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At my wits end

Started by Mummybear, September 25, 2017, 01:23:00 pm

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Hi everyone, I have taken great comfort from reading posts on here for the past few months. I have felt less alone but sad at how many ladies are suffering. I don't know where to start as my head is all over the place and I am very anxious. I don't want to go over all the horrible things that have happened over the past 8 years with my dil and I am not perfect either. I have tried to keep the peace and taken a lot of verbal abuse but I can't do it anymore. My ds has changed so much and I worry for him and my grandkids. My dil has no respect for me and tells so many lies that I feel like there is no way forward. I wonder if I should cut all contact with them for my own sanity. I feel my dh and I should be enjoying life and not be constantly worrying about what will happen next. Every week there's a drama and every time I speak to my ds my stomach is in knots. I feel ill and tired. What do I do ?? I need peace. I hope this all makes sense . Thanks to the kind ladies who put encouraging comments for me when I commented on another post. Love to all x


I have been through what you are living and it is not easy.  Years have passed, a divorce (DIL left our son and abandoned her children), a remarriage, and the grandchildren are now grown.  And, we are again on civil terms with our son.

In our case, I am glad that we did not cut contact with our son.  Due to the departure of our DIL, our son eventually needed us and so did our grandchildren.  I, too, would feel nauseous whenever I needed to speak to our son (and there is still some of that residual feeling).  What worked best for us was to back way off and let my husband do most of the communications - holidays were horrible (and to this day, I still dread all holiday functions even though things are O.K.).  I had to learn to stop "trying to fix things" and trust that our son  would protect the children.  In fact, if I had taken these steps earlier, I feel the marriage would have ended earlier (which was a joke, at best), and he did eventually choose his children over her.  I so wish that I had not been "so readily available" - so eager to help.  Life would have been better for all of us - especially my husband and me.

I am so sorry ....


Hello, Mummybear.  Welcome back!  So sorry to hear about your situation.  I think jdtm offered a useful perspective.  I know there are other women who have been up against this issue and have different experiences.  One thing you mentioned struck me as crucial: your health.  Being aware of and honoring your own health is vitally important.  I think you will know where that limit is.  When my daughter was treating me disrespectfully, I stepped way back.  It was a way to create some physical and emotional space, and really changed the dynamic for the better - after some time, of course.  The key for me was not accepting blame for things that were not my doing. 

As for the regrets you have, we all have them. I cringe when I think of all the things I gave in on just to see my daughter when she was all wrapped up in her unhealthy relationship with a bad-news BF. I'm sure I seemed terribly needy. It's good to remember that you were doing the best you could and forgive yourself. I wish you well!


Hi jdtm and B2, Thanks so much for your replies. I really appreciate it. You have both put things that are really helpful to me. Jdtm your comment about being readily available and eager to help really struck a chord with me. I think I will step right back and see if that helps. I don't really want to stop all contact. I love my ds and grandkids. B2 what you said about my health is so true and true for us all when we are having these terrible times. I had a breakdown some years ago and I don't want to go back there . I have other children that are so good to me and are sad that their fun loving brother has changed so much. I'm a lot luckier than some I know that. When I put the post everything was kicking off again and it felt like the last straw. Tonight things seem calmer so I will just have to take one day at a time and hope for the best. Thanks so much and I'm sorry you have both had such bad times . Best wishes xxxx


A family is like a bag of mixed NUTS! some are better than others, even a few bad ones that you have to just throw out! lol
Not saying to throw away your DIL of course, but you have to accept that not every person in the family will be your favorite nut, so try to step back and understand that maybe you two are just not as compatible as you would like to be and that is just the way it is.


Hi kate123 Thanks for reply. I know not everyone is compatible but I wanted so much to welcome my dil into the family. She has caused so much hurt and trouble this is now not possible. I am on this site for help and to see if I can find a way forward for me and my family without losing my ds and grandkids. I am trying to accept "that this is the way it is". Its just so sad and I wish it was different. All the best to you.


M, acceptance has been difficult for me, too. I decided I was not ready to give up on DS, but I sure got close. In my case it worked out and he has come around. I'm wary about what will happen when the baby arrives, but so far things seem ok. I seem to hold a little back, just in case. That hurt from before has not completely gone away.

Anyway, I am still working on accepting how things are and may be in the future. To do so I have had to quit thinking "It's not fair!!" No, it's not, but what can I do about it? I try to be happy for my friends who have closer relationships with their AC and all the extended family (DIL FOO, etc.) I don't want to jeopardize what I do have with DS. It could be a lot worse!

That's not to say I'm all better and never have a bad day. It gets me every now and then. However, I am wiser to my triggers and can avoid them most of the time. Holidays are still a bit tough, but so much better than they were a decade ago when I first came to this site, desperate and confused. I learned to take care of myself and find my own life again. That advice (thanks Luise & all the WW!) saved me.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Hi Pen Thanks for the reply. I'm so grateful  for the chance to see how other women have dealt with this situation. I wish I'd found you all earlier! It seems that no matter how anyone copes with it all are left with a certain amount of worry and fear of things going wrong again. I am not in touch with ds at the moment and am finding it incredible difficult but I will always be there for him. I'm trying to do things that make me happy and spending time with positive people. I'm not giving up on him I just need a break from it all. Luise and all the people on here are amazing and the reaction to my post has helped me more than anyone could know.
Congratulations about the baby Pen !! Hope everything goes well with that. Best wishes xx


Great news Mummybear!!  I remember how wonderful it felt to me when I found this site and realized that I was not alone!  I never tire of having others remind me of that feeling!  Mine is a long road full of potholes but I am getting better at avoiding the big holes!  Sounds like you have a good handle on your situation.  Keep up the good work and remember that we are here for you!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


How I love all of my 'kids'! That's you guys!  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Hi Stillearning Thanks for your comments. I don't know if I do have a good handle on it really but I'm trying lol. I feel stronger because of this website Ds has texted me, only very short but it made me feel like he still must care. Thank you for being here for me and thank you Luise you have a wonderful team. Xxx


That's what were here for, M. We all have our good days as well as the other kind since there is no such thing as perfection. When the next Newbie arrives you will be here to greet her. And, yes, we're all Newbies when something new hits us...or even something old, disguised as new. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama