Author Topic: I'm 33 and Mom wont speak to me  (Read 443 times)

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Offline Lynzrei08

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I'm 33 and Mom wont speak to me
« on: April 15, 2018, 07:43:08 PM »
I'm new here.. and this is going to be long.. and different because I'm the daughter. Maybe I can get some insight on what to do here.

Background: rough relationship with mom in teenage years, fought a lot.. bunch of drama. I wasnt a bad kid, didn't drink, smoke, do drugs.. but got accused of doing those constantly and was suicidal for 6 most in 9th grade. Mom hated any boyfriend I had and made mean nicknames for them that she was proud to tell me. Didn't like most of my friends and talked bad to me about them. Used me as her emotional sounding board during HS regarding my dad's emotional affair.. told me about all the bad things my dad did to my mom when I was a baby because he was an alcoholic.. he's been sober a long time but we've never been close. My brothers really messed up and she uses me as her therapist regarding my brother and my dad. She also tells me about her sex life with my dad and laughs and calls me a prude when I tell her I'm uncomfortable. 

I'm not trying to bash her.. we did have a good relationship, but I just felt like we were too close.. as she didn't have any hobbies or friends except me.

FASTFORWARD: I've been married for 9 years. My mom never liked him, tried to get me to not marry him.. solely because she doesnt like his personality, hes quiet and reserved.  She says he doesnt talk to her enough so she thinks he hates her which is untrue.. hes just quiet. She says hes fat, unattractive, etc.
  Her behavior bothered me.. but in the past 2 years had been getting worse. It got to the point where if he would call or text me when i was with her she would get angry and upset, even if he was just asking what we needed from the store. I would have to go into the bathroom just to call or text him back.
   Me, my DH and our DS came to stay a week with them at their beach house for vacation and then my DH and DS went home and I stayed another week just with them. The first thing out of her mouth was "thank God hes gone".. and then goes on to complain about him.
   I tried to keep them separated for a few years except on holidays cuz its unavoidable.. and she would be nice to his face but then would call me the next day to rant about him when he didn't even do anything wrong. Hes quiet and it means he doesnt like her and he probably talks about her behind her back.. ugh. Nothing you say can convince her otherwise.
   Before our blow up.. she called and told me that hes taking me away from her and started demanding to know how much money he made a year because she was worried he couldn't take care of us..( we own our own home, he owns a restaurant and I own my own business and could go back into nursing if I needed).. we still have the restaurant but he works in govt contracting now as well. She also said that hes never wanted her to be a part of our family.. wth?!
   
BLOWUP: i finally had enough.. i ended up telling her.. as politely but as athoratively as i could that she has to stop talking about him like that to me. I understand she doesnt like him but she needs to stop. I guess i went into too much detail about how it was making me feel and i brought up instances that hurt me.
   She turned it around on my DH saying hes rude and he did this and this and things can never be repaired.
  I tried to talk more but she refused. Silent treatment begins. I sent texts saying "i love you" and pics of DS. Nothing. I sent multiple texts trying open communication. Nothing. Few months go by and now it Thanksgiving. I sent a happy Thanksgiving text.. she didn't respond. Sent a merry Christmas text.. she sent one back saying "merry Christmas DS!" She did mail presents to DS and a check that I did not feel comfortable cashing. She was very angry about that.  DS Bday comes.. she sends me a text only asking if I can bring DS to see her so she can give him presents, nothing more. I tell her, Sure, he would love to see you.. but we need to talk first.  VERY bad idea. She was full of hate, didn't want to discuss anything, I suggested we go to therapy for communication and she laughed at me. Hung up the phone and cried.
   She did send me a text calling me pitiful because I wouldn't let them see DS or cash the check.. I never said she couldn't see him, only that we need to resolve these issues first. 
  It's been about 2 months since that last text.. and one month since I texted her saying that I needed an apology from her. No response. It's going on 8 months of all this.
    My dad called saying I need to call her and fix this.. and its ridiculous.. And she's just being a caring mom and one day I'll understand. I told him I've tried and she refuses to have a conversation with me. He said he would TRY to get her to call me. It's been almost a month since.
    I'm at the end of my rope, I cant do this anymore. I dont know what to do except for to just say " I love you, but I wont accept communication until both of us go to therapy to work on ourselves and then we can reevaluate. I just cant mentally do this anymore
...

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I'm 33 and Mom wont speak to me
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2018, 10:38:52 PM »
Welcome, L. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.


In the last ten years we have had other daughters-in-law bring their issues to us. When I started this forum, I called it MothersInLawsUnite.com. Within a year I had to change it to WiseWomenUnite.com because several daughters-in-law joined our ranks.


We don't give advice We aren't professionals. We just pas on our experience. I had a marvelous mother-in-law, so I have no experience to offer you. You can read our archives and find good feedback and others hopefully will share with you.


I do recall several truths we have come to agree on here:


If we allow abuse, the young children around us learn it's OK.
We can't explain the unexplainable. Whys are useless.
We can only change ourselves not anyone else.
Our expectations are ours, it's no one's job to fulfill them.
Once an adult child leaves home they get to choose.
We matter and deserve respect. It starts with self respect.


There are many more that others here may want to share.
We care. That's why we're here. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama