June 06, 2020, 06:17:44 am


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My adult daughter never shows me affection

Started by SP, March 29, 2018, 12:20:49 am

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My daughter age 30 never hugs or kisses me. She never says I love you unless I say it first. My oldest daughter is very affectionate and tells me she loves me all the time. I don't know what to do it hurts me.


Welcome SP and we are glad you found us.   We ask all new members to go to the Home Page and read the posts under Read Me First.  Please pay particular attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure that WWU is a good fit for you.  We are a monitored website.

I moved your post to the Adult Sons and Daughters page.  I will try to post more later but I am on my way out the door for work right now.  I did want to ask if you thought your younger daughter might be jealous of the older daughter.  I am a younger daughter and I went through several times in my life where I was jealous and it surfaced in ways that were surprising.....even to me.  Sorry I can't say more right now but I will check on you later!

Welcome again!!!  We hear you! 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


Hi again SP!  It is my lunch break so I don't have long now either, so sorry!  The one thing that I have figured out through listening to the wise women here, is that I could not fix my relationship with my DS and the more I tried to fix it the worse my life got.  I got sucked into what I now call "the abyss".  I knew I deserved better, without a doubt.  I spent way too long in my self pity mode asking "Why me?  I did everything I could to make his life happy.  Why is he treating me this way?"  Then one day I realized that I did not even enjoy the time I was spending with my DS so why was I so adamant that I get that time?  Why was I doing everything in my power to draw my DS closer to our family when he just pulled away harder and harder.  Who was it that I was missing?  It was the young man I raised, not the married man he is now.  So I grieved for a while and I quit trying to fix things.  Yep, I just quit. 

My life began to improve almost immediately.  Yes I still visit the abyss, but I do not stay there for long.  I remind myself that I have a loving husband and another son who bring me joy beyond compare.  I try to focus on them and my life continues to improve.  My DS is getting closer and closer to my DH, and I.  I think that once I stopped pulling he decided he wanted a relationship with us.  I am getting to know the person he is now and I have to admit that I am proud of him.

Good luck in your struggles and remember that we are on your side!!

Gotta go....gonna be late!

Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


Welcome. My biggest problem has been my expectations. I don't know if this will help you or not but I had to learn that my adult children got to make their own choices and it even applied to me. One of my sons decided he didn't like me. Originally, I thought I could change that or at least challenge it. It took a long time before I got that my expectations didn't have to be met by my adult children. When I got to that place, I let go of being his victim and focused on what was working in my life instead of what wasn't. Not easy...no way, but it turned out to be the pathway back to my inner joy. I will never put anyone, even my kids, in charge of that again.
Sending you hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome, SP.  I'm going to come at it from a different perspective, one that I'm going through with my 20 year old son.  This may not at all be the case with your daughter.  My son has never initiated saying he loved me, and only initiated hugging me when he was little.  I thought it was an extended adolescence, or lack of attachment from being adopted, or just being a boy or introverted or non-expressive...I always hoped he'd grow out of that. Now I'm beginning to realize that he may be on the autism spectrum and just uncomfortable with physical contact and expression of emotions.  Some people with this condition don't express their love verbally more than one time in their whole relationship, even in a marriage, because they feel it's redundant. One thing that has changed for me is to realize there are different ways to show care for one another.  With my son, I might be reaching for small things, but I've been able to recognize his small gestures and thank him for them.  He will reciprocate when I give him a hug and/or "I love you" now, and I know it is not natural for him so I don't do it every time I see him.  But it does make me feel good that he reciprocates.  One useful book that describes different ways to show love is called The Five Love Languages. 

As I said, this may not apply to your situation with your daughter at all, and there may be more to your story besides a lack of showing affection, but as always on this forum, please feel free to take what you need and leave the rest.  Wishing you well.  Here's a hug  (((Hug)))