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Vent and need some advise

Started by conroemom, August 12, 2018, 01:10:09 PM

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August 12, 2018, 01:10:09 PM Last Edit: August 12, 2018, 01:29:43 PM by luise.volta
Yesterday was my mom's 79th Birthday. That morning I asked him if he would be there (my 20 year old son) he snapped at me anger and said yes. I don't know what I have done to him to treat me like this. Since he turned 14 he has changed and I don't understand why. His very smart and he has some good days (not many) He works hard almost 12+ hours Monday through Friday, he pays rent, 1/2 car insurance and he makes his car payments. His not a bad bad kid. But when it comes to me he treats me like he hates me, and I don't know why. I start questioning myself, what did I do to deserve this from him.

  anyways, at my mom's surprise birthday party I walked in and his sitting on the couch with this anger look. If looks could kill I would have been dead. I try to converse with him asking if he was a drink or cake or if he would like to bowl. he snaps at me and says no. I leave him alone and do my own thing, i noticed he got up and walked to my mom and gave her a hug and he walked passed me, I called out to him 5-6 times and he just kept walking never turning back to look at me. I can't believe he acted like this in front of my entire family.

I was hurt, I started to cry, I texted him and told him that was rude and to do it in front of everyone, he texted me back saying "Oh well."

I know I am a good mom, I have done so much for him to treat me like this, and I don't understand why. Today we have not talked at all, and I simply don't want to interact with him at the moment. I have asked him in the pass what do I do to deserve this kind of treatment, I have asked him in the past why does he hate me so much. (he says he doesn't hate me.) But he doesn't answer why he treats me this way.

At times I feel like doing the same to him, so he feels what I'm feeling but I can't, it's not me. What can I do? How can I bring the sweet 11 year old kid that he was back. We use to be so close and we would do so much together. I know I'm not a bad mother, I've been so good to him. Please help.


Welcome, K. We ask all of our new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website. I made two changes in your post to keep to our standards. Also, please consider changing your user name so there is no clue in it as to your identity. Remaining anonymous is what works best here. It is my Website, so I go by my own name. That's the only exception.

I found with my eldest son that his teens brought me 'enemy status'. Nothing had changed...but he did. I didn't understand back then that it wasn't my fault and I couldn't fix it.

I spent a long time in 'why' when there wasn't one...and defending myself to myself as though I was on trial. What finally surfaced for me was that I was choosing to be his victim and I could choose otherwise. I let him know that my home wasn't open to anyone focused on abusing me. I explained that I had a right to the sanctity of my own home. I also said it was very clear that living there didn't work for him and it was simply time for him to find something that did.

That wasn't what I wanted but I knew I was going to have to create my own solution and inner peace. My son wasn't going to contribute to that. I slowly moved through self-pity to self-respect. For me, they were very different. I sought friends and family that were supportive and activities that brought me joy. Slowly I healed.

Everyone here has a different story. We are here to listen and the share. We can't give advice but we can care. Hugs
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Hi C and I am glad you found us!! I am so sorry that you are faced with such an untenable situation.  I felt about the same way about my DS.  I went to the hospital with chest pains and was admitted from the ER and my DS could not even come by to give my DH a ride home.  Both my DH and I were livid and we certainly let my DS know.  Things did not change for us until I finally realized that I did not even enjoy my DS's presence because he felt like visiting us was an imposition and my DIL was texting every 5 minutes about when he was coming home.  She even went so far as to set a frying pan on fire on the stove and then call him to come rushing home.  It was ridiculous!  Anyway like I said one day I stopped and asked myself why I was struggling so hard to be around someone who made me so uncomfortable and mad.  I realized that my life was better (yes, better!) and happier if I did not include him or expect him to participate.

The next thing I figured out was that some holidays (Mother's Day, Christmas and such) were going to be difficult to manage without noticing my DS's absence so I started planning things.  There was one Thanksgiving when my DH and I decided not to have the big feast on Thursday because the weather was so wonderful.  We went canoeing on Thursday and I cooked on Friday when it was raining.  It was really liberating to realize that I could just shift the celebration around, Christmas did not have to be on December 25th.  So I started making plans for important days and letting my DS know what they were.  I stopped expecting him to show up (I knew he did not want to be there anyway) but I would tell him he could come if he wanted.

It was the most amazing thing.  Once I stopped pulling on him he stopped pulling away.  It was like I had been part of the problem by constantly demanding he change things.  I only had control over myself so the only way I could change the situation was for me to change the way I looked at things.  I started reciting my three mantras:

1) No news is good news
2) For things to change first I must change
3) What you focus on expands

I started practicing changing my focus.  When I thought about my situation with my DS I would tell myself number 1 and then work on changing my focus from that horrible situation to something that I enjoyed (like planning a camping trip).  My relationship with my DH was the first to improve.  He was so tired of trying to fix the impossible situation with my DS and so tired of watching me hurt without any way of making it better.  I never realized how unfair I was being to my DH until after it was over.

After a few months of loving detachment my DS realized what he was missing and has slowly moved into a better relationship with my DH and myself.  We are now seeing my DS and grands every Saturday (for the summer) and everyone enjoys it.  My DIL gets the day off from being a Mom, my DS gets help watching the children and I get the hugs and squeals that make my heart smile and brighten my life.

I know that I was fortunate with my eventual outcome but honestly when I pulled away it was out of desperation.  Things had to change, one way or the other.  I could not go on in the same way.  Period.  Quite frankly if it had turned out that I was estranged from my DS I think I would have been OK.  I just could not put up with being treated that way any longer and with the help from the wonderful women here I found my way of stopping the abuse.  After all no one can hurt my feelings  if I don't let them, right?

Anyway C, I feel for you and I hope you find a way to recover your former self from this horrible situation!  Hugs!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


Makes sense Stilllearning.

I have started pulling away from him. Letting him start conversations and not asking too much questions. Some days are good but most of them are not.
I wish I could crawl into his head and figure out what's wrong. He doesn't have much of a social life. And is always alone. I worry alot about him.


Welcome!  I, too, have a 20 year old son, and have been experiencing some of these issues like you for several years now  - I don't know anything, things I say (trying to be helpful, for example) get an eyeroll or correction -  you get the picture.  I think he is purposely trying to put distance from me so he can feel more independent.  In one respect, I think that seems developmentally appropriate, though I would say my son is pretty immature still. I think many attempts by me to maintain closeness have gotten rebuffed.  These days he isn't feeling too good about himself either, so it seems mom (me) gets the brunt of that.  Since he is back in our home again after dropping out of college, I am expecting respect from him, and actually things have gotten better---knock on wood.  His living here now is due to the generosity of my husband and me, since he is over 18, so if things get really out of hand, I'm prepared to take steps to have him move out.  Like you, I worry about my son not having a social life.  But here's the thing: I can't really do anything about that.  He gets to figure out what he wants out of life.  My worrying about it, or talking to him about it, or trying to control it has done nothing except irritate him.  He might choose to be a hermit his whole life.  That would be sad, but his life and decisions are his own.  Who knows?  He might get sick and tired of being alone and figure out ways to be with people. Or not. Since I can't change him, I have to focus on things I do have control over: myself and my life.  I can't say I'm doing a bang-up job of not worrying about him, but I'm on the journey. 

Wishing you all the best!


wow, that sounds like my son to the tee. Since leaving him alone and not starting up the conversations his been bit more mellow now. It's good to hear others having the same issues as me, and I'm starting to feel that maybe this is a norm for growing up sons. Thanks for telling me your story, made me feel better.