May 21, 2019, 02:56:19 pm


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

Dealing with my daughter's behavior oer the years...

Started by jnel921, December 28, 2016, 01:29:54 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


I'm glad you feel you got some good direction.  You can always write your statements down in preparation to talking with your daughter, so you can keep on track.  Also, you don't need to explain your decisions, which could just give her points to argue with you.  You can always be a broken record if you are challenged, which means you repeat the same statement over again (and over again and over again, if necessary).  That lets you take a stand without being manipulated to say more than you want.  No need to feel defensive in your decisions and boundaries.  I hope it goes well for you.  It seems you are trying to handle this situation in a different way, instead of repeating what you were doing in the past without getting good results--good for you!


And just remember that old habits die hard, so if you find yourself straying from your new approach, give yourself a break and keep trying  ;). My daughter used to tell me, during that first year after she moved out, that I always looked like I was either mad or crying. While that was an exaggeration, it was her perception. The truth is, when I  really started doing things I enjoyed and let go of some of the worry about her, it was easier to handle my conversations with her.  My daughter also felt better  when I seemed relaxed and happy with my own life. 


I finally got a text yesterday. I did an audio FaceTime and told her what he said was would. I could tell she was somewhere where she didn't have any privacy and a guy who was speaking to to her was nasty. She wanted me to say hell to her friend but I said nothing. She said I wasn't being very nice. I told her you have been out of my house over a month and you don't know your friends or where you are staying. So I really don't feel like being nice.

She mentioned wanting to see me and asked her friend if she could use her car. I told her so you have to ask permission for things there too huh? Doesn't sound so different from when you were home.  She said yeah I guess it's not. She never came by and whoever's ipad she used to speak to me when am guessing they took it back.

My son mentioned last night that she texted him 2 days ago asking him if he thought I would allow her back home. He told her maybe yes, but she wouldn't have the freedom to do whatever she wants and I won't hand her the car. She didn't respond to him. But at least I know something is making her feel this way. Hopefully it's not convenience.


I guess I wouldn't be surprised if it is convenience that would make her consider whether she could move back home.  I think that would be true for most young adults, no matter their circumstances.  Once they have had a taste of freedom, it is hard to go back to something more restrictive. I don't think it means our kids don't care about us, it's just that they want their independence. Once the original thrill of living away from home wore off, and she started having to pay bills, my daughter began to realize all the things we paid for and did for her while she had lived at home.  When her BF wasn't willing to pay his share of bills, she started talking about wanting to move back home.  It wasn't because she missed us.  But the fact is, she would not be any happier in our house than we would be having her back.  And this way, she is learning how to function as an adult. (working two jobs, paying all her own bills) She would not do that if she moved back home, and instead would probably have a license to spend freely, make noise and messes, be out as much as possible, and where is the adult responsibility in that?  We surely don't want to nag, threaten, cajole, set limits, worry, know about all the questionable decisions in her life... been there, done that.  So have you.  I'd suggest letting her figure all these things out without making any comments or comparisons between your home and her life away from home.  It's hard...heaven knows I made more than my share of comments, which just ended up making her defensive and irritated at me, instead of at herself for her own choices.  It was (and still is, sometimes) hard for me to get it through my head that nothing I said or did would change my daughter's path ~ she would have to come to that realization and make those changes of her own volition.  I think that she is on that journey now, but it is definitely a winding, circuitous path. 


Thanks Bamboo2. We went to see the therapist last night. He was sorry to hear about our D and her choices. He did tell us that she made a choice and that we had to accept that we no longer had control. He did say that it's still very fresh and because of her personality and and immaturity there is still a chance she may want to come home.

He said if she asks that we should accept her back. I told him that my issues are what was mentioned here. Living at home, relying on us yet still wanting to go out there and do all of the things that made her leave. My home will not be a place to rest her head. I would want for her to have a plan. Show us that she can be responsible and trusted. Right now we don't know what the truth is. Or even how she really feels about anything. She has been gone over a month now and she has spoken to me a few times.

He mentioned that we should focus on our M which I believe has taken a hit behind this. So we will continue to see him. I have to admit I do have some anger towards my H over this as over the years when we have had difficulties with my D his first response was always screaming and yelling and telling her to get out of our house.  Last year when there were issues she would just leave and didn't wait for my H to get that angry. When she would go he would look for her and say he wants her home but then would make threats later about her getting out again whenever he would be upset.

Last night he mentioned wanting her to be home but when he started talking about the conditions and his attitude I could foresee that not even working out. He made some kind of analogy referencing a very tight leash. It made me upset because at this point that is not the answer.

She hasn't asked to come home anyway for now, but we have to work on us and how we handle things.  This is what I feel is important.


It sounds like you have a good plan to put your marriage first.  After having talked with a lot of my friends with AC who have boomeranged back home, most of those parents are pulling their (own) hair out!  It's especially hard when parents aren't both on the same page.  So I commend you for working on your relationship with DH at this time.  The rest is out of your hands for now.  I wish you well with the counseling.


Hello WW,

It's been a rollercoaster over the past several days. On Wednesday my son spoke my D and came home later to tell me that she wasn't happy in her situation and wanted to come home. I asked my son is this something she wants or is this something you told her would be best for her. Because of course we think that but her actions prove otherwise. He said she would call me the next day. She gave him the impression that the living situation was a struggle. So the next day my son and H were prepared to go over and pick her and her things up and then we would talk about the conditions of her being here once again.

Long story short, it never happened. My H and son went over but it wasn't without some kind of drama on her end. Turns out the landlord where she was staying had no idea the renter had additional people in her apt so I am sure she got in trouble for that. My H also wanted to speak to her prior to see if her wanting to come home was genuine. Turns out she only wanted a better place to rest her head. He told her that if she didn't want to come home she didn't need to. She said she wasn't ready. That she was good where she was. I at this point was frustrated because I was at work in meetings and did not have any say as to what was going on as it was happening.

When I got home I spoke to my Son and H. My son explained that my D feels that with these people she may have some great opportunities when it comes to make up. Supposedly when she went to GA with these people she met some famous rappers and his assistant who asked her to help with make up and told her she could help her get some more gigs in the future. These guys she is living with are up and coming rappers, however the one she is taking to seems to have money funneled to him everyday. Although this is the case my D is seriously behind on all of her bills. I doubt that taking the fast track to being successful will help her, or trying to do so on his coat tails. Younger people seem to always want to skip the trainings, and degrees these days.

So my son took her back. I went later that evening when I got home from work with my son to return her things after the landlord had left the property. My D didn't look unhappy. I told her how disappointed I was that she wasn't willing to come home. She said she would but that she'd still wind up there. I told her coming home meant wanting to go to school, work and make something of yourself. This was what I was willing to help with. But at the same time I couldn't deal with the stress of her disappearing or not following through with the things we expect of her. So this may be for the best.

She mentioned how the apt she was staying at was broken into while they were away and how whoever broke in made holes in the walls and killed her guinea pig. She also mentioned that her friend that had some of her bins with her belongings threw out her things on the lawn and in the dumpster after a falling out. I told her that she needs to realize that even the people who she considers friends will do things to hurt you so you need to be careful and not so trusting. I don't like what is going on. But I cant control it and don't want this in my home. She really needs to figure things out and for now I will be an ear and I told her I would be her friend. She was surprised as she said, you always said you weren't my friend. I told her while you are living with me and I am responsible that is different. This is a different dynamic and our relationship will not be the same. Our relationship will depend on our communication and whatever you decide to talk to me about. I will be here to listen.

I met her roommate before I left. She too looks like she has issues. She mentioned how out of the group that is there my D is the only one who has a mom. She said my D would be ok and safe, she promised me that. I told her that as her Mom I needed to know that for myself. But I don't know or trust that girl, and she doesn't know how much my D threw away to be in the terrible situation with her. From my understanding they have to be out of that apt by the end of the month. The girl mentioned getting a home in another town. I am not sure how my D feels about that if she starts a new job here. So who knows where the wind will take them or what she bases her future decisions on. This is a new experience for all of them and I don't believe it will last long or work out the way they think i will. I just want her to be safe.


My own experience is as long as I was knee deep in my son's life, I didn't have one. There was too much drama. The job of maturing was his to handle as he choose...learning from the consequences. I may be a minority here but when I got that I had done my best and knew the rest was up to him, I healed.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


It seems the reasons for the choices your D is making cannot be explained away by just her immaturity.  It sounds like she is just continuing the actions she has done for a long time.  She may enjoy the conflict and the chaos.  (I've witnessed my family members thrive on conflict--they use it for manipulation and control.)  If D is oppositional, as you mentioned, then she is likely to do the opposite of what you would like.  She knows you well and knows how to push your buttons.  D may also be enjoying all the attention she is receiving from you, your son, and your husband.  And if you change your actions toward D, she may change her tactics to get your attention again.   

It might do you a lot of good to step back for at least a while so that you gain some perspective.  At this point, you may not be able to see the forest for the trees.  Do some reading regarding manipulating people, personality disorders, drug addiction, etc.  Consider what Luise and Bamboo2 have also said. 


I think after reading M.'s last post that we have all given you a lot to think about. Our input feels pretty complete. For that reason, I'm suggesting you move past reporting the continuing drama to us and on into integrating. There is a lot in this thread to read over and over again and I'm closing this post to support that. Sending hugs and wishing you the best.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama