to everyone who comes to you by using Orley's recommendations...and if you can't take the steress of it, then tell them, no more....you can't...your sorry but you can't and you won't.  It is sometimes one of the most difficult things to do, for some of us, is to say no, but when you start, you'll find that people respect you more.  Your husband should actually start speaking up for you to....sounds to me, like you've allowed them all to treat you like this for a long long time....you have the power to stop it.  Please do so...

I'm so so sorry for all these troubles your having....try addressing one problem at a time, slowly, it's not going to happen all at once over night...it's a work in progress and will take time....however, if you apply it, it will happen....remember the catch phrase in Field of Dreams?  "If you build it they will come"  Well, stop building it...LOL and sending big big hugs....

Please stop in here to vent...we can be your sounding board...and lets together set up a plan...right now, which is your biggest problem that you need to address...which one right now, is the most annoying. 

I have an idea....

Try posting it in this thread, and lets all together address one problem at a time....and see how that goes...

Take that one problem and write it down here...in detail....and lets try address it together? 

[luise.volta]

Put new locks on your doors...change your phone number...sending love...

[BellaTerra66]

I'm with you, Luise.

[Nana]

I also agree Luise... CLOSE the door, put locks.....and see what happens later.

Hugs

[wallacedalton]

I am so glad for all the answers to my problems.  Sometimes it is good to vent and let it go.  I guess the issue that bothers me the most is the way everyone thinks I can fix them, I need fixing myself.  After I got to come home from Patricia Neal Rehabilitation after the stroke, I was not bothered by everyone else's issues.  No one needed me to fix them.  I feel like my children need to stand up to the plate and grow up.  I will do what I can to help my son that has so many health issues, but beside from that, I cannot take care of the world any longer.  We have counseling available at work and I think I am going to get started in that.  I need to know how to say no and not feel guilty.  I love my family, but I need space.

[luise.volta]

Wonderful. You are going to your own Dr. Phil, not trying to be one. Yes! I know it's hard to see this, but you will be doing everyone a huge favor. They will have more self-respect when they get more competent. Nothing to feel guilty about. It's a gift. 

[BellaTerra66]

I'm not sure there is a way to say no and not feel guilty.  But guilt can be a real devil masquerading as an angel.  We think, "Oh!  They NEED me!  I can HELP them!  So what if I die in the process!  I'll be known at St. Joan of Arc after I'm dead and gone!"   

The trick is to IGNORE the guilt and to REALLY LOVE them, which is to believe that they can and will grow up and solve their own issues AND learn to live with their unresolved issues, as so many of us do, because life is like that.  We also need to love ourselves.  We're not going to be good for anybody if we're sick or insane or dead because we couldn't get enough rest.

My youngest moved to OR two weeks before I moved to NM.  Financially he was a mess.  I brought all of his bills current, and, after he got to OR, I paid his car payment for six months.  This kid had done well.  He had gone to college for almost two years, had a great GPA, had worked at the same job for three years and had risen up to manager.  I figured he just needed a little help.  Yeah, right.  I don't know what happened but three months after I stopped making his car payments, his car was repossessed and he was evicted from his apartment and he wound up on the streets in OR.  I did offer to have him come live with me, but he didn't want to.  And I didn't send him any money.  It's four years later, and he has had his own apartment and has worked at the same job for the past three years.  Funny how they grow up when they have to.

Yes, there will be guilt.  Just ignore it.   

[stilltryen]

Yuck Wallace, your home life sounds miserable.  I'm a "talky" type of person.  I would fix dinner and make it mandatory that your entire family show up.  I would sit at the table and announce "new rules."  First, outline everyone's issues the way you see them.  Next, tell them that the family will have to come up with the solutions.  Ask your daughter what her opinion is of older brother's issues and how she would solve them.  Go around the table and have someone else come up with a solution to daughter's problems.  I have a feeling that they're not exactly going to want their problems and issues being discussed, and you can tell them that you're tired, you're beat and that they have to figure out their own problems or you'll convene another family discussion.  Pretty simple, if they bother you and bring up a problem, tell them it will have to solved at the next month's family conference.  Oh - and don't always have it at your house.  Tell your son and daughter-in-law they owe you a dinner.  They need to treat you as well. 

Secondly, don't answer the phone.  They can leave messages and if you don't think it's worthy enough to call them back, don't.  Sometimes siblings (even grown ones) can resort to the most petty complaints.  You'll feel too guilty not to wait to check the messages, but honestly, don't rush into answering.

All you can do for your mentally ill son and your younger brother is continue to pray and pay the utility bill.  They're adults and if they don't take their medicine, there's not a whole lot you can do.  Siblings?  Nope.  Tell them you have enough on your plate with your family, you can sympathize, but no, you're not mom and they're grown up.  If they persist, next time they call to whine, you whine right back.  "Oh Sally, I know what you mean.  What do you suppose I can do regarding the issues with MY family?"  Don't let them dump on you without you dumping right back.

Your grandson, I think you should make the effort to reach out to the mom and let her know you'd like to get to know the boy.  There's nothing you can do to get a bond going between your son and his son, your grandson.  That doesn't mean that you having your own relationship with the little boy is off the table.  Trust me, it'll be worth the effort.  Children can always use extra love and attention.

Ann Landers had a saying that no one can take advantage of you unless you allow it.  While you can certainly vent (and boy, does that feel so stinking good sometimes, I vent about my DIL all the time on here), and you can read the words of encouragement, advice, etc., when all is said and done, only you can change the circumstances surrounding you.  Heck, if you can bounce back from a horrible stroke, get through college, work 45+ hours a week - why are you allowing yourself to be a doormat for all this crap?  Seriously, you are woman, you are strong, you can kick butt.  DO IT - and don't look back.  While you will be the immediate recipient of peace and quiet, your family will also learn some valuable lessons they will need down the road.

Sending you my very best wishes . . . . . .

[DDM]

My mom was the rock of Gibraltar and she passed away in 1993.  My family was misinformed sometime very shortly after that I had now accepted the position she just vacated.  It is call Lesa, she will take care of it, she will help you, she will pay it. 

You are obviously over burdened and have finally hit the wall. I totally understand the desire to run away and leave it all behind. I've had the same thoughts myself - more than once! I think a lot of families operate similar to yours to different degrees. There is always that one member who seemingly has all the answers, is always there and is seen as 'the rock'. In many ways it is an honourable position. In other ways it is a curse - mainly because it leaves no one you can turn to when you need support.

It sounds like your family has functioned this way for many years with your mother being the matriarch - and now you. You will have to find a way to re-educate everyone and find a better balance. Coming to you has become second nature for them so it won't be easy. Your biggest ally may be your daughter because if the family dynamics continue she is next in line.

Welcome!