Author Topic: I have to write a letter of goodbye to my adult son  (Read 1744 times)

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Offline island life

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I have to write a letter of goodbye to my adult son
« on: March 10, 2018, 02:18:19 PM »
Please help,
My heart and my head are not at the same place and I have to let go for my health and my sanity.
I don't know how to start i''m all-over the place
Thanks

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I have to write a letter of goodbye to my adult son
« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2018, 04:11:00 PM »
Welcome, I. We ask all new members to go the our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to make sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.


I anguished over the same question you have posed. I know there must be others who have, too. What I finally came up with was that whatever I wrote, it would be misunderstood, misquoted and used against me. By the time it became necessary for me to call it quits, for my own survival, my communications had been consistently ignored or ridiculed for a long time. My son didn't care what my experience was or where I was coming from. We would never have reached that place, otherwise.


I finally realized I had to write the letter for me, not for him. And so I did. In fact I wrote to him several times being careful never to send any of them. It was some time before I healed to the place where I had nothing more I felt driven to write. Beyond that it was years until I destroyed what I had written...but I did get there.


I gave his childhood my best, imperfect because we all are, but/and still my best. I raised him to stand on his own two feet and make his own decisions never dreaming that one day he would decide I was dispensable and eventually that I was a negative factor in his life. It took a long time before I got I couldn't fix it, since it wasn't about me. I fell for his blame game for way too long.


Peace came into my heart and life, eventually. I get stuck in self-pity for a while which I think, like anger, can initially be healthy in small doses. I moved on when I realized my son wasn't torturing me, I was the one doing that. Hugs...



Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline island life

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Re: I have to write a letter of goodbye to my adult son
« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2018, 04:24:17 PM »
Oh my, Thanks Luise.
Yes , it does not matter what I say to him
Yes , I have been ridiculed for my feeling
Yes , I am tired of trying but I have a hard time of letting go
I think like you I will try to start a letter with no intention of sending it , it's a good idea and see where it lead me .
Thanks for the promp respond it make me feel better thanks

Offline Jehanne

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Re: I have to write a letter of goodbye to my adult son
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2018, 09:13:29 AM »
I did write a letter, in response to an email DS sent, 10 months after the grand finale that ended my willingness to stay in contact with him. I agree with Luise that it's a useless exercise. Mine wasn't very lengthy. I just wanted to make it clear that I'm really done. He always presumed that I'd hang in and accept the crumbs he threw, regardless of his constant acts of invalidation, his disrespect, and his blatant cruelty toward me and his older brother. I used the word "sadistic" to describe his behavior, and I meant it. So there was no intention on my part to invite reconnecting. I wanted to close the door with finality, on what had become the most painful relationship in my life, so that I could begin to heal. My letter was hand written and mailed. The envelope was marked "personal and confidential" but my letter was mailed back to me (without comment) in an envelope addressed by his wife. Why did he email me after 10 months of no contact? Although he didn't say so, I knew he was about to buy an expensive house. I'd helped him out with "bridge loans" to purchase property in the past. So it's called "hoovering" when there's a manipulative purpose behind sucking you back in, only to be used again. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I have to write a letter of goodbye to my adult son
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2018, 09:24:19 AM »
I, too, had a really hard time with the 'whys'. I'm a logical person. Eventually, I got that I couldn't make sense of the senseless. More hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Jehanne

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Re: I have to write a letter of goodbye to my adult son
« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2018, 09:57:02 AM »
(((?))) Hugs do help!
Trying to make sense of what is senseless kept me stuck for too long. My mantra has always been "Love always wins." I lived by that and said it often, while raising my sons. When the anger and pain overtake me, I remember love. 

Offline island life

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Re: I have to write a letter of goodbye to my adult son
« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2018, 01:33:24 PM »
Thanks Jehanne ,
I to have taken the crumbs that his wife allows him to send my way .   I am tired and decided to stop the money so I know that the relationship will stop as well , don't take me wrong my heart is in pieces but I will survive.   He was raised with so much love , I think that is the hardes to overcome .
As you probably can tell I am still all over the place
I need time
Thanks ladys for your help     

Offline Jehanne

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Re: I have to write a letter of goodbye to my adult son
« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2018, 04:28:39 PM »
Everything you've said was my experience too. I'm hoping that those wounds won't feel so fresh, sometime soon. That's why going No Contact helps, so that new wounds won't be incurred. I was doing better, until a couple of weeks ago, when OS delivered a hurtful msg from YS. No communication w GS from either me or OS will be welcomed. That was inevitable, but so painful.

Offline island life

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Re: I have to write a letter of goodbye to my adult son
« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2018, 04:27:26 PM »
It's been a long temps since I talk to him and I miss him but I have to get used to it because I will not contact him because I know I will crack , and if he know I am fragile he is going to take advantage , but it feel good to sait that I miss him and that you guys understand
Again thanks for listening

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I have to write a letter of goodbye to my adult son
« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2018, 05:05:22 PM »
For me, knowing I was not alone made a lot of difference. At first, I got stuck in self-pity and there was no one to turn to that understood. Then a friend that I thought had the perfect family confided in me and I was stunned to find out she thought I had the perfect family. We shared our hearts out!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline island life

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Re: I have to write a letter of goodbye to my adult son
« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2018, 05:51:12 PM »
It really feel good to share , for myself all my friends have a decent family, there adults children's are in contact and have Sunday dinners and spend time with there grand children. They know that there is a problems but nobody talk about it ,I gest they don't want to hurt me, and to be honest I would probably lie
Thanks for listening (Sorry for all the mistake , English is my second language )

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I have to write a letter of goodbye to my adult son
« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2018, 06:28:27 PM »
What you write is easily understandable. I only know English and can't communicate at all in any other language. Not a word.


I think being unable to tell the truth is how my friend and I got into trying to look good. We thought we were the only ones with such problems. Since then we have found that perfect families are few and far between because they are made up of imperfect humans. Sending more hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline island life

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Re: I have to write a letter of goodbye to my adult son
« Reply #12 on: May 02, 2018, 04:40:47 PM »
Thanks
I still not have written the letter , I think about it everyday but nothing is coming out .
But I have to admit that the pain is less and less ,he is a man...
Again thanks

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I have to write a letter of goodbye to my adult son
« Reply #13 on: May 02, 2018, 06:00:52 PM »
I wrote many letters to my son and in looking back I know they was part of my healing process. I didn't send any. I knew they would be picked apart and misunderstood.


Yes, each day that brings less pain is a win! Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline island life

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Re: I have to write a letter of goodbye to my adult son
« Reply #14 on: May 02, 2018, 10:20:42 PM »
I miss his voice , his face ,his smile , his goofy way to say Mother , his hug , his I love you mother .
Thanks for listening