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Daughter in Law trouble

Started by animal_farm, July 27, 2019, 03:39:16 PM

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July 27, 2019, 03:39:16 PM Last Edit: July 28, 2019, 07:11:44 AM by Stilllearning
My son left at 18 and joined the Army. He met a woman with a son online. He got married at 19. I begged him not to. Anyway my new DIL hates me. She brags about being a mean person. She controls my son and uses my two new grandkids to keep him hooked.

I could go on and on about what she has said to me, calling me a bad name etc... over the years, but I won't. I really try to keep the peace but she is a total gold digging control freak and very manipulative. My son is an imp in her presence as she doesn't let him do anything without her permission. 

I just have a question. Last time we visited Alaska where he is stationed, I had to leave a gift there that my dad gave to my daughter. My dad and step  were there along with my DIL'S parents. We couldn't take the gift on the plane. It was perfume.

My DIL if refusing to send it via mail to my daughter unless we send the postage when she said in front of my dad that she would send it to us in CA. She was sucking up to my parents as they are rich. Am I being to sensitive about it?

I'm really mad. She is a money grubber and wont do anything unless there is something in it for her. My dad paid 40 grand for her attorneys fees for her first kid against her ex husband. My dad didn't bother to include me on that decision BTW. My DIL threatened my son she would leave him if she lost custody of her first child. BTW...she was pregnant with my first grandchild when my son married her. I suspect she trapped him. I warned him about that too.

My dad, my sons granddad spends money on them that we can't afford and has made my husband and I look like paupers. My DIL treats us like dirt as a result.

So am I being too sensitive about the postage? She looks for every angle to get others to buy her gifts and give her money.

Have any thoughts? I need some wise women to get some perspective on this.



Welcome A!!  We are glad you found us.  Now let me get the official stuff out of the way.......

We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.  I have edited your post a little.  If I can figure out the word you meant we edit it out.  Sorry!

I am so sorry that you are in this situation!  My DF was not in the picture so you have an added level of angst that I did not have to deal with.  I am sure that I would have told my DF that I thought he was getting milked every time I talked to him about my DIL (except honestly he would have been furious at the way my DIL treated me and I doubt he would give her the time of day, much less 40k!) but there is not much else you can do about your DF giving his money to her.  If you DD wants the perfume then I would send her the money for postage but I would make it a point to casually mention it to my DF the next time you talk to him.  Once the money for postage is sent (you could send her stamps so she can only use it for postage...) I would put the entire event out of my mind and spend my time trying to enjoy my life. 

Here is what I find happened to me when my DS picked what I thought was a totally inappropriate spouse......I thought about it all the time.  I mean all the time!  The more I thought about it the worse I felt.  The worse I felt the more I complained.  The more I complained the more people wanted to avoid me.  The more people avoided me the more time I had to think.  The more time I had to think the more I thought about.....well you get it!  It was a total circle, a whirlwind, a whirlpool that sucked me down into what I now call the abyss.  I lived in that abyss for longer than I had to, actually I lived there until I found this website.  I was totally miserable and so was everyone around me.  My marriage suffered and my younger son actually lost his mother for a while because all I could think about was my horrible DIL.

Here, in a nutshell (hopefully!) is what I learned.  I am responsible for my own happiness.  If I am unhappy thinking about something that I cannot change my only option is to stop thinking about it and start thinking about something else.  So now when my mind starts its descent into the abyss I pull it back and start thinking about something else.  Something that makes me happy.  Something that I enjoy.  It puts me on an even keel and lets me be happy.  I am just too old to let my life get hijacked by something that makes me so sad and mad. 

It has been a few years since I pulled back and stopped trying to fix my DS's life.  I adopted a couple of mantras that might help you:

1) Not my circus, not my monkeys
2) What I focus on expands

Anyway since then I have figured out some things.  My DS had lessons to learn (we are all learning lessons still, even me!) and my constant interjections were actually blocking him from learning those lessons.  He has since learned most of those lessons and we are closer than ever.  Honestly his wife has gotten much better in the last 6 months, a change in medication is working wonders, and for the first time I can see a glimmer of the person he fell in love with.  Things might work out OK in the long run.  Who knows?

The point is that maybe both your son and your father have some lessons to learn and perhaps your best position is on the sidelines watching but not coaching or interfering.  So for now go have some fun and forget about it.  When you cannot change things, worrying about them only ruins your life.  It never helps.

Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


Thank you for your reply. I raised a good son and I have been so sad that he found a narcissist as a wife. I get gaslighted and ignored unless they want something. Then all I hear are hints as to what she wants me to buy and passive aggressive insults. Then silence until the next round. My DIL brags about her mother being ruthless and cruel too. I can't understand how people can behave like this and be proud of themselves. My DIL calls all the shots and my son does exactly what she says. He has become less than what he once was.  I know I have to move on. I have for the most part. I just can't help getting angry when my DIL does something deliberately to make me mad.

The farm


Another thing I learned that might help you is that I control who makes me mad.  When I "let" someone "make" me mad I have given the power to them.  Or rather my third mantra:

Those who anger you, control you.  Take back your power!!

Hugs again! 

Hang in there! 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


Hi Animal Farm,
My heart goes out to you.  It is so hard to see your adult child in a seemingly unhealthy relationship.  My young adult daughter was involved in a bad relationship, but she wouldn't or couldn't see it, and I struggled for many years to get her to "see the light."  Boy, did she get upset when I used that phrase!  She had to see things in her own good time---which was four long years.  The more I pushed, the more she pulled away.  When I just pulled back and disengaged, there was no need for her to be antagonistic.  Maybe the same would be true for your DIL.  Whatever your father does, you can't control, so he will have to make his own decisions.  You are living by your principles and it's good to keep those boundaries in place.  I think Still Learning's suggestion to send the postage and just be done with it was spot-on.  I'd minimize contact and focus on the things that give you joy.  My husband and I spent a lot more time listening to music, walking in the woods, and visiting other family members and friends --- people who enjoyed our company and nurtured us.  We decided to not make DD and her BF the main story of our lives anymore and it made a big difference.  We had to be ready to totally lose the relationship with DD in order to gain it back, ironically.  I'd say don't give up your happiness for people you can't control.  We can only control ourselves.  All the best to you.


Hi, A. I love the saying, 'What you think of me is none of my business.' Most of us were brought up to please...and now we have to deal with what is being dubbed by some, The Entitled Generation'. If we get pulled into that our expectations
are going to take us down. I agree with the others that our emancipation is in turning away from it and focusing elsewhere on the things that bring us joy and positive expression. We're entitled, too! More hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama