Dealing with my daughter's behavior oer the years...

[Marina]

Sorry to keep adding like this, but I think I was mincing words instead of being direct.  What I have read, and found true for myself, is that you don't really get clarity until you remove/disengage yourself from the toxic person, which usually means no contact (or very minimal contact, if absolutely necessary).  It takes time, but slowly you get a better perspective and a healthier mindset.  Your emotional and physical health are important! 

[jnel921]

Thanks all for the kind words and virtual hugs. My best friend is a therapist and told me that she could have a personality disorder as well. She lives all the way in FL we are in NY so she only knows what I tell her.

I want to get my life back. My H has been home due to knee surgery and he goes back Thursday. He works nights. He is a police officer. I thought my D would have the common sense to do real gut especially knowing this. But t she simply doesn't care.

I will take some deep needed breathes tonight. This might be a good start.

[jnel921]

I am starting to get some negative feedback from friends who don't agree that I should take some time and keep away from my daughter. They say love on her as much as I can. But I believe this is where she got me and took advantage. What do you think given the situation?

[Bamboo2]

I think there are different ways to show love.  I don't think we ever stop loving our kids, even if we don't like them very much (like their behavior, I mean).  They don't seem to live by the values we raised them to uphold.  There is nothing we can do about that.  I think that your top job now is taking care of yourself, as you said earlier.  Nurture your own mental health.  You are not abandoning your daughter, just giving her the space she needs to make her own life choices.  You cannot be a doormat.  Love her from a distance right now.  Remember that there are as many ways to deal with our AC as there are people with opinions, but I would stop worrying about how others feel about your decisions regarding your daughter.  They don't understand the situation.  You do.  I say trust your gut on this. 

[luise.volta]

One of the things that was the hardest for me to get and put into practice was that my son didn't 'get me into' the place I found myself in. Using your words. My reactions, my solutions, my take on all of it got me there. It took what seemed like forever before I got it but after I did...I had my power back which was basically my self respect. The truth was if I got myself there...I had to power to get myself past it.

For me, it was a shock to see that in the name of love I was underwriting abuse...mine. Not only did my son have to make his own choices and face the consequences, so did I. Eventually, in my heart I gave him his adulthood. I had done my best to bring him to that point and my best was all I had. Now it was his job to take it from there and his privilege. What an eye opener and how much harder it was to do it than to say it. How much harder I found it to let go of my very garden variety expectations and the opinions of others and turn to rebuilding my own life. The hardest was to let go of being right...I wanted to prove that I was to everyone I knew, including my son.

But...oh, the peace and joy on the other side. Oh, my...

[Marina]

Since you feel so torn emotionally, is it possible to allow yourself a time out from your daughter so you can re-group emotionally, at least until you have had a chance to work with the therapist you plan to see?  In the meantime, focus on things you enjoy, like time spent with your son and husband.  Exercise is great for clearing your head and improving mood; it uses up nervous energy and stimulates endorphins. 

To keep on the right track, I regularly spend time reading on this website where I find support from ladies who understand.  I had to cut contact with my DS/DIL/GC because the relationship was damaging to me and I could do nothing to change them or the situation.  I love them from afar and pray for them.  None of my friends understands because they have not faced the same problems--which is okay because I can focus on other aspects of my life with them. 

[jnel921]

Thanks Bamboo, Luise and Marina,

I know I have allowed the love I have for my daughter to make things worse I believe. Tough love my H and exH have pushed for me to enforce.

Today I got a call from Walmart. Turns out the CEC program was looking for my daughter as they had her sign up after she was caught Shoplifting today wherever she is. I was really upset. I also don't know why she gave them her old number as opposed to her new number. So I did what I said I wouldn't do. I sent her the message I recused and a co corned text. I even called and left a voice message. No reply.

I have an appointment on Monday with our family therapist. I hope he can help us handle this all better. My girlfriend seems to think that finding out these bits and pieces are a blessing. It lets me know what's going on, however it makes me more anxious and worried.

Luise I know you spoke of letting go, but I find it really hard to do right now. My D has nothing and she is traveling with low life's and now this. Every month she seems to top the month prior with her behavior.

I am going to try and take that deep breath again.

[luise.volta]

None of us let go quickly. All I can add is that your daughter is out on a limb and alone and with low life as a result of poor choices. What's happening are the consequences that are part of her learning...or not. Some put off learning. That brings more lessons, if no one enables them. It's really hard. I remember...

[Bamboo2]

I want to second what Luise has said.  Our daughters have made choices of their own free will.  They've hit forks in the road and continued taking the low road, or the road that has led them to where they are now.  We have done our best to point (guide, push, bargain, beg...) them in a different direction, but it hasn't helped.  So now when we say or do something that we think is "helpful", it usually has the opposite effect and gives them another reason to lie, blame, ignore or resent us, and might make them dig in even deeper.  By letting go, we give them no reason to lie, blame or resent us further.  The responsibility for what their life has become falls squarely on them and their own choices.

I, too, have had well-meaning people tell me I should want to know details about my daughter's life regarding the lowlife boyfriend.  How do they know what I want?  One day this past summer, when a well-intentioned friend of the family asked DD about her BF in front of me, I told them both that I don't want to know about their relationship and that the two of them could have that conversation somewhere else.  Later that day, when DD was pouting because of what I'd said, I told her that my peace of mind was important and I was not going to sacrifice my mental health anymore by hearing about the BF.  Mean?  Maybe, but that is my line in the sand, and DD knows not to cross it.

Although I used to be obsessive about wanting to know every detail of her life and wanted to help her through the pain of the abusive treatment, I lost sleep and spent hours on the phone with her, only to have her tell me the next day that everything was fine and it was all just a big "misunderstanding", or she had simply "overreacted".  I'd be rich if I had a nickel for every time I heard one of those words out of her mouth or HIS mouth. I rode that roller coaster for far too long! There is SUCH freedom in not knowing.

[jnel921]

Thanks Bamboo2,

What you said makes sense. My D is back and called me last night. She had gotten the message that the wanted to speak to her. So she will call me later today when her phone is fixed. Originally I wanted to have the conversation you mentioned where I know all that she will do is back away.

I guess he can only tell her that I hope she considers what she is doing going forward and not to route her issues in my direction. I can mention what I saw but how I feel about it is my own issue.

I am not sure what else to say but I do want her to remember that she has a family who loves her.

Do you think this is ok?   

[luise.volta]

We are all unique and when it comes to deciding what was OK for us may or may not be OK for you. We share and we care but we don't 'know'. Does that make sense? Ask your heart...your heart is healing and your heart knows. Sending hugs...

[jnel921]

Louise,

I didn't get a call just yet today. So not sure if it's cause her phone is really toast or that she saw my text and heard my voice message me was deterred. Maybe later tonight when she knows I will be home.

My girlfriend whose D is 18 said something similar, except she said she gets a lot of advice but at the end of the day I don't listen. I do what I feel.

I feel kinda numb.

[luise.volta]

We're with you. We all know what that feel like. Hugs...

[Marina]

I hope your appointment with the therapist is helpful.  Hang in there!

[jnel921]

Hi All,

I spoke to my best friend who is also a Therapist. She told me to keep my conversation positive even though I still didn't get a call. She says to tell her thanks for calling...let her know that I love her, that we all do and that now that she has made the choice to be out on her own and make certain choices that all I wanted to do was forward some information that i received and that she needs to be responsible for handling this. She also said I should let her know that going forward she should provide her actual cell phone and address that she is residing. Ultimately she is responsible for herself.

All good advice I think. She also told me that if her first words are what are you doing, always say something positive and fun, like planning my next vacation, getting ready to try a new restaurant, etc. This way she senses that I am not concerned with her or her nonsense.

I hope I can do all of this without breaking down and doing all of the things I shouldn't.