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Coaching the GC to lie to you.

Started by daniel, June 05, 2017, 06:25:40 AM

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Anyone else have this happen?

Do I simply back all the way off, no contact, no holiday gifts, no birthday gifts?

I'm getting better at no contact but the gift thing is still a question to me.

Saw him Saturday to give him his bday gifts. At his house, of course as they won't come to my house. Felt a little grateful for it, however, that's silly as the only reason I was even invited was because I invited them to my house to celebrate his 6th bday.

I asked him about his party...no g, no party..then his aunt called...party on Sunday. I knew he was lying and that I didn't have a chance so I let him believe I believed him.

Why fight that? He is 6 and none on this is his fault.

Do you send the gifts via mail or just stop altogether?

I'm not sure how to do this.


Whether coached or not, GS was on the spot not to tell you about his party that you were not invited to.   If you have the desire and opportunity to spend time with GS, I would just let GS share what he wants to talk about.  Maybe ask general questions about school, friends, and activities, and find what excites GS to make an emotional connection with him. 

For a long time I was ok with sporadic visits with DIL/DS/GC, but I went no contact (no visits, gifts, calls, cards, etc.) when DIL became overtly hostile and abusive.  I don't look at social media to see what I'm missing in their lives.   

Since you still have contact, is there any reason at this time to make decisions about future visits and gifts, or can you just play it by ear as it comes up?  In any case, focus on taking care of yourself, doing the activities you enjoy, and spending time with people who appreciate you!   


I don't look at social media to see what I'm missing either.

I do let him share what he wants to share, I changed the subject when it was obvious he was coached. No big deal.

He doesn't go to school, his mommy says his job is helping her with the new baby and that he does a great job. (home schooled)

I don't really have contact. Hadn't seen him since January when my MIL insisted they come to my house for a Christmas celebration with her and I.

I don't get thank you's to the BDay cards, just see the canceled check to know they got the card.

Thanks for the reply Marina, I appreciate it. Makes me re-read what I wrote and can see why you responded this way.

Have a great day kids..

I think I answered my own question, why continue giving when there are no thanks given.  I am done.  Thanks ladies.


I see I didn't give details...

I had asked my son if there would be a party (via text) he said no..so I invited them over for cake, or I could go to them with a cake.

He said to come there with the cake...so I did.

I said, no party this year?...I said that's ok, we are having a party now, I even brought cake.

When his aunt called he was sitting next to me and I happened to hear.

Didn't say a word about it.

Things happens

I wouldn't blame your GS to much, being stuck between a rock and hard place is a lot to handle for a 6 year old. I would say he was sparing your feeling, and probably doesn't really understand why this is going on. I would say since they allow contact, I would still give gifts for now. You take the higher road and do not involve him in his parents problems. He will remember this later on down the road and who knows you might end up having a beautiful relationship with him when he is older.


Thanks TH, I would never blame a little boy for anything. He is 6. None of this is his fault.

Thanks for the replies ladies. Love ya


This makes me so sad  :(

I'm sorry you, your GS, and your family have to deal with this. (((hugs)))

My experience may end up being similar (if/when GC come on the scene) - all the warning signs are there. I'm trying to prepare myself, just in case, without "willing it" to happen. What keeps me going is the reality that as adults our GC can make their own choices. If they haven't been too brainwashed, their curiosity might lead them to their GPs. I want to be ready! I'll be pretty old, but that's my motivation to do my best to stay healthy and lucid.

Oh, there really is no reason for this treatment. It could all be so much simpler, happier, less stressful, more loving. I guess the payoff for some people is worth the drama.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


I too was thinking last night that I will be very old when my GC reach their late teens, in case they want to get to know me then.  It is now making sense to me why some estranged GPs leave letters for their GC to read after they die.  I would like my GC to know I loved and cared for them, prayed for their well-being, and say it in my own words, from my heart. 

I heard that my DIL has said she does not want me to be alone with the GC because I will turn them against her!  That is not the person I am, but I think it describes the person DIL is because it is something DIL would likely do (and is doing?).  It was because of her jealousy and mean-spirited treatment of me, using GC as pawn, that I had to go no contact with DIL/DS/GC.  What does it say about DIL/DS's relationship that she does not trust DS alone with me, or DS and GC alone with me--that is, without DIL being there to monitor everything said!  She started her control slowly, and DS adjusted trying to please her. 

My alienation from DS and GC is sad, but it's remarkable that I have learned to move on emotionally this year and not dwell on it.  I do still have problems interacting with small children because I am reminded of my loss, but I think in time I will do better. 

P.S.  I gave up giving personal gifts even before the estrangement because DIL got rid of every gift, including family keepsakes.  Instead I gave money or took them out to dinner.  (No thanks from DIL either.)  Otherwise, I would have enjoyed continuing to give gifts to GC, even if the parents weren't grateful. 


As I see this, it is abuse. Abusive to you, and abusive to your GS. Alienation is psychological abuse. Unless there was abuse between you and GC, which I am sure there was not, there is no justification for excluding you from GC lives and being included at BD parties or Christmas or any other day. THAT is what family is supposed to be.
I am sorry this is happening to you, it is so cruel. :'(