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DIL rude and ungrateful about Christmas gift.

Started by rosie, January 01, 2018, 07:59:36 am

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GM Wise Women,
I'm glad I found this group.  It is interesting and enlightening reading the many posts.  I am struggling this week with a text I got from my DIL.  I am single and over 60.  I have a modest income and my Christmas giving is reflective of my income.  This year I gave my DIL a "canned food Safe".  It looks like a regular can of soup, but is really a cool hiding place for money, jewels....anything you would want to stash.  She sent a group text to my son -- her husband, and to me saying the following...
"it hurts my feelings that you thought this would be nice to send me for Christmas...please don't waste your money sending me things to hurt my feelings.  If you feel this way towards me please don't bother...I have nothing else to say to you so please don't call me".
WOW -- I was shocked...but probably shouldn't have been, as our relationship has been strained for years.  I did reply and told her that I meant no mal-intent, and that I actually thought this was a cool and clever gift...and that I was sorry.
I got no reply.    I have been soooo sad and hurt......then angry......and hurt and sad some more.  My son never replied to the text at all.  I texted him separately and asked  him to phone me when he is alone.....he texted and said he would not get in the middle of this.
I'm not sure what to do but to be still and quiet.   And now....her birthday is next week.........
Any thoughts or advise? 


Your DIL sounds very similar to our former DIL.  Everything I did, said, even thought, was wrong.  I could not win.  So, since you asked for advice - I think you are doing the wise thing - "be still and quiet".  As for her birthday, send a nice card (and if you feel like sending a gift, include a gift card to her favourite coffee shop).  And, I would try to forget ... after all, you have done all that you could.  All the best in the new year ....


My thought is this, and it's an old saying, sometimes the only way to win is not to play the game. So if your dil doesn't want you to text and to leave her alone, that's exactly what I would do. I'm sure her real motivation is that she is looking for a reason as an excuse to cut ties. And sounds to me like she was really having to dig for that one to become so upset about your gift. Most of us, even if we didn't care for a gift, would have the decency to keep quiet about it. My thought is also, that men these days have become too afraid stand up to their wives about anything. They try to stay out of it so as to "keep the peace", when they don't have any peace to begin with. I blame them for that, even my own sons who have failed to act when they should have. I personally have stopped trying to please people like this some time ago. Gone are the days when I work my tail off trying to seek anyone out that doesn't appreciate me. I will do me and they can do them has become my way of looking at it. And let me tell you, that attitude has made all the difference for me. I wish the best.


Hi Rosie,
Welcome to WWU!  I'm glad you found us, too.  As with all new members, we ask that you go to our "Open Me First" page and read the permanent posts there that explain our site better.  Please pay particular attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure that we are a proper fit for your needs.  We are a monitored website.

I don't have much to add to the great words by raindrops and jdtm.  The comforting thing about this website is that there are members who have walked a similar path to ours and have unique perspectives gained from that experience.  I'm sorry for what you are going through.  I've found that things do get better for me when I take care of myself and let go of what I can't control.  Simple but not easy, as Luise likes to say. Hugs!


Thank you, each one, for your tender and thoughtful comments.  It is comforting to know that I am not alone, and that you all have walked this path before me....and found ways to keep going with hearts full and eyes wide open.
I am praying....feeling my emotions.....being still....and I have decided to buy her a nice birthday card and coffee gift card.....and I will continue to be still.
My son frustrates me....but I am sure he is fighting battles I know nothing about.  I also know, that I am not in charge of his heart.
Thank you again, so much for your tender words.


sorry you are experiencing this.  hard to be loving when it isn't reciprocated.  my dil doesn't respond to gifts sent to her.  i was always sending cards and money for occasions.  i decided to leave out the money and just send a card.  don't know if it bothers her to not get money, she still doesn't acknowledge anything!  my mom always told us to "be the better person".  my son loves her, i love her. so i just send a thoughtful card.  i believe you should do what makes it good for you.  your son knows what you do and sees what she does.  good luck