November 30, 2023, 09:14:21 AM


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

The surprises never cease

Started by raindrops_on_my_soul, April 13, 2017, 12:42:06 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


Hi everyone
I wanted to tell yall what I discovered today. I had a look at my oldest sons facebook page and saw that he had added a woman that his father had an affair with while we were still married. I immediately saw red! Cannot believe he would have the desire to have someone like that on his facebook. How dare he. Words cannot begin to describe my feelings at this moment. I want so badly to confront him but I don't want him to know that I have been snooping. But how do I continue on pretending not to have seen this? And the bigger question is why would he even want to befriend someone like that? I am no longer mad about the affairs his father had as I divorced him and remarried long ago and he has since then died, nor am I angry at the woman he had the affair with. But it still feels like a betrayal by my son. How do I get beyond this?

not like the movies

I don't know much about FB. I don't have an account. I have called it FakeBook over the years. Seems like there is always a lot of drama centered around it. You could ask him how that came to be she is connected with him on FB. There could be an innocent explanation. I wish I could offer more. I really don't know the protocol and etiquette of FB. 
When you pick up a stick you get both ends!

Things happens

There are several scenarios :  There could be a chance that he doesn't even know that he has added her a friend, I personally have added a lot of people by accident or accidentally asked to be friends. Or he could be one of those people who accepts any friend request because the younger generations goes for quantity of  friends not quality. I am amazed at my younger relatives who will have hundreds of friends. Not knowing the whole situation, but maybe he had a good relationship with this woman while with your ex. My Hubby's Mother would put such a guilt trip on him for having a relationship with his stepmom when his mom was the one cheating. And then when she remarried and his step dad was in his life for 15 years before she divorced that one and then got mad at him for us visiting him and his new wife. She put my hubby in a terrible position, and he has never forgotten it still many years after her passing.

And then do you really want to stir the pot with your son on something he might not realize that he did? The past is the past and you can't change it, and being upset is only hurting you and not anyone else. If you are no longer angry with her or your deceased husband, why would you consider it a betrayal? I would get all the facts before you say something you might regret. And if it bothers you seeing that woman being friends with your son on FB then delete him as a friend. And if your not friends with him, then you shouldn't be snooping on his FB page as it will only cause trouble down the road.


Maybe I'm just having a senior moment ( ;)) but I thought Luise had already responded to this.  The fact is that we have no say in who our AC choose as friends.  It is sometimes better to not even know if there is a chance of getting hurt.  That is the approach DH and I have taken with our DD.  I don't do FB but DH does. I felt as though DD had betrayed me when she chose to live with her abusive BF's mom and spend so many special days with them instead of us.  Seeing those relationships on display on FB just tended to fuel the fire of hurt and resentment. My DH unfriended DD just so we wouldn't be privy to information that might irritate or hurt us.  Our lives have been much more peaceful now that we control the information that we receive about her relationships with that BF and his family.  Now I don't feel as much negativity toward those people because I don't know anything about them anymore - mostly I feel indifference, if anything.  But I keep my guard up so I don't go down that path again.   It's a constant, active choice we make.  I like this line from the last post: being upset is only hurting you and not anyone else.  All the best  :)


Good news, Bamboo--you are not having a senior moment!   ;D  This original post appears in another category too. 


Whew - thanks for clearing that up for me, Marina  ;)


I wouldn't call looking at my sons facebook page to possibly see pictures of him or my grandchildren snooping. He lives many miles away from me and I don't get to see my granddaughters because of this. So it was by accident that I noticed it anyway. And also, when their dad was having the affair with this woman my son would've been 12 years old so there is no way he could've had any kind of relationship with her which is why it struck me as so strange but ty for your response anyway.


Well that's just hurtful.  Of course you're upset because although you've moved on, that's just a blow to the heart.

That's the truth and now the other truth, that's not so fun.  He's an adult and unfortunately, he gets to pick who he is friend's with.  Yes, it stinks, but since he was only 12, there is an outside chance that she has come back into his life in another role now.
She could be a business relationship via another friend, or a cousin of a friend he hangs out with so he's ran across her again.  The point is, you don't know.  It could have nothing to do with what happened years ago.  And then maybe it does and since his Father has passed, he was curious to know what he could about him. 

I know when my OS added the woman that my husband left me for, I was very hurt.  But, in the end, he has a relationship with her because of his Father (who did end up marrying her eventually).  His adult relationships are not my business any longer. 

I would just leave it alone.  Unless you start seeing posts from her on his page, or comments where they are chummy, I wouldn't say anything.  If that starts happening, then I personally would say something next I spoke with him.  Something along the lines
of noticing all the comments and that it took your breath when you saw who it was.   Give him a chance to explain.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Raindrops, FYI, you can tell who's been looking at your Facebook in more ways than one. Just so you know! But if his FB is open to the public, then why not look! and don't be ashamed of doing it- YOU ARE HIS MOTHER! Now if you put cameras in his house or hire a detective to spy on him, well that is a different story, LOL!