Author Topic: My 3 kids want nothing to do with me  (Read 896 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Hart2Hart

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
    • View Profile
My 3 kids want nothing to do with me
« on: April 22, 2018, 05:00:59 PM »
Long long history, but I have 3 adult children who run extremely hot and ice cold toward me. They were all raised by their dad and we were finally able to establish a relationship in their late teens and twenties. I have tolerated the abusive and disrespectful treatment always being made to feel i am a horrible mom and i should be grateful they even speak to me. I am a good person, a loving mom who bends over backwards and i walk on eggshells for fear of making someone angry at me (and someone always is). Most recently, my husband and i allowed my pregnant daughter to stay with us while on maternity leave. She was abusive, disrespectful, and inconsiderate. She is 26yo, single, and at the time, homeless. My first granddaughter was born exactly 12 days before my daughter woke me up screaming and angry she had not slept, the baby was crying and wouldn't stop. I offered to help and she went berserk on me. She called me names, said i wasnt her mom and I am not her babies grandma. She left that day and said i would never see my grandchild. Her sister and brother think im horrible and now they want nothing to do with me either. I am heartbroken. I tried, too hard, to make them happy. I have never been so sick with grief. In my heart i know this cycle of toxic love has to stop, but how do i let it go and move forward?

Offline Stilllearning

  • Global Moderator
  • Sr. Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 469
  • Life.....never exactly what you expected!
    • View Profile
Re: My 3 kids want nothing to do with me
« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2018, 03:32:10 AM »
Welcome,H. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I had a real eye opening moment when I realized that I did not enjoy visiting with my DS anymore.  When I saw him I was constantly on edge, afraid that what I said might drive him further away and I would loose him forever.  Why was I so driven to be around someone whose company made me so anxious?  Was I some sort of masochist?  Did I enjoy being hurt? 

So I stopped.  It sounds easy but it wasn't.  I had to train my mind to avoid the thoughts about my DS.  I adopted a new mantra "No news is good news" and every time I thought about my DS I would say my mantra to myself and force my thoughts on to a more pleasant subject.  I started allowing my mind to dwell on the things in my life that were (and are) good and ignore that one facet of my life that was hopelessly entangled in despair.  I rediscovered an old saying "What you focus on expands" and I actively worked on focusing on the wonderful parts of my life.  I rekindled my relationship with my DH and started planning things that were fun for us.  I even moved Thanksgiving to Friday one year so that my DH and I could spend the last wonderful weather day of the year canoeing instead of me spending it in the kitchen cooking.

All of this happened years ago and there was a definite disconnect with my DS but eventually he has reconnected with us and now our relationship is on an entirely different level.  He does not blame us for his marriage to his bipolar wife or the ensuing problems it has caused.  We enjoy his company and the grands when they come to visit.  For me, there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  For some of the wise women here there was a light but it did not include their children.  Still most will agree that there comes a time when you have to let your children make their own mistakes and live their own lives.  We are done raising them and we deserve to enjoy the rest of our lives.  We did the best we could at the time and now we are finished being responsible for our children's lives, good or bad.

Hart, please explore our archives and I think you will finds some stories that will ring true with yours.  Know that we are here for you and on your side.  Good luck!!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8967
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: My 3 kids want nothing to do with me
« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2018, 08:53:36 AM »
Welcome, H. I have a story that isn't the same but it's as sad. It was hard for me to let go of it. That may sound strange but I got stuck in self-pity and how unfair and even cruel it was. It felt to me that to give up trying to understand it and fix it was agreeing with it somehow. On the other side, I eventually found peace and retrieved my long dead self-respect. A tough journey but the healing has gone deep and I'm at peace. Hugs
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Hart2Hart

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
    • View Profile
Re: My 3 kids want nothing to do with me
« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2018, 05:11:38 PM »
I realize i have been dwelling on something i have no power to change. I am just devastated to be shut out of my first grandbaby's first days, weeks, months...i am very much feeling victimized, hurt, angry...all of it. At this point im shutting it down. Im moving towards the happy part of my life. My beliefs have been my rock and i thank you for your insight. I cant breath when i think of missing out on my sweet girl, but i cant do this anymore.  ?2?
« Last Edit: April 23, 2018, 05:59:28 PM by luise.volta »

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8967
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: My 3 kids want nothing to do with me
« Reply #4 on: April 23, 2018, 06:07:13 PM »
I know I felt like a victim because I was one. My anguish and anger were something I had to go through. The loss was overwhelming. I almost got stuck there and came close to making the rest of my life about it. You sound to me like you are facing it and moving through it. We are here to cheer you on and to share that many of us have found that there is life, and yes, even peace and joy, after parenting and grand parenting. Not our choice, yet fulfilling.[size=78%] [/size]
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline amflautist

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 18
    • View Profile
Re: My 3 kids want nothing to do with me
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2018, 07:06:24 AM »
I realize i have been dwelling on something i have no power to change. I am just devastated to be shut out of my first grandbaby's first days, weeks, months...i am very much feeling victimized, hurt, angry...all of it. At this point im shutting it down. Im moving towards the happy part of my life. My beliefs have been my rock and i thank you for your insight. I cant breath when i think of missing out on my sweet girl, but i cant do this anymore.  ?2?

Dear Hart2Hart, I too know what it is like to be shut out of your first grandbaby's life.  In my case, it is my first two grandbabies - they are identical twins, now 3 years old.  And the shutout has been accomplished by my DIL, with the assistance of her all-too-willing spouse, my DS.  I did not reach peace on this until I finally said to my DS - no more!  I will not be pushed and pulled and promised and sent away at the last minute ever again.  I had to withdraw for my own sanity.  I can't say that the peace comes easily.  I still have periods when it hurts and I think about it - like last Sunday at the library when I saw a 3-yr-old holding his dad's hand and learning how to return books.  However, when you finally decide enough is enough and say it out loud, say it to whomever is listening - including your daughter - you will know it is the right decision.  I felt at peace for the first time in 11 years when I finally told my DS enough-is-enough. 

I hope you find peace too.