December 04, 2023, 03:52:44 PM


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

New Here - So Glad to Find You All!

Started by OhGal, August 01, 2018, 10:00:05 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


August 01, 2018, 10:00:05 AM Last Edit: August 03, 2018, 12:00:51 PM by luise.volta
Hello -- I am new here (thank you Jazz!)....My DS married his high school sweetheart 6 years ago.  Last September, they had twins. Everything was fine with my son until I suspect his wife got sick of him calling me to ask my advice about silly things long to cook a roast, etc.  One day, all calls and communication like that just...stopped. When I asked my son about it,he told me that he had to make a choice.  It wasn't me.  Well, I didn't really expect it to be me, but I also didn't expect that I would someday have the DIL from hell, who would make her husband make such a choice.

I have NEVER (to the best of my knowledge) done anything to make this girl feel bad -- in fact, I feel like I've always gone out of my way to make her feel special.

She has got this bizarre relationship with her mom.   It's all about her and her mom (even the wedding pictures -- her and her mom, getting ready for the day. None of, or with, me).  Her mom is included in everything -- including company picnics -- and my husband and my son work at the same place.  I've tried asked her if I've done something wrong; she is the supreme example of passive aggressiveness.  "No..nothing is wrong!!! How could you think that??"  Well, ok then...

Anyway, we are no longer allowed to watch the kids because a few months ago, while my husband was holding the baby girl, he stumbled and tripped over their dog - he couldn't see the dog over the baby.  The baby wasn't hurt at all -- my husband protected her against his body. If anything, my husband was significantly injured, by taking the brunt of the fall on his elbows.  The poor guy was in tears that it happened in the first place. I told them what happened, because if anything were to happen to the baby girl in the future (like 24-48 hours, etc.), I wanted them to know.  Many people have since told me I ws stupid for saying anything...but if I didn't, and something happened to her, I would never forgive myself for not saying anything.

We live 15 minutes from them; we've seen the babies about 4 times; they're 11 months old.  But my DIL's family is there constantly. They also live 15 minutes away.

In their house, she has the rooms filled with pictures of her family.  None of us.  None.

Her mother unfriended me on Facebook. I don't know why, except maybe she didn't want me to see all the time she was spending over there.

It's just not fair. My only consolation is now she has a son. One day he'll be married. I hope her DIL is just as bad as she is. Unfortunately, I'll be dead before I can see any of this unfold.

Thank you for letting me vent.  I hope I can be a sounding block for you, as well!



Welcome, O. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website.

I used to believe others could make us do something but in my relationships I find that to be a denial of responsibility. For instance, your son could have ignored the ultimatum given to him and continued on living in a war-zone, some do. Perhaps he opted for peace in his home and a peaceful environment for his children, as well as himself. Would you wish him otherwise?

My take with my own family has come to the place where, as adults...whether directly related or in laws, I  feels that they get to be who and how they are. Through the years, I have decided my job is to make my own decisions around my own sense of value and well being. It works better for me if I don't have any expectations that others will have the same perceptions...since they often don't.

And again from my own experience, which is the only place I can write from, my life hasn't never been fair. That's the nature of life.

None of the above may be pertinent to you. It's just all I have to offer beyond my interest and caring which are sincere. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome O!  I spent way too long in your position.  My DIL's father even accused me of calling his daughter names (which I never did) and not only unfriended me but made it so that I could not see anything he posted.  They were over at my DS's house all the time and I never got invited.  The unfairness of it all invaded my life and took over every waking moment.  I tormented myself and everyone close to me trying to figure out what I could do to change it.  I turned into the wet rag at the party, you know, the one everyone tries to avoid because I sounded like a broken record.  Everyone knew I was right but what could they do about it?  And listening to me just brought them down, hence the wet rag thingy.  This went on for a couple of I said way way way too long!

Anyway my life was miserable and my misery was infecting the lives of everyone I loved.  And then one day I had an "aha" moment.  I suddenly realized that I did not enjoy my DS's company anymore (because I was always walking on eggshells) so why was I fighting so hard to be around him?  I was fighting to be around the DS I remembered, not the person he had become since he married.  So I stopped.  I stopped calling, texting, pleading and inviting.  Then they got pregnant and although I stopped by the hospital, I went the second day.  I wanted to avoid her family, who came in in droves the first day.  I really think it hurt my DS's feelings but I always thought that the wife deserves to have her family there more than the husband on the first day, after all she gives birth and he just watches in awe, right?  Anyway their oldest child is 5 now and my DS and I are finally getting to know each other as adults.  I like the man he has become and I try to tell him often.  I don't see my DIL often.  My DS brings the two grands over and spends the day and my DIL gets the day off from children.  Seems to work out for everyone.  But I digress, sorry!

How did I manage to stop texting and calling, right?  I still wanted to be around the wonderful person who moved out of my house and it was a painful realization that he no longer existed and he had been replaced by a person who honestly did not long for my company.  I had to respect his wishes even though it went against every fiber of my mothering nature.  I knew he had messed up and that he would most likely need me someday but he had to figure that part of the equation out for himself and my involvement just made it more difficult for him to face the facts.  So I adopted a few sayings and whenever I thought about his situation I would remind myself of them. 

1) No news is good news
2) Not my circus, not my monkeys
3) What you focus on expands

The third one is really crucial!  I had been focusing my entire life on how unfair my situation was and the more I focused on it the more the unfairness took over my life.  I looked around and found things in my life that I enjoyed and people in my life that I loved and I started focusing on them.  At first it took a lot of practice.  I wandered back to what I now call the abyss (because it sucked all the happiness out of my life) many times a day.  Then I would repeat one of the first two sayings and refocus my thoughts on more pleasant things like planning a camping trip or going for a walk or hugging my DH.  With practice I became able to avoid the abyss most of the time and my life became infinitely more happy.  I am not saying that I don't have my moments of guilt and regret but I no longer allow them to take over my life.  I am getting old and I deserve to enjoy my golden years.  I did the best I could raising my children and now they get to take over their own lives and learn their own lessons.  Their poor choices point out their lessons to be learned, not my mistakes in rearing.  I feel bad that my DS is now unhappy in his marriage and I would have liked to help him avoid that situation but....not my circus, not my monkeys.  What can I say?

Anyway OhGal, the point is that the fat lady isn't singing and your job is to enjoy your life.  We all wish you the best!  Hugs.
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown