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Cheap, adult son...

Started by Petra, January 11, 2018, 07:28:38 am

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Hello.  This is my first post and hoping to get advice....

My son is 41yo and on medicaid.  He has had a lot of mental health issues over the years.  We do not live close to one another.  (he lives closer to the ex).  He is also a habitual liar.  (part of the mental health issue). 

We do try and stay in contact, via text and occasionally phone calls. 

On several occasions, at Christmas, he has sent "gifts" that I guess I should be grateful for.  He sent gift again this year, but I have just had enough.  The gift was a music cd that you could purchase on ebay for maybe $1.25, however, this cd was not even a NEW one, sealed in cellophane.  It was obviously a used cd and he tried squeezing it into an envelope with a card.  Upon arrival, of course, the cd was totally shattered.   I am just fed up and hurt ....he more than likely purchased this at a garage sale .  He does not work, but he is NOT destitute in the least.  His father routinely gives him $$.  (he does not work)

I have not responded to him recently as I am hurt and fed up. 

I no I need to say something to him, but am at a loss as to what to say.  He is careless and thoughtless and I am just at the end of my rope....

Any suggestions would be appreciated....


Welcome P. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

How sad that you have had such a difficult relationship with your son. It must be very hard on everyone concerned. Have you gotten support for yourself? If not, a counselor might help you with disappointment, sadness and anger. I am sure if it were me, I would be experiencing all of those feelings.

I would suggest that you do nothing...and expect nothing. And further, that you focus on your own interests and expand into the areas that bring you joy. You matter and deserve joy and peace.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome, Petra.  Gifts and AC can be a challenge, as I've found with my 20 something ACs.  DD would impulsively give me things I would never use/wear/enjoy.  It felt like something she just did to check off a list, but it would leave me feeling very disappointed.  DS loves me, but if I didn't explicitly let him know what I would like (small gift card, inexpensive tech gadget, a nice and well-chosen card), he might not give/do anything for me.  He is pretty self-focused and low on the empathy scale.  The thing I did was ask myself what I'd like and then ask for it.  Sometimes it was just time together playing a game. 

I don't know if it would work for you in your situation, but maybe you could explicitly ask your son for what you'd like.

The challenge I have faced is to not have expectations of them - that is what has led to my anger or disappointment.  I can hope for time together or a special gesture or token of affection, but I set myself up for disappointment when I expect that.  I have learned to focus on ways to get joy wherever I can find it - even buying my own gifts at times  :)  Or focusing on people and activities that do bring me joy.

As for the counseling idea that Luise mentioned, I am now seeing a counselor about my son and it has been helpful in many ways, even in recognizing small steps of consideration or thoughtfulness toward me and DH that I might have missed in the past when I dwelled on disappointing behaviors. 


Thank you for the replies. 

We do not live near one another.  About 1500 miles apart.

I have had counseling in the past. 

My issue at the moment is what to say to him as he has been texting me and I have not responded to him in about a month....just too hurt but I no I should let him no what is going on....


As you are aware, P., this isn't a counseling Website. There are no professionals here. Nor are we licensed. We share what we have been through and what has worked for us. Sometimes we come up with a suggestion but that's the best we can do. We can't answer your questions because we simply don't know.

The right counselor may be hard to find but the right one might have a lot to offer as you work your way through these issues and how they are affecting your life and peace of mind.

At this time, this thread is being closed. We all hope touching base with us has been helpful.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama