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What is it with the food?

Started by Scoop, June 21, 2010, 06:26:07 am

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cremebrulee

Quote from: Scoop on June 21, 2010, 10:39:56 am
Totally makes sense, that's why I'm here.

Yes, I'm strong-willed and I know that DH picked me because I'm strong-willed, like his Mom.

I know that I can't win all the time.  But I also don't think she should win all the time either.  I've been trying to find the balance where I don't feel taken advantage of, and she doesn't feel 'hurt'.  It seems that she's only happy if I roll over completely, and I just can't do that anymore.  However, I understand (now) that I don't have to aggressively hold my position either.  So yeah, I'm still working on it - thanks to you guys!

I know that my MIL will never be the MIL of my dreams, she really doesn't have it in her (that was a hard lesson for me).  We've never had a major incident, but we are really too different to reconcile.  The best I can hope for is to interact on the "acquaintance" level.


nope, I'm not saying you should give in all the time...compromise is the issue here...however, you should be able to have your way to....I guess what I'm saying is, it's how you present it...
and I beg to differ...when you get to be 60 years old...well, your priorities change, and things that really upset you when you were young, seem so unimportant, now...that I promise you....

It's a battle of the wills...so, if one lets down the will, there is no battle...it's not a matter of winning, it's a matter of keeping peace....and learning to allow...no matter how bad your MIL is, there is always always something in this for you, your self to learn....it could be patience, learning to allow, or learning how to turn negative energy into positiver b/c believe me, she has to know when she is annoying you...it's got to show....it's like a scent that dogs pick up on, it's an energy we display....

I really hope you understand, I'm not against you, b/c I'm a MIL....I'm for you....it's a battle of the wits, a generation gap, and an unwillingness to try and view the other person's character...in this case, your MIL is unable to sit back and allow....and, I might be wrong, the more you'd give in, the more she may want....? 

Pooh

Scoop, I am right there with you.  Except its me and my DIL that are total opposites.  And it does take two.  I am trying to learn (with all you lovely ladies helping me) to accept her for who she is and let things go.  But, like you, I don't think that equates to letting her run over me.  Trying to find that balance too, but she will have to come to that realization as well to make it work.  And then again, she may never come to that realization.  I have to accept that too.  But even if she doesn't, I know if I can learn to not sweat the small stuff, I will be a better person for it.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Sassy

June 21, 2010, 12:52:01 pm #17 Last Edit: June 21, 2010, 12:59:48 pm by Sassy
Scoop, I never leave my mom's without food.  Leftovers.  Whatever extra 2-for-1 she got on sale.   For me and my sister.  I'm going more with a mom-thing than a problem-mom thing.  Enough moms that it covers problem moms, too.

This appeared to be a hostess parting gift. 
Especially since MIL knew you knew she went to the grocery store, she picked up some Perishables "while she was there".
She knew you liked cheese and bread.  Lox is considered a delicacy. Seriously!  I don't eat or order steamed salmon or any pink (oily) fish dinner,
but cold smoked salmon topping bread and good cheese (or bagels and cream cheese) is a delish treat of a light meal.  Goes well with mimosas or a light red!  Cheers!


Pooh

This thread reminded me of the "funny" at my Mom's house every year.  Several years ago, Mom bought all the guys in the family, as one of their Christmas gifts, one of those beef logs from that famous company that sets up at the mall every Christmas.   As each guy opened their beef log, the guy sitting beside him was elbowling him going, "Oh, you got a beef log too."  Of course, all the guys were very gracious to my Mother and thanked her for the present.

So now, every year, they all get a beef log.  We get the biggest kick out of it because none of them like beef logs.  They tell us on the side that they take them to work, give them to friends that like them, etc....but because of their always pleasant "Thank yous" to my Mother, she thinks they love them and just beams when they open them.   Bless their hearts for letting her have that pleasure.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

willingtohelp

That reminds me of my grandmother.  When she was dating my grandfather, she made him a strawberry rhubarb pie.  He raved about it, so she kept making them.  On their first night at home after they were married, she decided to surprise him and make him his "favorite" pie.  He smiled at her, asked her to sit down, and said, "Betty, I love you so much, please remember that when I tell you this.  I don't like strawberry rhubarb pie.  And I was happy to eat them when we were dating, but I just can't spend the next 50 years doing it.  Please don't get mad."  She said she just laughed and scolded him for not telling her sooner so she could make something else.

Perhaps we could all learn something....speaking up gently to the other person may be able to produce the desired result if it's something you can't handle happening time and time again, and overlooking or acting pleased about something you don't like, if you think it's a one time thing, can make someone else really happy.

cremebrulee

Quote from: Sassy on June 21, 2010, 12:52:01 pm
Scoop, I never leave my mom's without food.  Leftovers.  Whatever extra 2-for-1 she got on sale.   For me and my sister.  I'm going more with a mom-thing than a problem-mom thing.  Enough moms that it covers problem moms, too.

This appeared to be a hostess parting gift. 
Especially since MIL knew you knew she went to the grocery store, she picked up some Perishables "while she was there".
She knew you liked cheese and bread.  Lox is considered a delicacy. Seriously!  I don't eat or order steamed salmon or any pink (oily) fish dinner,
but cold smoked salmon topping bread and good cheese (or bagels and cream cheese) is a delish treat of a light meal.  Goes well with mimosas or a light red!  Cheers!


I tried the salmon on bagels and yuck..and I love fish?  However, didn't like lox....makes me shiver just to think about it...LOL

Pen

If only - we get leftover-from-their-holiday, meatless ham bones, LOL. You've got to laugh; food symbolism is interesting, eh? A great read on that topic is Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

justus

I don't get the food thing either. My Mom would make these huge elaborate meals for us and then pout if we didn't eat all of the food. We gave it a college try,  but neither DH nor I like to eat until we are miserable and neither did our girls. DS was a growing boy and ate his weight at every meal, but even he could not clear the groaning table of food.

She would have 2 or 3 kinds of appetizers, two kinds of meat, a potato dish and maybe a rice dish, a couple of cooked vegetables, a salad and rolls. All this for 7 people, two of them picky teenage girls. To add insult to injury, she would have at least one kind of high fat desert. It was impossible. We would try a bit of everything, praise her cooking, which was honestly a bit heavy for us, and thank her profusely, but it was never good enough. It was like we didn't love her unless we made ourselves miserable. Then she would send all the leftovers home which would end up in the garbage because we couldn't eat it all before it went bad.

I guess she expected us to eat like my sister's family who never left a bit of food on the table. There was a reason my sister and her family were morbidly obese and we weren't.

I think a bit of it is that a women's worth was once judged partially by the food she put on her table. Growing up, there were certain dishes one had to do well, or you just weren't a good cook. If the food wasn't eaten, the you weren't a good cook.

Those women who bring full meals with them are kind of selfish. I understand a gift of wine, or some groceries after staying at someone's house for a weekend, or a hostess gift, but to bring a full meal takes away the pleasure of being a hostess to the woman of the house. Maybe unintentionally, but it is sending a message that you don't think she is capable of putting out a good meal. And, it is also stealing the thunder of the hostess, especially if she is new to it and is unsure of herself or maybe isn't as good a cook as you are. It is all about being sensitive to how someone else might feel. Yes, you may think of yourself as the hostess with the mostess, but it is generous and considerate to let someone else have their turn.

keeponsmilin

Those women who bring full meals with them are kind of selfish. I understand a gift of wine, or some groceries after staying at someone's house for a weekend, or a hostess gift, but to bring a full meal takes away the pleasure of being a hostess to the woman of the house. Maybe unintentionally, but it is sending a message that you don't think she is capable of putting out a good meal. And, it is also stealing the thunder of the hostess, especially if she is new to it and is unsure of herself or maybe isn't as good a cook as you are. It is all about being sensitive to how someone else might feel. Yes, you may think of yourself as the hostess with the mostess, but it is generous and considerate to let someone else have their turn.

Exactly!  As Gypsy Rose Lee said, "Let me entertain you"- Sorry.... I just love musicals. 

neecee

This is an old fashioned way.  I have been given opened loaves of bread by older relatives, just as I am walking out their door.  Think of it like good luck, or saying "I wish we were breaking bread together again".  Don't think about these things too much.  They are just benign "old ways" and meant to be a loving gesture.  You are quite lucky really.

DDM

Man, if I could count the number of 'gifts' guests have brought that I haven't liked!!! At least with food they are not expecting to see it displayed in your living room on their next visit. LOL! I say just be gracious.

A while back I did a rough calculation of the number of meals I have prepared in my life. Based on 35 yr of marriage, X 5 meals a week (truth is more like 10 meals) = 9,000+. At this point I say bring it on. Any food I don't have to cook is a gift from the Gods. IMO

Pooh

Lol DDM.  I never calculated how many meals before. Wowser!  I am very lucky now with my new hubby.  His family couldn't afford to go out to eat growing up, so that is one of his fav things to do now!  Woot woot!

Also you got me tickled because I just threw out this thing I have had for 20 years.  It was a ceramic piece with 4 dolphins shooting out of the top of it, with fake water sprouting up and this moss stuff glued all around the bottom of it.  It seriously looked like a seaworld reject.  But my best friend gave it to me as a hostess gift when we were about 22 and I had it displayed all these years to not hurt her feelings.  I am talking hideous!  Since I have remarried, I have been cleaning out my house to get it ready to sell and my bestie was helping me a couple of weeks ago, go through some things.  She looked at this piece and said, "OMG, please tell me you didn't pay money for that?"  I started laughing so hard I was crying and finally managed to go, "No, it was a gift."  She was saying some other things and I think it finally dawned on her and she just stopped and looked at me. "Please...please...please tell me that I didn't get that for you?"

Oh it was priceless.  I nodded and she said, "What was I thinking?  That is awful.  Why in the world have you kept that ugly thing?"  I told her because I loved her.  We both started laughing hysterically and she grabbed it, tossed it in the trash can and said, "And I did that because I love you!"

All these years I kept that ugly thing because I didn't want to hurt her feelings and after all that, she didn't even remember she had given it to me.....priceless.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

DDM