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Unusual situation son in law

Started by Slp, October 19, 2018, 10:53:09 am

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I have always moved to be near my daughter and grandchildren, I am the only baby sitter they have ever had ages 5 and 9. My son in law inherited his moms house  800 miles away- he also has been arrested (he says erroneously) of computer pornography. My daughter moved with him and my g'babies to the inherited home. I am now ill and she asked me repeatedly to move in with them "for my health and finances" also in the event that he is sent to prison in the coming months. I left home, my drs and family to move in with them. It's been 2 months. He is a nightmare. My daughter doesn't see it. He doesn't work and says he can't with the charges hanging over his head. He has said terrible things to me but not within her earshot and I'm not sure she wouldn't defend him if I said anything. I am now living in his house so it's more than awkward- he was so ugly to my dog I rehomed him and it broke my heart. As far as my health it won't improve but they've gone away for the weekend and left the kids with me also, I take them to school and pick them up etc. Because of what I've read here I feel less alone but there doesn't seem to be an answer for me except at least I'm here for the kids. I don't think he'll go to jail, it's been a year, he's living across state lines and with two small children so I might agree that they don't have anything to charge him with but either way this venue allowing me to learn and to vent is the best, thank u for listening and if there is some answer I'm notnthinking of please share! Btw my daughter has two degrees a high paying job and a lot of friends but she was molested by her uncle for years, possibly skewing her vision of things.


Welcome, S. We ask all new members to go to our Homepage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website. Thanks.

I had my dad with with us in his later years but have never lived with either of my sons and their families. It was hard with my dad. We all gave it our best but my husband and I both worked, so my Dad was alone a lot, and when we got home we were bushed.

What you describe is abuse to my way of thinking. Others may not agree. That's the value of a forum...multiple comments are made at times that offer differing experiences.

My take is your grandchildren are going to learn, no matter how everyone tries to hide it, that abuse is OK. Dad does it and Mom allows it. These days, hired domestic helpers are treated with respect and paid...or they move on. To me leaving is what will restore your self respect. It may not be easy to find a solution and follow through but you deserve better than to live in such a toxic environment.

We don't debate or respond with explanations here. This is a 'Take What You Want and Leave the Rest' forum. Sometimes it's useful information and sometimes it's not. We just share and let it go, counting on you to do the same.

Sending many hugs.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome S!!  I am glad you found us.

When my father was diagnosed with cancer he moved in with my family (Me, DH and two sons, one in high school and one in elementary school).  He was going through a really tough time with his health and we all tried our best to make things better for him and he did an incredible job of not judging my family's norms (which diverged from the way I was raised by vast amounts).  Every once in a while he would let something slip (dinner was too late, why were we playing with the kids instead of cooking....).  The tension naturally invaded my marriage and my DH and I had arguments.  Our house is small so there was no way that my father could not hear the arguments and of course he sided with me (how could he not?).  When he completed his chemotherapy he moved into an apartment because he was regaining his strength.  He wanted out so bad that he slept on the floor for the one night he had before his mattress and box springs were delivered.  I felt horribly guilty and begged him to stay with us for one more night but he was adamant (and stubborn)and off he went.

He rented an apartment close to us and was still available for emergency babysitting and I stopped by often to check on him.   It was the best thing he could have done for me and my DH.  Our lives settled down and my father got a life of his own.  He made friends, joined bridge clubs, enjoyed his life.  We still had him over often, especially for holidays, and I would invite all my siblings from out of town in for holidays too.  Anyway from then until the day he died he never slept at my house and that improved my relationship with him, my DH and my kids.  It was years later that my eldest did things that made me hunt up this website!

Anyway good luck and remember that you deserve to enjoy your life.  Start planning things that you enjoy doing to give yourself something to look forward to.  Hugs!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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December 04, 2018, 04:04:35 am #3 Last Edit: December 04, 2018, 08:52:44 am by luise.volta
Honestly, he seems like a rotten guy. If your daughter doesn't see that, I'm not sure there's much else you can do. I'm only hoping that your health had improved since you posted. Any updates?


Welcome W. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I have modified your post a bit and also ask that you choose a different User Name. All participants here, with the exception of myself because it is my Website, remain anonymous to protect their privacy in sharing their issues. We have been around for over a decade and have learned that works best. When you're ready, please post your own story under a separate heading if you wish. We look forward to hearing from you.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama