November 30, 2023, 09:31:34 AM


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

my sister is hateful with my mother

Started by maryann, November 20, 2017, 10:04:48 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


I was looking on sites on the internet and came across this site. I'm at a loss and don't know what to do to help.     

To start my mother and I have a good relationship and I have a good relationship with my sister but my sister is very hateful with my mother. My sister has always lived in my mother and fathers home, she has raised her family there. Her kids have both left now as they are grown so its now her and her husband there. She rarely has a good word to say to our mother and its like she's on pins and needles in her own home. My mom is a very good person and would do anything for my sister.  I can't figure out for the life of me why she is like this. My mom will leave at times and comes to my house to let it all out. She don't know what to do. I'm not sure what I can do but only comfort her when she needs me. I don't know how to handle this .           


Welcome M and we are glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our "Open Me First" page and read the permanent posts there that explain our site better.  Please pay particular attention to our forum agreement to be sure that we are a proper fit for your needs.  We are a monitored website.

I have no experience with a sister who mistreats my mother but I do have experience with a DIL who mistreats my DS.  It upsets me horribly when I hear about it and I would so love to straighten things out (tell my DIL a thing or two) but I know that I cannot fix it.  My DS is an adult who is responsible for his life and it is totally up to him to either continue to put up with her behavior or put his foot down about it.  It is very hard to bite my tongue when she complains about him.  It is also difficult to offer a listening ear without actively taking sides.  Don't get me wrong, my DS knows that I am on his side but it is so difficult to hear him complain about her and not chime in and put her down more.  I have to listen quietly and not offer any suggestions what so ever.  It is a very difficult task but if they stay together I do not want my DS telling her about every derogatory remark I made (and yes, I do believe he would).  So my hat is off to you!  I think the comfort is both what she wants and what she needs.  Your Mother will make up her own mind and fortunately she will have you there to back up her decision, whatever that decision is.  Sometimes the hardest thing to do is nothing.

Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


I forgot to mention that you might want to pick a forum name that is less identifiable in case someone you know reads this forum.

More hugs!!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


Welcome, M. I don't have much to add to the great response you got from S. For me, learning to listen, care and shut up has been a lesson that's been long in coming! That's all that's needed and it's priceless. Making choices and learning from the consequences...or not, is what adults do and how they do that is their business.
Hugs 2U.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I agree with what you are saying and yes it is very difficult to bite my tongue. I love my sister.  She is just so hateful at times when she cuts my mother down into tears and then gets made because she cries. My mother is a loving mother and always has been with all her children. When my mom tries to defend herself then my sister won't talk to her and gets very cold with her. Then there's times she's is good to my mom.

Things happens


Your sister is sounds like she is verbally abusing your parents. I am not sure how old they are, but sound like they are older. It is your parents home and they should not be walking on egg shells.  Sister or no sister, I would not allow this to continue with my parent. I would call the elder abuse hotline to find out what steps need to be taken.  We did this on my BIL for both mental and financial abuse of my FIL, judges do not take kindly to this. Write down and document everything your mother / father tells you. It is not your parents fault that she is not happy with her life. Elder services also might be able to get your sister the help she needs.  No elderly person should have to live with any abuse in their golden ages, they are our National Treasures.


I am certainly going to talk with my mother but not sure yet how I'm going to deal with my sister on my part. She is my mother to and I'm not going to let this continue. My mom is the kind of person that wants to keep peace but at the same time is getting bullied by her adult daughter. She has never hit my mom and I know she wouldn't do that but the mental abuse is sometimes just as bad. She doesn't do this to my father like she does mom he wouldn't stand for it. I'm going to start with my mom first.  I have thought about going to my dad alone. I just don't know how to approach all this because the times I have talked to my mom about me going to talk to my sister myself about her behavior my mom always tells me to please not say anything. I just wish my mom would stand up for herself.


Speaking with your father may give you some insight into the situation, or not.  It may be that your father has given up and just stays out of what seems like an unresolvable problem between your mother and sister.  I witnessed a similar dynamic with two sisters in my family that was never resolved.  It was heartbreaking, but there was nothing I could do to help the situation.  They were stuck:  one was a bully and the other could not stand up for herself.  This went on all their lives.  I believe their mother could have stopped that destructive interaction early on but never did.  I'm sorry I don't have any great suggestions to solve this problem.