April 23, 2019, 03:59:59 am

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Dont know what to do

Started by Gracie, January 18, 2019, 07:35:48 pm

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Gracie

Hi Im new here. So glad to find this site. My son has been married 15 yrs and has 2 children. Last Feb my son came to me and was very upset. He stated that he felt his wife was a narcissist and couldnt take the verbal abuse anymore. Of course I had no knowledge of anything going on over the years. From Feb thru april last year things got really bad and my son said he couldnt take it anymore and that he was worried also about the kids. At one point he told me that my Dil pushed him to the floor and was on top of him trying to get the car keys as she was being verbally abusive. He locked himself in the bathroom from fear of her. He would email me 3 or 4 times a night for 2 mths when she was asleep to tell me what was going on..and I of course was trying to be very supportive for him. He would come to my house when he could get away and even spent the night here. She would threaten to kill herself...leave without knowing where she was going and when she would be back..and just nonstop verbal abuse when home with my son. At the end of April my son kept saying he was going to speak to a lawyer about a separation. Well somehow she got a hold of his phone and then suddenly 3 days later shes laying on the charm as narcissists do. (Did alot of research on this). Suddenly hes telling me that things are now "fantastic". This is 3 days after talking about a separation. The emails to me stopped and I didnt really hear from him by phone or text. I didnt believe things were suddenly fantastic but thought i would give him some space in case they were working on things. My Dil not only totally stressed out my son over those 2 mths but seeing my son so upset and hearing how she was treating him made me and the family very upset to the point where I was having anxiety attacks. Every few days there were postings on social media about how wonderful everything was. Well mothers day rolls around and i tell my son that i would love to see him and the kids but i just cant see my Dil right now. I need time. Well he tells me if she cant come too then i wont be seeing any of them. So i told him that was his decision. I was upset because i did not raise my child this way. He couldnt respect my wishes after all i went through with him the past few months? Well we talked in June and he basically made it sound like everything that happened was my fault (even though i never said a bad word about his wife even during those few mths ..just basically listened). Over the years me and our family always felt like my Dil was controlling when my son would see us and for how long but i never said anything because that was his wife and didnt want to start any trouble. But this is the icing on the cake. I feel that i should have received an apology from my Dil for how she treated my son , me and the family because of how upset she made us. But it never happened. So now i havent seen or spojen to my son or grandkuds since june of last year. I have continued to send everyone birthday cards and gifts. As well as xmas ones. I would like to have my relationship back with my son but feel i cant be around my Dil drama and without an apology. Last time we talked in June he sounded like his mind is now like my Dil. Plus it sounds like if i dont accept her then forget it.Please tell me honestly if i am wrong about what i am feeling and if you have any suggestions. How can you raise your kids properly and they just turn on you so easily. So sad.

luise.volta

Welcome, G. If that is actually your first name, please change your User Name. We ask everyone to remain anonymous. I am the only exception because it is my Website.


All new members are asked to go to out HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.


I made the mistake of listening to my eldest son's marital woes and what followed was somewhat similar to your experience. I ended up the 'bad guy'. It was a tough lesson for me to get that their marriage was their business not mine and I should have told him that immediately. I was still in 'mom-mode', I guess. It never occurred to me to tell him that. I would never have told him the details of the issues I had with his dad! I guess I just didn't think of my son as an adult and an equal. Somehow, deep down, he was still my 'child'...long after I had finished my biological role and he was on his own.


I don't know if my experience will help you. Others may respond to your post and have different experiences to share with you.


As far as waiting for an apology. That, too, is an expectation I had many years ago. It took eons for me to learn that my expectations were about me and no one needed to fulfill them.


What happened for me is I eventually decided to turn toward those activities and friends that brought me joy. I did my best as a parent...not perfect...but still my best and I deserved to have a rewarding life.


Hugs...



Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Gracie

Thank you luise for your response. Parenting is never easy no matter what age our children are. .... Also Gracie is not my real name.

luise.volta

You're right. I am now 91 and my youngest is 63. I still mess up on occasion but he is very forgiving. Whew...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Bamboo2

Hi Gracie, and welcome!  You were caught between a rock and a hard place when your son involved you in his relationship issues.  I've been there, too. My situation involved/involves a daughter who somehow seems to court drama.  I'm finally beginning to realize that.  She has involved me in that drama, and I was happy to oblige, no matter what hour of the day or night that she called. There's something about her crying that just activates my Mom gene. Then I'd be awake all night ruminating about what had happened.  All in the name of "support".  Then, without fail, the next day would come and I'd hear the same refrain, "I overreacted, Mom", or "He overreacted", or "It was all just a big misunderstanding."  I came to despise those words.  But I've finally realized the problem was me. I was getting suckered into all the drama and I accepted it, when in reality, all of this is theirs alone to solve.  I never went to my own mom with my relationship problems.  I figured them out by myself or with the help of a good therapist.  I just can't know the details of my daughter's relationship problems, as much as I love her and care about her well-being.  It does me no good, and I have no control over any of it.  My daughter has chosen to be in relationships where there have been lots of issues.  I didn't choose those relationships, so why should I make them my problems?  As for your son, there is probably a lot going on that you don't know about, and whatever the future holds will unfold in its own due course.  It's a book that's still being written, but it's his book, just as my daughter's is hers.  In the meantime, we deserve to live our best life, free of all this drama and emotional pain.  Our health and well-being are important, and no one will care about that more than us.  That's as it should be.  (((Hugs)))