Author Topic: Conflicted  (Read 3956 times)

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Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Conflicted
« Reply #15 on: March 07, 2018, 04:25:17 PM »
Oh Frustrated, I have been exactly where you are and I know the heart break that you are going through!  My DS and I were so close that I never imagined that he would turn his back on me so completely and so coldly.  I do not know what went through his mind but for years he ignored me on every occasion......Christmas, my birthday, my anniversary and even Mother's Day.  Meanwhile because I was facebook friends with my DIL I would see her write all about how much she loved and honored her mother on every occasion (especially Mother's Day) and it would tear my poor heart right out of my chest and throw me into crying fits that matched the ones I experienced in adolescence.  I thought that my life had been wasted raising such a thoughtless child and I too could not understand how he could do it.  I never knew that I could be hurt so badly by my child.  I tried every way I could think of to "fix" it and the harder I tried the worse it got.

I came close to ruining my marriage (it will be 40 years this year!) before I finally gave up.  Yes, I said I gave up!  I did not notify my DS of my feelings because he had made it perfectly clear to me that he did not care to hear from me.  I just quit calling, quit texting, quit trying to "fix" anything.  I decided that my DH deserved better than I was giving him and I started to focus my efforts on improving the life I had with my DH.  My efforts were rewarded tenfold! 

My DS eventually realized that if he wanted a relationship with my DH and I he had to put at least a modicum of effort into it.  Things have improved greatly around here but it all started when I decided that I deserve better and so did my DH.  We worked hard all those years and raised a young man who was able to stand on his own.  It was (and is) time for my DH and I to enjoy ourselves and I am not going to let the child we raised interfere with our enjoyment of our golden years! 

Good luck (and hugs!)

Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline jdtm

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Re: Conflicted
« Reply #16 on: March 07, 2018, 06:42:05 PM »
Quote
I know it would cause a great deal of conflict between them as a couple but I just can't grasp the concept that my DS would not fight for people he supposedly cares about. 

This also happened to me.  But I know why our son would not confront our former DIL (eventually she left our son and abandoned her children).  If she did not get her way, she would rage and rage, for days/weeks, causing extreme turmoil.  Our son, at times, would remove the children from the home for days.  He would not leave her; I feel she was mentally ill.  Unfortunately, I witnessed two episodes - beyond anything I could have imagined.  I hope your situation is less severe.

Offline Frustrated Oma

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Re: Conflicted
« Reply #17 on: March 16, 2018, 08:52:35 PM »
Good Evening Ladies,
It took me a while but I have finally been able to pull myself out of the "abyss".  Listening to your advice the hubby and I are planning a trip to Florida for some time away from all of this.  Thanks for all your support.  I will keep you all posted on progress.

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Conflicted
« Reply #18 on: March 17, 2018, 12:41:59 PM »
Congrats Frustrated!!  I hope you and your DH have a wonderful time both planning your trip and taking it!!  You deserve every bit of it. 

Hugs!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline Bamboo2

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Re: Conflicted
« Reply #19 on: March 17, 2018, 09:43:18 PM »
Such great news, Oma!  I hope you have a wonderful time.  I always felt that time away was a great gift to give to myself and my husband.  Keep in touch.  Hugs  ;D

Offline SunnyD

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Re: Conflicted
« Reply #20 on: March 19, 2018, 02:59:19 PM »
Dear Frustrated Oma,
Thank you for your reply to my post and I wanted to extend my heartfelt support to yours as well.  I really feel for your situation and how difficult this wrap our heads around what has happened.  My DS was from a loving and supportive family as well, so this is all such a terrible shock! 
Please enjoy your vaca time!
HUGS!

Offline Frustrated Oma

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Re: Conflicted
« Reply #21 on: March 19, 2018, 03:33:08 PM »
SunnyD, thank you....  Shock is a great word for the way we feel.  I am sure this is not what you pictured life with your AC would be like.  I for sure thought becoming a grandparent would bring me a world of joy. Thus far it's been nothing but sadness. Shock Iis definitely my feeling beside others.  I am here if you need me,  as our pain is as fresh as yours..  I pray things change for the better for all of us.

Offline Frustrated Oma

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Re: Conflicted
« Reply #22 on: May 03, 2018, 06:33:13 PM »
So you think you are going along just fine and making progress and it all comes crashing down again.  About two weeks ago I unfriended my DIL's  sisters and mother from Facebook because it was effecting me every time I saw posts with them and my GS.  I figured it wouldn't matter anyway since we don't even use Facebook to socialize with each other.  Well my DS called me today to say that my DIL is completely insulted  (mind you my DS and DIL are not even on facebook)  that I would do this and that this is a refection on her.  She feels I have disrespected her.  My son tells me he could care less, he just wants peace.  I am just frustrated because everytime I do anything to protect my own feelings, I am supposedly disrespecting her.  I am trying to cut my self away from the things that trigger a decent in to the"abyss"  and I continously get called out and accused of disrespect.  She doesn't want us in her life but it is disrespectful if we take ourselves out of it as well.  How do you win in this situation?

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: Conflicted
« Reply #23 on: May 04, 2018, 08:29:27 PM »
So goes the roller coaster of emotions that I've been through, too.  My situation isn't quite the same, but I did tell my daughter that we just couldn't hear any more about her BF or his family anymore.  It was too upsetting and I just didn't want to have that in my life.  I finally figured out (with the support I got here on WWU) that I deserved a peaceful life.  That is what you are giving yourself by un-friending DIL's relatives.  Likely DIL would find something else to be upset about, but that's not your problem.  You're taking care of you.  Your son wanting peace is his to figure out, not yours.  He married her.  You didn't.  I didn't pick my daughter's BF either, so I didn't have to put up with him or his family.  No explanation, justification or apology  necessary.  And to the question, "How do you win in this situation?" I think you "win" when you decide that you just don't care what she thinks, says or does because you realize that taking care of yourself is the only thing you have control of.

(((Hugs)))
« Last Edit: May 04, 2018, 08:48:37 PM by Bamboo2 »

Offline Frustrated Oma

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Re: Conflicted
« Reply #24 on: May 05, 2018, 11:26:48 AM »
Thanks Bamboo2, you are so right, roller coaster of emotions but something good has come out of this.  I called my DS, needless to say when he was at work and not with her.  I was grasping at anything that could make things easier between us and he finally opened up about everything.  I had asked him to tell me what to do to fix this, I told him that our relationship should not be this hard.  He told me that he appreciates the space we have given him and for respecting his wishes but it is not my problem to fix, it is their problem to fix.  (Exactly what you said Bamboo2)  He told me that they are having alot of problems right now and that my DIL is the cause of it.  She listens to what her family, especially her mother says  and will not listen to anyone else not even him.  He said her family is one of no loving emotion and that ours is and she is very threatened by this.  I have to say that I was very proud of him during this phone call and knew there and then that my DS was now a man.  He said it is his responsibility to fix his marriage but he also knows he has a family who loves and supports him and we just need to let him work on it.   He asked that we continue to do what we are doing and to know he is not upset with us.  I hung up and balled like a baby.  The relief I felt was unimaginable as he really is still the boy that I raised.  This place has been my sole source of support.  Even though I have a loving husband, he is still a guy and they see so many things differently.  Every time I have felt the waves starting to rumble, I would come back here and reread the responses and I get my strength back to move one.  I know I will still need to do this I truly believe my DIL isn't done with me yet :)  Thank you everyone here for being my continued crutch and holding me up.  Love you all.

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: Conflicted
« Reply #25 on: May 05, 2018, 01:49:05 PM »
So wonderful to hear about the breakthrough with your son.  Yay!! It was great that he took ownership of their problems and saw through her blame game.   Thanks for sharing  😊

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Conflicted
« Reply #26 on: May 07, 2018, 05:26:14 AM »
Wow Frustrated, your post brought tears to my eyes!  I am so happy for you!  Yipee!!  Thanks for sharing!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline Frustrated Oma

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Re: Conflicted
« Reply #27 on: May 20, 2018, 02:34:07 PM »
So now I find that my original topic of discussion is even more true."Conflicted"  What I thought was a break through with my DS, we have had many phone conversations and he has opened up to me about issues with his wife.  He even showed up for a family dinner on Mother's day without her and sent me the nicest text message after the dinner telling me how nice it was to spend time with his family without being on edge wondering what might upset her.  I was so relieved that we were finally seeing the old son we knew.  Now I  have sent some text messages and have received no response.  I haven't texted him again in the last few days.  So now I keep reliving a conversation we had when things weren't so good between us when he stated,  "do you realize how easy it is to lie to you".  I just keep concocting this this in my head like this was there next way of getting his wife through Mother's day without having to show up.  I am probably very wrong and my head is just creating things but I guess after all that had been said during our time of fighting, I am having a hard time trusting.  Is that wrong?  As I said, Conflicted!

Offline Frustrated Oma

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Re: Conflicted
« Reply #28 on: June 18, 2018, 07:38:56 PM »
The hurt continues.....  Memorial Day weekend I was rushed to the hospital with severe adominal pain.  My DH and DD rushed to my side.  My son who lives exactly 8 minutes from the hospital was called and he said to keep him posted as the DIL had a yoga class within the hour and he did not want to take the baby to the hospital.  I find out that I have a football size mass in my pelvis and need to go in for a full hysterectomy and biopsy.  Well surgery was scheduled for one week later.  My DD immediately told work she would not be in the day of and the day after surgery.  My DH sternly told our DS, that he needed to be there before I went into surgery and when I came out as we did not know what the outcome would be.  Luckily for me it was a benign tumor.  My DH and DD stated that my DIL was texting him the whole time asking him when he expected to arrive home.  I just don't understand some of the cold hearted people that are in this generation.  Instead of supporting him during this worrisome time, she just needed to know when he would be home to take over baby duties.  5 days post op in the hospital, my DS never came to visit me.  He did call to check in on his way home from work before being with her for the night.  I just don't get the lack of compassion.  Thank you for letting me vent....

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Conflicted
« Reply #29 on: June 19, 2018, 02:30:59 AM »
Hi Frustrated.  I am so sorry that you are faced with such an untenable situation.  I felt about the same way about my DS.  I went to the hospital with chest pains and was admitted from the ER and my DS could not even come by to give my DH a ride home.  Both my DH and I were livid and we certainly let my DS know.  Things did not change for us until I finally realized that I did not even enjoy my DS's presence because he felt like visiting us was an imposition and my DIL was texting every 5 minutes about when he was coming home.  She even went so far as to set a frying pan on fire on the stove and then call him to come rushing home.  It was ridiculous!  Anyway like I said one day I stopped and asked myself why I was struggling so hard to be around someone who made me so uncomfortable and mad.  I realized that my life was better (yes, better!) and happier if I did not include him or expect him to participate. 

The next thing I figured out was that some holidays (Mother's Day, Christmas and such) were going to be difficult to manage without noticing my DS's absence so I started planning things.  There was one Thanksgiving when my DH and I decided not to have the big feast on Thursday because the weather was so wonderful.  We went canoeing on Thursday and I cooked on Friday when it was raining.  It was really liberating to realize that I could just shift the celebration around, Christmas did not have to be on December 25th.  So I started making plans for important days and letting my DS know what they were.  I stopped expecting him to show up (I knew he did not want to be there anyway) but I would tell him he could come if he wanted.

It was the most amazing thing.  Once I stopped pulling on him he stopped pulling away.  It was like I had been part of the problem by constantly demanding he change things.  I only had control over myself so the only way I could change the situation was for me to change the way I looked at things.  I started reciting my three mantras:

1) No news is good news
2) For things to change first I must change
3) What you focus on expands

I started practicing changing my focus.  When I thought about my situation with my DS I would tell myself number 1 and then work on changing my focus from that horrible situation to something that I enjoyed (like planning a camping trip).  My relationship with my DH was the first to improve.  He was so tired of trying to fix the impossible situation with my DS and so tired of watching me hurt without any way of making it better.  I never realized how unfair I was being to my DH until after it was over.

After a few months of loving detachment my DS realized what he was missing and has slowly moved into a better relationship with my DH and myself.  We are now seeing my DS and grands every Saturday (for the summer) and everyone enjoys it.  My DIL gets the day off from being a Mom, my DS gets help watching the children and I get the hugs and squeals that make my heart smile and brighten my life. 

I know that I was fortunate with my eventual outcome but honestly when I pulled away it was out of desperation.  Things had to change, one way or the other.  I could not go on in the same way.  Period.  Quite frankly if it had turned out that I was estranged from my DS I think I would have been OK.  I just could not put up with being treated that way any longer and with the help from the wonderful women here I found my way of stopping the abuse.  After all no one can hurt my feelings  if I don't let them, right?

Anyway Frustrated, I feel for you and I hope you find a way to recover your former self from this horrible situation!  Hugs!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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