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Difficult Adult Daughter

Started by gezeebezee, January 12, 2018, 09:55:31 am

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My adult daughter (29 years) was discharged from the hospital at the end of October after being there for close to 100 days.  She had a staph infection that attached itself to her heart and attacked her lungs.  She had been sharing a duplex with another woman and became very sick and delirious.  I took her to the emergency room where a doctor told me that she might not make it.  She did after having open heart surgery to replace a valve, right leg and left foot amputation, and had her pleural cavity scraped during a VATS procedure.  It is a miracle she survived.  She was an on again off again heroin addict, and it is assumed this infection was caused from the use of a dirty needle.
While she was in the hospital she was so appreciative of me and her father.  Always apologizing for what she had put us through and expressing her love.  I stayed with her the entire hospital stay.  Now that she is back home she has turned on me in the worst way.  She refuses to take care of herself.  When I suggest something (like brush your teeth or shower) she screams at me to leave her alone.  She tells me I am controlling and that I have a mental problem.  Before Christmas I had given her some money to buy gifts.  She went shopping with a girlfriend and bought gifts for her dad, her girlfriend, and a young man that has been coming around but nothing for mom.  Christmas Eve when she opened her gifts she left the room and went into the bathroom and cried her eyes out because I wouldn't give her a phone back that had dope dealers numbers and all kinds of distasteful content on it (I had the service to the phone turned off). When she came back into the living room I made a comment about the crying over the phone.  She went into a tirade and ended up spitting on me.
She continues to be hateful and demeaning towards me.  I went to counselling and the dr. didn't really give me any suggestions on how to deal with her.
She is currently working on having a prosthetic fitted but most of the time uses a wheel chair.  She is always late for appointments even though I try to get her up in plenty of time. If I try to hurry her along she just screams at me and throws something at me.  I make her appointments late in the day because she sleeps a lot.     
She tells her friends how horrible I am (not that I care about what her friends think).  She uses and manipulates her so called friends so that she can get around and "get away from mother".  I have done nothing but help her any way I can including providing health insurance for her. 
It just makes me sad. 


January 12, 2018, 10:30:16 am #1 Last Edit: January 14, 2018, 07:09:30 pm by luise.volta
Dear G, I wondered, as I read your post, if you have been to a 12 step group. I know they support those who support others but I don't have any specifics to offer you. I also wondered if another counselor could help you cope. The first two counselors I saw weren't a fit but the third counselor was a huge help.

This isn't a counseling Website. We share what we have been through and how we eventually found ourselves after losing touch with who we were under the pressure of family issues. With no similar experience behind me to back it up, my sense of your situation it too difficult to continue coexisting and that your daughter needs other housing. It may sound like tough love...but you matter. You've done your best. That's all any of us can do.

Beyond that, I see one-on-one help as what is needed, not a Website without the specific focus you need and deserve. What we can do is hold you in our hearts. You can count on that.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome, gezeebezee!  As a new member of WWU, we ask that you look over the posts in the "Open Me First" section and pay close attention to the forum agreement to be sure that we are a good fit for you.  We are a monitored website.

Let me first say that you have been through a lot!  I'm sorry for situation you are in now with your daughter.  I don't have a situation like yours, but others on this forum have had issues with AC who have addiction or mental health issues.  You can find some of these threads in the archives under Adult Sons and Daughters.  My heart goes out to you.

This may not be it, but I wonder if your daughter is looking to point blame for all that has transpired and left her with a disability.  She is the one at the cause of these problems, but maybe she is blaming you so she doesn't have to take responsibility herself.  That is not healthy for either you or her. I wonder whether your daughter is continuing to use chemicals - sounds like she wants to, at least.  That is concerning.  Maybe she is dealing with depression or other mental health issues - also concerning.  In my way of thinking, those are her issues, though, not yours.  You have been kind to offer her a place to recover, yet she is not even acting like a considerate guest or roommate.  In fact, she is causing you pain.  I'd consider this current living situation unhealthy.  In your shoes, I'd give her a time frame to find another housing option. You've done your best. You deserve happiness and a peaceful life.  I wouldn't want her to think that spitting on you, literally or figuratively, is okay.

As for the counseling, perhaps you could see another counselor who can offer you what you are looking for.  In my experience, having seen several counselors for different reasons, I've found it is best to be up front about what I'm looking to achieve in counseling.  Some are better than others for different issues and they all have their specialties.


Oh gezeebezee, although your situation is more dire that many here the path out of it is the same.  We raise our children the very best we can and while we are raising them we fix their mistakes and put band aides on their booboos.  For years we are the one and only dispensers of help for them and when they make mistakes we are able to "fix" things.  Then comes the time when they will no longer let us fix things.  They take the reins of their lives firmly into their inexperienced hands and sometimes look (as your daughter does) like they are driving their lives off a cliff. 

I tried so hard to stop my DS from marrying his wife.  I wanted him to wait, slow down, don't you see that this is a mistake????  Nothing worked and now he is married with two kids and his wife is bipolar and he is very unhappy (and so am I) about his decisions.  The only thing I could do is stand by, in agony, while he took his vows and everyone congratulated me.  It was awful!  Then came the baby showers where I was supposed to be happy while my DS dug his hole ever deeper.  For years I was miserable and I could think of nothing else.  The situation took over my entire life and it was interfering with my other relationships.  Nobody wanted to be around me because all I ever did was complain about my situation.......because I did not see anything else.  Then one day I found this phrase:

What you focus on expands!

I suddenly realized that I was the one allowing my DS's life to ruin my life.  He was making his own choices and I could not change them, I could only stand by and watch, but he had to make them.  He has his own lessons to learn from this and he will learn them better if I stand back and let the chips fall where they may.  I started focusing my thoughts on my own happiness instead of my DS's situation and my life improved dramatically!

Your situation is incredibly sad because you thought that you had reached that point where she saw all you have done for her and wanted your help.  Now that you have fixed her up she wants those reins back in her own hands and she is going to get them one way or the other.  The people at Alanon (did I spell that right?) have much experience dealing with the situation that you are in.  Some of them have even sadder stories than yours, believe it or not.  They are either traveling your road or helping others travel the road they have already been down.  I strongly suggest that you find a chapter near you and attend a meeting or two. 

Please know that we are firmly on your side and we feel your pain.  We are here for support if you need it.  I am sorry that life has been so difficult but I still think that it will get better.  Mine has and I am a much stronger person because of it.  No one will ever be able to hurt me like that again, I won't let them!!!

Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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