November 30, 2023, 09:08:12 AM


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Two years later...

Started by Bamboo2, August 24, 2017, 09:21:27 PM

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Hi Wise Women,
It's been almost two years since I wrote in for the first time, in a post entitled "Heading for estrangement?"  I thought it would be a good time to share an update.

My DD, who has been in a relationship with an abusive BF for four years, is seeing the light and ready to break it off, and this time it seems to be for good.  He has not changed his spots, and finally she is seeing that he has no intention of changing, which she only could have seen when we stepped back from the drama and refused to participate.  As she is in the process of breaking the ties to him, he is trying every desperate ploy to hurt her or win her back - at this point it all seems destructive.  She is planning carefully and I'm impressed with her resourcefulness, knowing she has to come up with the plan by herself as a means of empowerment.  She will have to face the void left by him and his FOO, and that will be part of her growth process.  I'm cautiously optimistic, but I know not to get excited about it but just let go and let it be as it will. 

As I consider the journey I've been on as a mother in dealing with grief, anger, depression, and finally acceptance, I realize that WWU, this supportive community, has been an integral part of my healing.  I learned to let go of what I can't control, to face toward the things and people that give me joy, and to reclaim my self-respect.  Of course I'm still a work in progress, but I've grown and learned a great deal and this forum has contributed abundantly to that.

Thanks to you wise women, past and present, who have guided me with your words to me and to others. We learn, share and grow together, and that is the strength of this community.


Wonderful to hear from you, Bamboo. Your progress is so heartening. We all have to learn as our adult children learn. No one prepares us for this and perhaps that's because it has to be lived. My elder son never forgave me for my humanness, my youngest, our Webmaster, never held it against me. Some of that is about me, for sure, and...some of it has to be about them. Looking back I'm not sure it matters. What matters may be moving through it and out the other side. We get to learn and grow, too! Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I agree!

Luckily for me & my family it seems to have worked out. The wisdom & support I found here @ WWU kept me sane & lovingly detached while DS & DIL figured out what was what. In the meantime DH & I rediscovered our relationship & interests. If DS & DIL had decided to cut us off we would have been sad but would have had our own lives to go back to.

In a way I think our detachment gave them breathing room. DIL saw that we were not going to take over their lives or put pressure on DS to pay attention to us at her expense. Now that their first child is on the way (yay!) I hope we can handle grandparenting with the same wisdom. I told DS we'd be sensitive about when to back off & when to be available & he said that the other GPs will be super involved/spoiling so we should be, too. Lol!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


What a wonderful report, Pen! Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Pen, that was a wise and insightful post.  And congrats on your impending grandma-hood! 


Pen, thank you for sharing the happy news!  I hope all goes well.

Bamboo, I went back and read your original thread.  It seems your DD is quite capable when she makes her mind up, and you seem to have a lot of insight into the situation.  Even so, it can be difficult to stand on the sidelines and hope DD makes the right decision to finally be done with bad BF.  I myself am having trouble being patient waiting for a tangible improvement in my situation, but I know it will take time.  (sigh)  I believe your DD is still quite young so her judgment may continue to improve as she matures.  She must know that she has you to turn to if she needs the support. 


Yes, she does know that, Marina.  I've tried to be quiet and not offer her any advice about how to deal with her now-ex's  harassment and threats so she can figure it out, but I would give her some ideas if she asked (because I've checked into it).  She always seemed pretty strong and capable, but this relationship sure showed me a different side of her.  I think she'll land on her feet.  As you say, she is young and it does take time.  Patience was definitely in short supply for the first couple of years they were together, but it gradually became easier as I realized that she wasn't going to leave that guy on my timeline, if at all. 

Wishing you patience, Marina.  Time is our ally.


very well said Luise! Life is a journey, and not always an easy one.