July 21, 2019, 08:52:48 am

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DD nice to everyone else but me!

Started by Momstheword, January 20, 2019, 08:59:35 pm

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Momstheword

Dear Wise Women,
Can someone please explain to me why my DD is so nice to everyone else but me?
Her MIL and SIL (on her DH's side) and even my own sister (on ours) yet I'm treated like garbage, only shown any attention when DD wants something like a shoulder to cry (dump) on, or complain about how difficult things are financially with just her DH working.
She NEVER asks me to go anywhere with her, unless she's broke (and knows I'll pay)
She NEVER asks how I am, even after I tell her I've been ill
Yet if my sister is unwell she goes running down there at lightening speed!
My DD goes on and on and on about how wonderful her "auntie" is to her but if only she knew how much my sister speaks behind my DD's back! It got so bad, that I stopped speaking to my sister in disgust, and when I tried to explain why to my DD, she blamed me for the fall-out! :(
Even if DD knew the truth, I'm convinced she'd forgive my sister in a heartbeat, but me.....I say one word out of line (over the simplest thing) and all of a sudden I'm "rude" and "a drama queen" and "psycho"
Well, this psycho is done trying to please my DD, time for me!  Or is that being too much the "drama queen"?
Any pearls of wisdom would be greatly appreciated ladies, as I'm having a really down day today. :( 

Bamboo2

Sorry for your down day.  I've had many of them myself with my own daughter.  She loved spending time with BF and his large extended family, and BF's mom, who she ended up living with for a year, could do no wrong.  I did everything I could do court DD's favor.  It was only when I saw her treat me and DH with contempt that I finally decided I deserved better and wasn't going to stand for her nasty treatment of me.  I guess that, like some other moms I've read about here, I didn't really like the person she had become, so why was I chasing her so much and trying to get her to do things with me?  It sure wasn't self-respecting or a good example for her.  Plus it made DH miserable, too.  I stopped doing things for her that she had come to rely on, seeing that she had taken our relationship and my presence in her life for granted.  DH and I started some new hobbies together and I intentionally became more active and engaged in my own life, and realized that there were and are others who care about me and want me in their lives.  It was a looooooong process, with steps forward and backward, like you are experiencing. (You'll see some of those documented in my posts here). I just didn't want to be held hostage to the hurt and pain. 

I read something here on WWU once where a mom mentioned putting the hurtful relationship with her adult child "on the shelf", acknowledging that right now a break is helpful but might not be permanent.  She still wished the best for her AC, but didn't want to participate in a relationship that was not healthy.  For me, that seemed like a way to think about that difficult time in our relationship and how to not let it overwhelm me.  If our relationship is put on the shelf, then it can be taken off when there is mutual respect and a willingness to have an adult-to-adult relationship.  In the meantime, there is a freedom to focus on creating my own joy and healthy relationships.  That has really helped me to remember that what's happening now may not last forever and that I do have choices about who I engage with on a daily basis. 

Wishing you better days ahead.  (((Hugs)))

luise.volta

I, too, can relate to being 'kicked to the curb'. This may sound strange but I honestly thought my son must be feeling sad on some deep level to have made me, once someone he trusted, the enemy. I think I may have bowed out of the relationship as much for him as for me. He was a gentle, kind man.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Momstheword

Thanks ladies,
I really appreciate your pearls of wisdom, they bring much comfort to a weary tormented/defeated soul (aka parent of a mean adult child).
I think I will adopt that "shelf" of my DD until such time as she can be more civil.
If I am to survive her hostility, I need widen the distance between communications with her, to avoid being overwhelmed by the impact of her attacks.
Hugs to you both
xx

Momstheword

Hey all,

Sorry, I should've asked.....

Though I will do my very best to "shelf" my less than desirable relationship with my DD until she starts to be civil.  But does anyone know how to do this amicably without causing an argument?  That is, although I am more than happy to distance myself, my DD is such a controlling person that if I don't respond when she wants and how she wants, all hell will break loose!  :o

luise.volta

Hope we have given you something to think about. As you know, all we can do here is share our experience. We don't give advice...no one here is a counselor and it is probably time to close this thread. We are in your corner as you work your way through this.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama