DIL is using grandchildren as a weapon to hurt us

[byrdg605]

That's ok stilltrying, we all are having some sort of problem or we wouldn't be on this website. I am just glad that I can come on here and vent. I really am trying to keep my mouth shut, but it is hard sometimes. I guess I just need to stop expecting certain things and take what is given to me. I just feel very used sometimes. I am learning to cope with it though. I am not getting very much in return right now, but there is always tomorrow. Thanks

[Nana]

Dear byrdg"

My heart is with you.  I know how it feels not to see a grandchild.  Your son seems not to be there for you but I assure you he loves you but is trapped in the middle.  Maybe son feels that intefering will make things worse for you.  He knows your dil more than you do and I suppose they have had some arguments on this subject.  Just hold in there.   You say that you do not please her whatever you do....  When dils want you out of their lives it is very convenient to be finding fault.  I hope she will soon realize what she and your grandchildren are missing not having you around.  Even if you dont believe it....they sometimescome to their senses and understands it  sooner or later......and when this happens, it is awesome.  (my experience).

I will keep you and other hurting mils of this site in my prayers.

[Turtle]

but it is really hard to have my son call and ask to borrow the truck, lawnmower, or something and when they come to get whatever he has borrowed, we have to go out to the vehicle to even see our grandchildren

I HEAR YOU! A situation similar happened today, once again. Hence I found this forum.
Perhaps we need to remind ourselves, it's their issue. Still hurts tho doesn't it?!
You sound like a loving caring aprent. Better times to you!

[luise.volta]

Yes, it is so hard! My heart goes out to you. I remember delivering a car of mine to my son after he decided to buy it. We went in two cars, of course, and when we got there we stood out in front of their apartment (after driving 60 miles) and talked for a bit and he couldn't ask us to come up for a minute. I've been treated better by total strangers.

[Smiles2U]

Dear byrd, I sure hope things get better for you and your family! My thoughts and prayers are with you . I think there is few things lower than someone using a child as a weapon in any battle, If it's with IL's or and X. Children love them all and have a different view on things than the person who is angry. And the angry person is hurting the child more than any one else. I really hope it gets better for you and your Grandchildren.

[kathleen]

Luise, the very same thing happened with my son.  We went to dinner at his home and we were 15 minutes early.  He suggested we go down the street to a cafe and have coffee until the appointed time.  Then one day we stopped (with advance notice OF COURSE) at their home.  It was a very hot day and we asked for a drink of water and DIL and he said that their kitchen was too messy and we could not come in. So we dropped the stuff and left, never seeing the inside of the house we helped them buy.  I think if a panting dog stopped by their door they would have given the dog a drink, or their thirsty cats.

Kathleen

[Pen]

Yeah, Kathleen, what's that all about? DS & DIL don't hesitate to call and come over anytime, but we've never been invited to their home and are rarely invited in (DS will if DIL isn't home) if we find ourselves doing a drop-off or whatever for them (I've told this story a million times here, sorry for doing so yet again.) I see it as a control issue, and a passive-aggressive way of showing us DIL's disdain. They actually did feed and water a stray dog, LOL. I guess that shows us!

It's time for them to move again. Please please please encourage me to stay strong and just say "no!" Although it'd be the only time I'd get to see their new place...no! No!

[miss_priss]

Byrdg605 - It sounds like your intentions are good, but I agree that "telling her off" is making the situation far worse.  At least it would if I were your DIL.  There's certainly some kind of underlying issue she has with you, maybe you meant it, maybe you didn't.  Maybe you didn't even know you did it, but there has to be something.  Now that you're "not holding back" she certainly has cause to have issue with you.  And I adopted a rule long before my own daughter was born..."If you can't be civil to mommy, you can't have access to her children."  Accept that.  As long as you have open, verbal issue with her, she has no reason to even want to share her children with you.  Pushing and pushing and pushing will only get you pushed OUT, so be careful what you say to DIL.     

I just wish my son could open his eyes and see what is going on around him.

Be careful with this one dear.  Its very easy to want your son to "opne his eyes" to see things the way YOU do, but it sounds like his eyes are wide open.  He's well aware of what's going on....regarding the FACTS anyway.  Emotions are so one-sided.  Don't expect him to understand how this is hurting YOU, he never will.

If you want to correct the situation, I think first you will need to learn how to hold your tongue. I'm not telling you to take a tongue-lashing from DIL or DS, but learn to pick your battles wisely.  Snarky comments and accusations are designed only to harm, they serve no positive purpose. 

Stilltrying2010 brings up a very valid point.  Any reasonable mother would want all of her children to be treated the same, no matter what their bloodlines are.  Whether or not she treats them the same is only seen through a very limited observation, obviously, since you don't see them often.  You can't take what you evaluate once or twice and form an everyday assumption. 

So here's a thought:  for whatever reason, she doesn't want you alone with them.  What if you went to visit THEM, at their home, under her supervision?  If she has the chance to evaluate you a few times, maybe she would change her mind?  It's possible I guess.  Sad that you would need to do that to show her, but it may be a test you have to pass with her.

I think the biggest struggle betwen MILs and DILs is learning how to love the same man in different ways, accepting different roles in his life, and not overstepping the boundaries of the others' roles.  I've seen so many MILs write on here and I've gathered that its just as hard for the MIL to accept that her son loves another woman just as much as he does his mother, as it is for the DIL to accept that the MIL should have a steady SUPPORTIVE (not controlling) role in his life as well.  I also think we're all "battier" than what we're willing to share about ourselves with complete strangers.       

I don't know, sometimes I'm full of really useless ideas and hot air....but I do hope you find a peaceful resolution.  It is sad to watch a grandmother who is deserving of that role be denied it, while so many grandmothers really aren't deserving of that role, but think it's their "right" because their child reproduced.   

[kathleen]

Pen, Say NO. NO. NO NO NO!!!!!!!

Kathleen

[pam1]

Yeah, Kathleen, what's that all about? DS & DIL don't hesitate to call and come over anytime, but we've never been invited to their home and are rarely invited in (DS will if DIL isn't home) if we find ourselves doing a drop-off or whatever for them (I've told this story a million times here, sorry for doing so yet again.) I see it as a control issue, and a passive-aggressive way of showing us DIL's disdain. They actually did feed and water a stray dog, LOL. I guess that shows us!

It's time for them to move again. Please please please encourage me to stay strong and just say "no!" Although it'd be the only time I'd get to see their new place...no! No!

You know, it may not be about you at all.

My brother and his wife are like this and it has nothing to do with anyone.  They are bad housekeepers, the both of them.  I know my brother is very messy and SIL with 2 kids under the age of 5, I'm sure it's very hard for her.  And the only reason why I know is b/c I had to go in their house one day for an emergency.  It wasn't horrible, but it was bad enough and I know my brother would never want our mom to see their house like that.  They were both embarassed that I was there.  I used to wonder why they never invited us over but now I know.  It's nothing to do with us, they just don't like to clean and they are embarassed about it at the same time.  I guess it could be worse, they don't like to clean and still want us to come over lol.

[Pen]

Hi, Pam1. I certainly could understand being left standing on the stoop if DIL & DS were messy, but they're not. She's fastidious about her home and her person. Her FOO is allowed in - maybe she's afraid we'll infect her home with fleas?

[Pen]

And thank you, Kathleen - I'm practicing now. No. No. No.

[luise.volta]

It's very encouraging, Pen, to see that you can spell it! I couldn't do even that for the first half of my life! 

[Nana]

Pen......I wish you a happy ......No...no....no.   You will sure feel proud of yourself. 

Ïf you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got".
Let us know the outcome ok?

If we dont value ourselves, no one else will  lol

[cremebrulee]

I would say nothing and try not to let things my dil said or did bother me. I wanted to see my grandchild and that meant more to me. But...that is me.
Your son must know how you feel...you need to go to him sometimes when you have a problem with your dil. Let him handle it...if he can.
One thing my son did when she would call him non-stop while he was here was NEVER answer those calls.
Before he would leave with my grandson to visit me he would tell her what time he would be home.

She wanted control of him constantly...one of the reasons they are no longer together.

I've got to go along with what Red Rose has said here....cautioning, when you discuss this with your son, please don't make it sound like your blaming her...otherwise, he will immediately take offense and be defensive...never make it sound like your talking about her, but discussing the situation with your son, as to what you can do to take ownership and fix this.

Tell him, you don't understand why she is angry with you, and what you did to start all this...explain to him and then ask him, "Was I wrong?" and if he says yes, don't take it personal, but as a suggestion on how to fix it....and listen to his words...because he knows her better then anyone...and ask him what he thinks you could do to make your relationship better.  It is a very slow process, however, don't allow it to control you, make you feel insecure, or inept...in any way....your DIL sounds very immature...and time does change things, I promise...

RedRose also said what my cousin's wife said...that she wasn't going to allow her DIL's actions towards her, someday, define her realationship with her grand children, so she just left things roll off her back, and it was hard, however, years, later, they are good together, but they will never be close, like she is with the other one, it's nothing against her or personal....just the way her DIL is...very to herself, and personal...sometimes, she's very talkative, and other times, she is very withdrawn socially...I've witnessed this....so, it might not all be you...she just may not be socialable and views a close family as a threat....to her closeness with her huband...it's just the way she thinks and believes...maybe?