March 29, 2020, 07:26:56 am


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adult daughter giving up on me

Started by momof4, October 23, 2017, 10:05:23 am

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I am new to this site. I am a widow of 4 years, no siblings, no other family, just my 4 kids and families.  3 boys, one daughter. I've had problems with them all...mostly since their Dad unexpectedly died. Right now my daughter. I am not a confrontational person. Don't like drama. Problem is my daughter invites me to events. Some I birthdays and Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter..the major ones. she invited me to her house for Halloween, which now is not much of a holiday and it was her Dad's birthday. So planned on staying home and when I told her I was not coming, she got mad. It is an hours drive to where she is, but she plans most everything at night and I do not like doing those back, curvy, dark, isolated roads all by myself at night. MY eyes are not so good.. My grandson, her oldest, has a concert coming up soon and he is in college. so to go, I would drive 1 hour to her place, then 45 minutes over to the college (riding with her and the family) then repeat on way home. Not getting home till 11. Plus all this I have a 14 year old dog, who can not be left alone, no one to watch her. I am going crazy trying to please everyone and when I tell my daughter I can not make something, she posts a nasty meme on facebook and tells me she has given up and not inviting me anymore as I always say no or make up excuses. I've attended a lot, but can't do them all. I feel bad, but circumstances are what they are. How can I handle this without a giant argument and she can be VERY nasty. But, I'm afraid if I tell her off, then she will cut me out entirely and I have no one else to rely on in an emergency. The boys are either too far away, won't help or working all the time  I was going to get counseling. but only on SS and barely making ends meet. Help please.


Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website. (This is our, legal 'Canned Greeting' and nothing personal.)

My heart goes out to you because I know how it feels to have limited vision at night, fatigue and an aging dog. For me, I think my worst enemy has been the fact that I look and act pretty much like I used to, so what evidence there is that my limitations are increasing is not easily faced by those that don't want to see them. Thus, I was seen as a wimp when I was just being as honest as possible.

I don't know what will work for you, of course. Certainly the present situation appears loaded. The hardest thing for me to get was that I wasn't heard. They didn't want to hear it. And the fact that nothing I said or did made any difference was really painful. It was about my eldest son and daughter-in-law...their perspectives, not mine, that were the issue. I finally got that I couldn't change any of that and my responsibility was to take care of myself. I asked to continue to be invited to all occasions and to have my responses respected. That didn't happen but it was the best I could do. Now, my focus is on my friends and the volunteer work I can do from home. My life matters and so do I. So do you! Sending hugs...

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome, Momof4!  I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds like your daughter is trying to blame you for things that are out of your control.  Of course you have a right to go to whatever events you want, just as she does. I've found that the more I've tried to justify, argue, defend or explain myself (JADE), the more deeply I was investing in someone else's agenda.  Luise likes to say, "Whatever anyone thinks of me is none of my business," and I think that helps to put the onus of the problem back where it belongs. 

As for the worry you have about your daughter not being there for you in case of emergency, something came to mind regarding a friend and former neighbor of mine.  When her husband was dealing with Lewy Body dementia (symptoms of Parkinsons and dementia), they moved into a senior condo, and she has found a very supportive group of women residents who look after each other and stay connected.   She has made lots of friends there and it has been mutually beneficial.  It's probably not the same as having an adult child close by, but it is a comfort to her nevertheless. 

Wishing you well!