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Opinion needed

Started by Gmissy, May 02, 2017, 02:07:58 PM

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I am new to this forum and have a slightly different grandparent / child  issue.
My middle GD was adopted, to make a long story short, she was taken from the mother , the father, my son, did not fulfill everything he needed to do , GD went into foster care and was adopted. we had her for 6 months as foster care parents , but decided due  to some health issues not to adopt her, we became close with the adoptive parents and still maintain a close relationship with our granddaughter.

Here is the issue, the maternal adoptive grandmother seems to be very jealous or envious,  of our GD relationship with us. While i can understand she wants to be "the  grandma" she seems to have the need to prove something when we are around. If GD or her adoptive sister come up to us to give us a hug , she must also have one and will force one on the child. She makes sure to tell us how involved she is in GD sports, dance  and just life in general.
When we go to her B-day parties we are introduced  to people we do not know by the adoptive grandmother , by our names not that we are her biological grandparents or her grandparents at all. While i find this annoying, i just brush it off, what i cannot brush off is she does the  same thing to my GD  half sister who is 8 GD is 6. she will introduce older GD by name and  not this is GD sister.
We have never forced ourselves in the mix, we will not fight for GD attention, the look on her face when she sees we are there is enough.
I guess my question is, how do i go about letting the adoptive grandmother realize i am not a threat? If i brought it up to her she would never admit it, but i have every intention of being in my GD life  so i don't know how to ease her mind


Welcome, G. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

My take on your situation is that there is nothing you can do to ease the other grandmother's jealousy and any attempt will make it worse. It is about her...not you or your GD. It is her lesson to learn or not. You will hear from others here and get different perspectives. No one is right and no one is wrong...we all just have differing experiences. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Things happens

Hi Gmissy,

My friends son and GF had a child and had the great foresight to put the baby up for adoption.  It was an open adoption, but the Son and GF had nothing to do with the baby after 6 months. My GF and her Husband are very thankful that they adoptive parents have let them into the babies life and the other  siblings (1 adopted and one biological). While she was the Biological Grandparent, she didn't serve in that role and did not want to confuse the kids at such a young age, not to mention to take away what the adoptive Grandparents do for the child day in and day out. So they are known as Miss Jane and Mr Harry, and the kids love on them when they show up for events. And they also know in time that the kids who are now 7,5, and 3 will be asking questions about them and will handle it when the time comes. She just feels fortunate that they are allowed to be part of the child's life, because biological grandparents have no rights and the adoptive family could cut them off any time they please.

If it were me, I would not push the issue about being addressed as the biological Grandparent. Once you gave your GD up for adoption, you ceased being her grandparent in the eyes of the law. And I will tell you if push comes to shove, the Mom will always side with her mom and you could end up looking from the outside in. I would feel blessed to be allowed to be their in life, eventually you GD will find know the truth. And things might change, either for the good or bad.  And the way she introduces the other child is up to the parents to correct if they choose to. Remember it is about the kids, and just make the visits special. Good luck