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I don't know why my adult daughter hates me!

Started by suzhappy, September 03, 2017, 04:57:02 PM

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She's 38 years old, gay and so very jealous that we are raising our other daughter's kids. So she keeps sending me horrible hateful messages and texts. They hurt me so much that I just couldn't read any more, take any more of her abuse so I blocked her and deleted her and have cut her out of my life. I know that's dangerous though because there is no telling what she will do to me next. Thank goodness she lives over an hour away. I just don't understand why she hates me so much. We used to be so close. I accepted her and loved her unconditionally. Why does she feel that she needs to run my life and tell me that every single thing I do is wrong, that I'm a failure at everything. I'm so sad.


Hello, Suzhappy.  Welcome to WWU. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure it's a fit for you; we are a monitored Website.

I'm sorry for the pain you've experienced with your daughter.  It sounds like what you're doing now is out of self-protection.  When my daughter wasn't treating me respectfully, I also learned that I had to protect myself.  As far as understanding the "why" of it all, there probably is no answer that makes sense to you.  It may be best not to even chase that question, but to appreciate what was and accept what is.  Luise, who started this forum, has a quote that I think of often: You can't make sense of the senseless. 

As I was blamed by my DD for all sorts of things, I finally realized that I did the best I could as a mom, as you did.  It was up to her to move on or not, but I was not going to go backwards anymore.  You have figured out some ways to maintain peace in your life.  I'd say that shows self-respect.  I would keep those boundaries intact. Hugs!


Suzhappy, I'm sorry for the difficult time you are going through.  I agree that taking care of yourself and not allowing abuse are important.  It certainly doesn't sound like your daughter is open to working anything out.  If you feel she is unpredictable, protect yourself by not answering the door to her and call the police if she does not leave.  If your daughter is threatening you, then record those interactions (if it is legal to do so in your state/country). 

I hope as the situation quiets down that you will feel a sense of relief and peace.  Reading older posts on this website may also help you feel less alone in what you are dealing with.  Hugs.   


S, welcome. Please take care of yourself through this difficult time. I agree with the other posts. You are not alone.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Suz, who knows?? Many here ask themselves the same questions. My main question is, what do they, or did they, expect? These days expectations are limitless. Maybe too much of TV nonsense and all the feel good psychobabble put things in their head. All of this parental abuse (and I mean us, not them) is very wide spread. This tells me that the problem is coming from outside the family, not inside. One thing that I have seen over and over is that the worst mothers get the most attention and help from their adult children. So if we had been drug addicts or alcoholics there is a better chance our kids would not ignore us.
I wake up almost every morning thinking that I will write my AC a letter and put all my feelings out there. But once I get up I realize it would fall on deaf ears because I am totally at fault for everything and anything in their eyes and there is no convincing them otherwise. I was a very good mother. I know that in my heart and at this point that is all that matters. If they choose to make things up so that they do not have to have me in their life (for whatever reason) then that is on them- their choice. There is more to life, and I am going to enjoy all the other possibilities and just not focus on what I do not have. That is all you can do. Best wishes :)