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Uncaring Daughter

Started by joyewils, June 20, 2010, 08:13:16 PM

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joyewils

Three years ago my husband and I moved from a beautiful ocean front community to another state so we could be with our very young grandchildren and to be a loving part of their lives.  For three a one half years everything was great.  My husband and I are retired so we agreed to babysit during all school vacations, parents' nights out, meeting school buses, over nights, etc, etc.  We did this with pleasure and totally enjoyed it.  We never received payment but never did we want or expect it.  I have an adult son who has always been difficult and problematic.  Several years ago he broke the law and told everyone that I did it.  I did not.  Let me say his siblings and my divorced husband believe him not me.  Why? I do not know.  Whenever I tried to talk to my family about it, they would tell me that they did not want to "get involved." I wanted to take a lie detector test and wanted my son to do so also at my expense.  I emailed this request to him but he never replied.  Last week we were watching the kids, and one of them slipped and told me that this son, their uncle was getting married.  I felt like the air had been sucked out of me.  The girls were scared to death because they told me because their mother told them not to tell me.  To make them both feel better, I smiled and told them not to worry about the "slip" because I already knew.  I really did not.  Even though my son and I had been estranged for years, it hurt terribly.  Next the girls asked why their uncle and I do not speak.  They were told it was because he wanted to live with his dad and not me and that was why i was "mad" at him.  So untrue.  They are both almost 11 and 12 and very smart and mature.  I told them that this was not the reason  They asked me what the reason was.  I explained that something happened years ago.  That their uncle did something and blamed me for it.  I also explained that the people that know the story really do not know who is telling the truth, me or him and that I could understand that.  I explained that I want to take a polygraph to make the truth known and to clear my name with the family.  They both completely agreed and said that they believed me.  One of the girls said, "grandma, you do not want to get old and die with people not believing you.  You have to clear your name."  They wanted details but I said that they didn't need to know anymore than what I told them.  Over and done with.  They resumed playing, were happy while they waited for their dad to pick them up at 10 pm, got ready to leave, kissed me and said that they loved me and went home.  Meanwhile my 90 year old mother was admitted to the hospital and is dying.  Two days after watching our grandchildren, my daughter phoned me and never said "hello."  She screamed. "We have to talk."  She shouted, "You are toxic.  You are a scumbag.  You are horrible and a trouble maker.  She stated that her kids mean more than anything else in the world to her and because of what I said to them she told me that I "will never, ever, ever, see my grandchildren for the rest of my life."  I got numb all over.  I could not believe what I heard and became hysterical and could not stay on the phone.  She claims that I scared her kids to death.  I did not.  They were scared because they told me something that they were told not to tell me.  This has been devastating to me coupled with my mother's impending death which seems to not concern her.  I always thought that my daughter and I had a great relationship but I realize I was wrong.  I never heard so much anger and hatred come out of anyone's mouth.  I cannot imagine anyone talking to a parent like that.  Why couldn't she call and say, "Hi, mom.  Do you have a few minutes because I would like to talk to you about something."  What she has done to be is like a death in the family.  Actually, my mother was dying in the hospital when my daughter did this to me, and my dear mother died a few days later on June 16, 2010.  I feel as if there has been a double death.  We love her husband but he wouldn't dare cross her.  She is not very nice to him at times, even in front of people.  She dislikes his family and told me that they are "dirtbags."  They are not.  I find them quite nice.  My husband is very upset.  He is being punished for something that he never even knew happened.  The saddest part is what it is to my 45 year old son.  He is retarded and lives with us.  He loved visiting with his sister and the kids now it is over for him.  My daughter always told us that she would provide for my son after my husband and I are gone.  We have put away monies for his care.  This, I am sure will never happen, and my husband and I could never  trust her now.  I suppose I am beginning to ramble so I better quit now.  My real main issue is our grandchildren.  I do not know what to do, if anything.  Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to read my post.  Happy days to you all.

irenic

Hi Joy, I read your post and it hit home to me as well.  I am no longer able to see my grandchildren.  It appears you are still in a state of shock, as I am.  I am taking each day with the best strength I can rally.  I try to keep busy, took up hobbies to keep my mind off of the awfulness.  I think just knowing that there are others in the same boat as we are helps.  It is unbelievable most days, can't understand my daughter's coldness.  I too lost my mother and father recently and it is painful to have another "loss" isn't it?  I don't think we can ever figure it
out what our adult children are doing to us.  But I have tried to move on, to work with children, to volunteer and hope that one day my daughter will come to her senses.
You did the best you could, I totally understand the talking to the grandchildren thing.  I tried to talk to my grandson, he turned things around to his mother and she
called with a nasty message and now I can't see them.  I am sure you have done what you can to be the best grandparent, and that is all you can do.  Pamper yourself and
know that you are just going to get by hour by hour and it takes time to mend our broken hearts.  I am so sorry for your sorrow and pain.

luise.volta

I am learning from all of the that it. that it's beyond wise to do the "no comment' thing. Not that way, of course, but still a refusal to discuss history...however vaguely. It's not fair but it appears to be politic. Taking the stance, "I love you and I'm not going to pursue this subject with you because it doesn't matter that much, really...and digging it up might cause problems." Something like that. Not open and not fair but I can sure see how it supports survival. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama