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Advice on Inlaws

Started by Chesa311, March 29, 2018, 01:22:40 PM

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I have been reading this site on this topic for about two weeks and I am ready for goes. I have been married five years to a wonderful man...literally the man of my dreams. His parents are very nice but very smothering and lack appropriate boundaries. So i have done what the daughter in law does in these situations and emotionally checked out to force boundaries to come into place. I am nice if i see them but i feel i cannot be nice and welcoming without them taking that as a sign we want to see them weekly.  And DH doesn't like confrontation so he won't address my issues with them. I do see my parents regularly and they see my son weekly but the difference is. I can be honest with my parents because they're MY parents. I am comfortable telling them no if they overstep. For example, my dad recently showed up at my house without giving me advance notice. I was taking a bath. I told him not to show up again with calling first because i might be busy. He understood and the subject was dropped. If that was my inlaws, i wouldn't be comfortable addressing it and i would've just resented them. I digressed a mother in law is very sweet and gentle. She is not vindictive but when she wants something...she demands it in a passive aggressive way...for example, for Christmas a couple years ago, we spent Christmas with DH family...his sister and her boyfriend who do not live in the area came to town. It was a nice enough visit, but the next day MIL called DH and guilted him about why he did not come over for breakfast that morning since his sister was still in town...the guilt worked and DH dutifully went over that afternoon. I did not but i was very bothered because I knew DH did not want to go; he is just nonconfrontational and a peace maker so the pattern goes that if his mom persists, he will go. For Easter, we went over for dinner and afterwards...his mother told us she had hidden eggs all over her yard and wanted DH and I to find them....we are in our mid 30s. I went along with it so as not to make a scene but i was offended that she did this without asking us and assumed we would want to do we are two professionals not two children. Our second child passed away several hours after he was born and DH and I were devastated....both our parents came down and saw us the day it happened...however, the next day, MIL and FIL showed up at the hospital again without letting us know they were coming. Not even a text to ASK if we wanted company. To be honest, i did not want visitors as i was completely distraught and wanted to grieve with just my DH but again i was forced to entertain them at a time i wanted to focus on DH and our first born. The next day FIL texted us to see if we were still at the hospital as MIL wanted to come down again. I asked DH to please ask his parents to not come as i really didn't want to see anyone. DH relayed message to his father via text but FIL responded asking if DH could please call his mom to tell her over the phone...i couldn't believe it. Here DH had already told his dad we wanted to be left alone and his mom wouldn't accept the text and made DH call her when he had enough to deal with. DH called his dad on his birthday but did not speak to his mom. Later that day, we received a text that his mom "felt left out" and could we please call her before 8:30 that night? DH read it and ignored it. MIL may not have any bad intentions but i resent the fact that she puts her own needs above ours and DH won't deal with it, so for years the relationship between inlaws and myself has been slowly going downhill. I see them every couple of months, but i am completely emotionally disconnected and they know it, and we're all being polite but that's it. My husband obviously knows how i feel but he won't bring it up to his parents because he doesn't want to hurt their feelings and he doesn't like confrontation. It is not my parents so i don't feel i have the right to address it without his consent. So i go see them occasionally out of respect for DH, and I've told him he is welcome to go over more often without me but he doesn't want to so the situation doesn't get any better. Thoughts?


March 29, 2018, 04:27:13 PM #1 Last Edit: March 29, 2018, 04:48:16 PM by luise.volta

Welcome, C. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WUWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

I lost a son just 15 hours after he was born and remember as clearly as if it were yesterday, how that felt. I can't begin to imagine how having all the rest of what you describe piled on top of it must feel.

Your husband won't speak up because he doesn't feel comfortable and you don't speak up because you don't feel comfortable, either. His reasons are longstanding and yours sound well-founded. This comes across to me as serious. I think if I were backed into a corner like that I would seek professional help. It would have to be a two-fer with both of you caring enough about each other and the quality of your marriage to slog through it together. Hugs...

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama