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Changing expectations, changing the subsidy

Started by Aergia, June 27, 2010, 09:39:57 AM

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Aergia

We are a divorced family with one child, a daughter of 25. We have been very lucky to have raised her well that she has made and continues to make good choices.  She is a full time doctoral student. As a family we had agreed that if she was able to get to this academic level, we would continue to help her financially and emotionally.  She has some medical issues that may make it difficult if not impossible to start her own family, which could delay any part time educational efforts.   We always thought time was of the essence. We wanted her to get thru school and get on to her real life asap. She is 'on track' and getting through all her requirements in minimum time, no complaints. Her graduate tuition at this private university is on student loans. One way or another, the family got her through undergrad with no loans. She has always had a good paying summer job except for this year.  She was fairly careful about making that money stretch.  In addition, she had a campus job that provided in pocket about $4000 a year; an equal amount was paid to tuition. She made that stretch and I helped out with lots of other things

As of June this year, she has no source of income. With continued full time study she is still 2 years away from her degree. She must complete many hours of unpaid or poorly paid clinical hours for degree. Her studies preclude a summer job. Her campus job was time limited and is also gone.

Since 2007, when she started grad school, her dad has agreed to pay the rent and she does have roommates.   He continues the medical insurance.

I insure her car (it was a gift from another family member), and her belongings, I pay for gas and repairs, registration, tolls to get home and around her own town. All of her medical co-pays (which are significant) are on me, as is her phone, her portion of utilities and food. 

8 years from now is my 'full' retirement age. Based on my current and projected accounts, I will be working several years beyond that, if retirement will ever be an option.  I know I am not alone in that.

Am I so selfish at this point to want to stop this open faucet of support? It would mean she would have to slow down her studies, and take a real job.  Her degree would be further away, her own children, even further.   

The friends and extended family who know our situation think I am absolutely nuts to keep this up. But she has played by the rules. I feel it may be ethically wrong  to the change the game.

Input?



RedRose

June 27, 2010, 12:41:31 PM #1 Last Edit: June 27, 2010, 12:47:04 PM by RedRose
I agree with your friends. You have to start thinking about yourself.

You have done an awful lot for your 25  year old child. Maybe you can stop your support a little at a time.

She needs to get a job and take more responsibility for her own life. Poorly paid clinical hours for a degree is still some money. Maybe it will take a little longer...but...when she is done...she will have a good paying job with benefits.


catchingup


My son's fourth chartered acounting year had to be paid with a student loan.
Once they are qualified they can pay it off fairly quickly.
In South Africa one has to only pay the interest every month and then pay the loan back once they are qualified.

Aergia

thank you folks, I guess I just need more people telling me it is ok to think of myself.......
this was my first post...

keeponsmilin

M 2 cents (from a 30 something)

I think you deserve some "me" time.  I know all doctoral programs are different, but my dear hubby is almost done with his program WHILE having a full time job, a part time job, and 4 children.  We make it work.  People do it all the time.  I admire you for helping your child get through undergrad with NO loans!  I still have years to pay off mine.  You have done your job.  If your kiddo is capable of earning a doctorate, then she is also smart enough to find a way to support herself. 

luise.volta

You probably know it is time to change the plan to lessen the pressure you are under. What we can offer is support and caring. It's a long, tough road and I think your daughter is not the only person to be considered...it's everyone concerned. It's been a partnership all along. Keep it that way by voicing what you want and need. Sending love..
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama