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Another Thanksgiving that didn't fail to disappoint

Started by raindrops_on_my_soul, November 24, 2017, 10:34:38 am

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Another Thanksgiving gone and I couldn't be happier about it. I already pretty much knew how it would go and I was right, only it was worse. My son and his girlfriend and her two kids showed up empty handed as usual. I did supper because her family comes first, which I already know. They came an hour late, even though I had clarified what time the food would be served. Not apologetic for it at all, in their minds no big deal. So I had tried keeping the food warm for awhile and gave up and put the food away, so it was semi cold when they arrived. This of course delayed me getting the dishes done, which I also did with no offer of help from them. The kids acted horribly. The nine year old girl complained about needing to leave to get back to her grandparents house because she was spending the night there and as she said, didn't want to keep her grandpa waiting. She had spent the entire week over there and was already complaining within an hour of being at our house. At one point she was curled up on the floor in the fetal position whining that we didn't have enough for her to do here. So I asked her what she would do when she got to her grandparents house. She proceeded to tell me she was going to use her tablet. Go figure! Kids don't enjoy anything these days unless it involves a screen in their face. The three year old boy kicked our bedroom doors that I had closed in an attempt to get in. He threw fits every time he didn't get his way, even hitting me on the legs at one point and yelling no at me. He walked all over our coffee table and yanked at the mini blinds in our windows so hard they nearly fell to the floor. All with no correction from either their mom or my son. They saw it as funny. And I could tell, they didn't really want to be here. I think it was a sort of "pity" visit, as my husband would call it. He is right. And really, we don't need pity visits. We have been good to them all, and are just disgusted with them. Her family comes first of course, they always do. But they like keeping me on the hook in case they need something. That is when they remember me. I swear if I never hosted another holiday as long as I live I would be overjoyed about it. What I already knew was only spotlighted by it.


     Thinking of you R. Wondering, since it was what sounded like a repeat performance, if you feel it served anyone? If not, what would you change that is about your life, not theirs?
     Where my experiences, which were similar, eventually took me was to change what didn't work for me while getting that what my eldest son, his wife and their children did was about them to change or not. They chose to continue but/and not in my home. I choose to no longer participate in the lesson they were teaching; that abuse was acceptable.      Did I lose something? Yes, my garden variety expectations. Did I gain something? Yes, my self respect. Hugs...
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Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Well I had a similar but different experience.  My DS/DIL and the two grands (2&4) showed up early as planned but they did not offer to do anything.  I finally got to the point where I was requesting things like can you set the table and such and all of my requests were quickly and graciously answered so that part was OK.  Once dinner was done DIL collected the plates for me and left me to do the dishes.  Once the dishes were done I realized that DS and DIL were both asleep on the couches in the den. The 2 year old was down for a nap but the 4 year old was watching tv so guess who got to look after the 4 year old?  You got it!!

So I got to spend the rest of the afternoon watching her and then came the bath for both of the girls, the third total melt down for the 4 year old and off they went home.  All in all it was a totally unsatisfying Thanksgiving day and so now I am considering not inviting them for Christmas.  I have not decided yet because I am waiting for the distaste to fade first.  I put a lot of effort into making the day great for everyone else and I saw zero return on that effort. 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


I had to come to the point of no return before I was able to face something similar, S. I anguished over it way too long before I decided to pick up my dignity and move on. 'I matter'. That was the silent stand I took. My husband was in my corner...(if not in the kitchen)...and brainstormed with me. We didn't have the money to go on a cruise, so we started taking mini-trips over Thanksgiving, no two alike. We studied destinations, gathered data on different Bed and Breakfasts and considered routes including points of interest. We took along good books, slept in, walked on a beach when there was one, and ate like Royalty on Thanksgiving Day. We came home refreshed. It reminded us that we were a couple before we were parents. It was wonderful! We simply told the clan we were spending our holiday giving thanks that we could spoil each other. I'm a widow and those are some of my loveliest memories. Hugs...

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Yes, great solution Luise! You can't be a doormat if you refuse to lie down.

I know I can't untrain my family in one or two holiday cycles after all these years of allowing their rudeness, but I'm working on it.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


I agree with you Luise.Parents Do matter.If the family appreciate you then spoil yourselves.

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