Please forgive me for posting this again, I found I had posted this in the wrong forum, I am new and not very savvy about this site.
Hello, I found this site when looking up distant adult children. I hope you can help me. I am feeling oh so sorry for myself. I have 2 adult children, a son and daughter both in their 30's. I have been married to their stepfather for over 20 years and they have a good relationship with him. The divorce from their bio dad was due to marital infidelity over many years among other things and was very, very bad. Despite this, I think I managed to hold myself together and raise them well, although I feel very guilty about the divorce (which was not my fault) but the suffered a lot of neglect and indifference from their father as a result.
Fast forward to the present, my son is single, a college graduate, living with his girlfriend who is very nice ad working in his chosen field and is very successful. He lives over 2000 miles from DH and I.
My daughter married her HS sweetheart just out of HS and despite my entreaties to think it over due to her age, her marriage is a success. He is a lovely person and a wonderful husband and father and they have been together for over 15 years (dating and married). She has a Masters degree and works at a high level administrative position.They are the parents of my only grandchildren, ages 8 and 5. DD and her family live about 30 minutes from us.
I am writing because I am confused. Neither of my children are affectionate people yet they have demonstrated that they love me in other ways, for example, last year, my DD went to a great deal of trouble to throw me a surprise retirement party and DS flew in for just that one night to be present. Another example is that my son was awarded a big prize in his industry and chose to take me as his "date" and paid for the entire thing, including my flight. This was several years ago.
So really I should be thrilled but I guess I am at a loss because they are so inconsistent. Both are not one to call just to chat, or check in. This year I did not get a card, or a gift from either for Mother's Day or my birthday (just a few days ago). As it happens, over Mother's Day DH and I babysat our grandkids for 4 days while DD and her hubby were on vacation for their anniversary. Upon their return, she gave me a chocolate bar. My son called me Mother's Day and asked if I had a wish list on Amazon (I had but I took it down when I realized that it was already Mother's Day and the moment had passed). Call me proud but I did not want to be an afterthought. Of course, I did not tell him that, I just told him I was so happy to hear his voice and that was good enough.
This year for my birthday (last week), DH took me on a trip. DD and DS called to wish me happy birthday and upon our return my DD asked if I could babysit the grands until summer camp started, which I did. No happy birthday, no card, no gift. I returned this Sunday and have yet to see her, all this was done via text.
Anyway, I am very hurt primarily because I have expectations which I know I shouldn't but its still a work in progress. I feel like I have done so much for them and they have taken me for granted. Financially I have given them thousands of dollars to help out, am constantly buying the grandkids clothing and shoes, babysitting on a regular basis, ect.
I remember a few years ago I took DD shopping to purchase baby clothes for DGD. DD was in a mood and after a few stores and lots of money spent I suggested we have lunch. I had so been looking forward to doing a girls type outing with her to buy things for my as yet born granddaughter and had planned to make a day of it. She basically walked out the mall and kept going, in the car I began to cry and I will never forget what DD said to me "Mom, your problem is that you have an idea of how things should be and build it up in your mind like a fairy tale and when it doesn't go that way you start to cry". I thought that was kind of cruel but accurate.
At any rate, I am in a quandary. I want to close the purse strings (by the way, they have NEVER asked me for money, I've always been the one throwing everything at them anticipating their needs). I don't want to seem petty but I am kind of done. Just this week, on impulse I went with DH and purchased DGS everything he still needed for baseball (DD and DSIL were grateful) and then yesterday bought DGD a bike for our house because the one she had here she had outgrown.
Again, I realize this is all me, I am giving stuff constantly without being asked. I don't know if I am trying to buy affection or love, or compensate my adult kids for their childhood. Any ideas? They are good people truly but it is not in them to be effusive or affectionate or even show much interest in DH and I on a day to day basis and my feelings get hurt. Thanks so much in advance.