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Trying to have relationship with MIL

Started by DaughterInLaw, May 30, 2017, 08:41:49 PM

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My fiancé and I have been together for almost 7 years. We were 16 and 17 when we got together and we were on and off for about a year when I was 17. His mom and I got along fine until I got pregnant when I was 18. Our twins were born and she seemed to hate me. Our youngest was born a year later and she seemed like she wanted to work things out. I couldn't stand her for the way she talked down about me to him after the birth of our twins so I wouldn't go around her or talk to her. Then a few months ago I called her and told her that I wanted to talk and told her everything I felt about her and how I thought we could fix things. We've been around each other more in the last few months than we have the whole time I've known her. But now, I feel more and more like I need and want to talk to her about things. I want to tell her every detail about my life and I don't know why. I guess because I'm starting to really trust her and value her opinions of me and what I want out of life. I texted her last night and asked if she would want to get together next week. She said that we could, but how do I tell her that I want her to be interested in my life? Or should I not? How do you talk to your mother in law? What kind of conversations do you have? What do you not talk about? Are there things mother in laws want to know? I want so badly for her to like me and I feel like I'm trying way too hard. #motherinlaw


Welcome, D. We ask all new members to go to out HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.

My take is MILs are just people and no two are alike. Maybe you could ask her about herself and her life...then she would do the same. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


It has been my practice to never ever complain about my DH to my MIL.  Yes there are things about him that I would change if I could but I have never told her about any of them.  I always brought up the wonderful things he does and thanked her for raising him to be such a loving and faithful partner.  Evidently she appreciated it because in her later years she introduced me as her "other daughter" and I loved being called that and I miss her dearly now that she is gone.

I have been on the receiving side of complaints about my DS from my DIL and I find that I feel both responsible for his faults and frustrated that I am unable to correct them. The days of me being able to correct him are long gone and there is no way that I would advise her about how to handle it, hence the frustration.   It has not helped me feel closer to my DIL, in fact it has made me avoid her more. 

As for asking your MIL for her opinion on how to handle problems with your children I say go for it.  My MIL was a retired teacher and there was more than one time that I called her to ask how to handle a behavior problem or troublesome teacher issue.  She had a viewpoint that was completely different from mine and was very valuable to me more than once.  You should, however, understand that her opinion is that of a grandmother and the final decision will be yours and your DH's.

Good luck on achieving a warm, healthy relationship with your MIL.  It would make life better for you, your DH and your children.  It is well worth the work!   
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


Welcome, DIL!

My DIL and I have had a very rocky relationship. At one point early on I thought she wanted to be close so I slowly opened up and ended up having my feelings and divulgences (re: motherhood, childrearing challenges, etc.) used against me. If she suddenly came to me wanting to be close again it would take awhile before I trusted her enough to let down my guard.

You are to be commended for wanting a relationship with your MIL. Given time perhaps she'll see that your motives are pure and kind. Good luck, keep trying!

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb