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Is It Wrong To Feel So Hurt?

Started by luise.volta, March 28, 2017, 12:12:27 PM

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From Monroe: I'm addressing an old thread about how the expectant couple told his mother about the baby by texting a picture of the pregnancy test results.  After that, his mother was chilly to the DIL. 

One other factor to consider is whether the grandmother-to-be might think a text announcement is a bit impersonal.  And that would be on the son as well as on the DIL.   Probably more so on the son since that was the way he wanted to tell his mother. 

If I were to receive a text that my son and DIL were expecting, I would find it a very impersonal way to share very special news with me.  That would deflate my interest in the event. 

Our son did call to tell us when he and our DIL were expecting.   We had a nice, personal conversation in which we could share our excitement and tell him how much we loved him.   His wife was not on that call.   Her choice - of course - but she missed an opportunity to share wonderful news with us and create a bond.  The kid is a year old now, and she has yet to mention the pregnancy, the baby, or the significant gift we sent.   If I had only her to rely on, I would not yet even know I was a grandmother.

So maybe this grandmother's impersonal attitude is a reflection of the impersonal manner in which her son chose to tell her.   

We had a death in the family not too long ago - elderly parent.  I received many cards, letters and phone calls, and I deeply appreciated each and every one of them.   What I did not appreciate, and was actually offended by, were emails from people expressing sympathy for the loss of my parent.  How lame.   My parent died, and they couldn't bother to pick up the phone and talk to me personally or send a card or hand-written note.  That would be too much trouble.  I'm sure it is somewhat of a generational thing with me, but to send a sympathy message electronically really rubbed me the wrong way.  I am afraid I would have the same reaction to an electronic notification of my son having a child.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Here are my thoughts on this:

You can make the decision to feel hurt but you risk alienating yourself from your family member or friend.  Do you really want to do that because someone didn't meet your expectations?

My kids do call me, but they often text me.  And I'm okay with that.  I'm happy I hear from them.   

I have family members and friends who last year expressed condolences to me re: the loss of my parents via Facebook, email, or a text message and that was it.  Although I would NEVER choose to send condolences in any of those examples (because I do agree it is impersonal), I choose to be grateful they reached out to me.

There is a difference with my kids' generation.  (30ish)  An example from a few years ago:

After my daughter was dating her now husband for several months, she was coming to visit us for the weekend and he was coming to meet us for the first time.  Of course, my first concern was feeding him (lol) so I asked her if he liked pot roast.  She didn't know whether he did or not so she offered to call him and then call me back.   After 15 minutes she called me back and said "Wow, that was weird!"   She then explained it was the VERY FIRST TIME she spoke to him on the telephone!!  I asked her how could that be? Don't they communicate each day?  She responded:  "Yes.  We text." 

I am from the generation of phone calls and writing letters (remember those?)  I still dash off note cards in the mail to friends and family to let them know how good it was to see them, or just that I'm thinking about them, etc.   I recognize I'm in the minority these days by doing that and I don't care.  I'm going to keep doing it because I like to do it.   

I don't think many people understand what a difference it makes to truly put forth an effort when communicating with someone else.  We are a world shaped by social media now; we've lost that personal connection.


Patience - I agree fully with your comments.  Especially the last -- "I don't think many people understand what a difference it makes to truly put forth an effort when communicating with someone else.  We are a world shaped by social media now; we've lost that personal connection."   

I was not actually hurt by the email condolences - they were from acquaintances, and the method they chose to convey the condolences simply confirmed the status of our relationship as that of impersonal acquaintance.   As Seinfeld used to say "There's nothing wrong with that".   But it makes the handwritten notes and cards all the more meaningful. 

I do text with my kids - but i don't want it to take the place of a personal relationship.   


Hi Monroe!  I agree that texts should not define the relationships we share with our kids.  Texts present words in print - that's it.  Sometimes those words are misinterpreted because we are not listening to them.  There's no sharing of thoughts - no true expressions.  The relationship needs to be fleshed out with conversation.  However, I do have to admit that there are times when texts are convenient... sometimes I just dash off a quick text to let them know I'm thinking of them.