July 04, 2020, 02:39:19 am


"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

Dreading Wedding

Started by kimmieg08, July 24, 2016, 10:02:53 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


Hope this finds everyone doing well.  It's been a while since I've posted.  Things had improved for a while with my son but have gone downhill recently.   I look at him and wonder where this insensitive, disrespectful person came from. 

Because my husband works with a small company, he can take only one week of his vacation time during the summer months.  Since the wedding is out of town, his vacation has to be used for travel so we aren't getting a vacation this year.  (I'm a teacher so this is the only time I can take a vacation.)  Yet my son, who we gave every advantage we could afford, is partially paying for her family to rent a house at the beach where the ceremony is taking place so they can vacation there the week before the ceremony. While we don't need his financial assistance, it is hurtful that their attendance is so important he's willing to fork out big bucks for their lodging and hasn't even offered to pay any of our expenses.  Granted, we would refuse if he offered but the message I'm getting once again is that we don't really matter to him.

Her family is contributing nothing yet are being treated like royalty.  We have given and given financially as well as of our time and energy to help them prepare for their day and have yet to receive so much as a thank you or any other acknowledgement.   

The big day is this week and I can't muster up a scrap of excitement or happiness.  Truth be told, I really couldn't care less if I'm there or not.  Yet my son "needs" for me give an Academy Award-winning performance as Susie Sunshine.  His  actions have me so hurt and beaten down that I'm just not sure I have it in me to pull it off.


Oh K, how my heart aches for you!!  A few years back I was where you are now except we were not the ones who could pay for much of anything.  Still the way my DS had been acting I was sure that I was just flat out losing a son.  The DIL's FOO treated us like a parasite and the DIL would not let my DS even visit for more than 30 minutes before she was on the phone asking when he would be home.  She even went to the extreme of starting a kitchen fire (in a frying pan) to get him to leave and run home to her.  We did what we could to help them, even found them a place to live for a very reasonable price with some friends who had an apartment on their land and they proceeded to alienate my friends in every way possible.  It was horrible!!

So here comes the wedding.  I kid you not, I spent most of the days before the wedding dreading the event.  I gritted my teeth and went though it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done.  I do not know how I smiled at the people who congratulated me.  I knew I would not see my DS very often again.  And I was right.  My DS pulled away so hard that I did not see him or hear from him until they got pregnant.  Once the child came my DS changed and actually so did my DIL.  They made it obvious that they wanted our family in their children's lives.  They even chose my younger DS to be guardian of my GC if something happened to them  What a change!!  So things have gotten better.  Yes they are still attached at the hip to my DIL's FOO and I know that they spend a lot more time with them than they do with us BUT we are included more than I ever thought we would be.  They come over for the holiday meals (turns out my DIL's FOO does not cook) and I have even taken a couple of trips with my DIL, although I have sworn I will not do that again because my ears were so tired at the end of the ride and I think I got on her nerves too!

Anyway the point is that the wedding is not the end of the journey, it is the beginning.  Most people seem to look at it as the ultimate goal, and our society tends to appreciate the thought of the couple riding off into the sunset and the happily ever after stuff, but honestly people find out it is the beginning of the hard part.  Getting married is easy, staying married is tough!!.  There is plenty of time for things to change.

Your job is to go to the wedding and try to be as happy as you can.  I will lend you my mantra that I kept repeating to myself during my ordeal, "Her job is to make him happy and he seems happy to me" over and over again and into the months after the wedding and actually I still use it on occasion.  He gets to pick who he marries and how he treats his in laws.  Thankfully I do not have to have much to do with his in laws, and if my DS is OK with seeing them that often, well, so be it or "better thee than me"!  I no longer resent the time I know they spend with her FOO but it took a lot for me to get to this place.  I am getting the feeling that my DS is getting a little tired of being around her FOO though.  Lately I have been baby sitting one day a week for them and when my DS picks the GC up he hangs around for quite a while.  I enjoy the time with him and the time with my GC! 

Good luck on the upcoming nuptials and try to remember that is isn't over or even close to over!

Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


Hi, K. We get to honestly feel what we honestly feel when our simple expectations aren't met. And then we get to move on.
That's the hard part. I agree that you will be glad you went and smiled. We are all here for you. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Green Thumb

We don't have to be mary sunshine but we do have to be pleasant and polite. To me, this is easier than being the happy, happy fake happy person. I truly understand your pain. My meanest daughter got married last year and it was a misery and she treated us like dirt. We left the reception super early cause she didn't even seat my husband and myself at the parent's table and she refused to have me attend the part where the ladies help dress the bride. Her excuse for being so hateful to me was that we left the reception without saying goodbye to her!! She must have had ESP to know in advance what we would do so that she could be hateful verbally to me in advance of my actions - LOL!  And in my life, I have found that the manipulators and controllers almost always get their way, but I don't want to be that person who manipulates and controls. I would rather be the outside person, even when it hurts. Its no win with these kinds of people and I have just come to mostly accept that fact. We are all thinking of you and hoping for the best.


K, whatever you decide to do please take time to nurture yourself. Treat yourself to a spa treatment or day out in nature or even just a cup of tea and a good book! If you attend the wedding, wear a piece of jewelry that will keep you centered, strong and calm whenever you look at it. I have a bracelet my mom passed on to me - I feel she's with me, giving me strength during stressful times. And then when it's all over, take TG's suggestion of a little get away  :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


hope that all went well, kimmie.  followup when you can?


Well, I survived the wedding.  It was hot and miserable but I kept my smile pasted on and was a gracious guest.  I kept reminding myself that my sweet Mama would have been disappointed in me had I done any less.  I made a special point of welcoming our new DIL to the family and let her know that I had no issues with her but rather with the insensitive and inconsiderate treatment I had received from my son. 

My son has said he is sorry and never meant to hurt me.  The proof will be if there is a change in behavior or not.  I wish I had the capacity to just shrug it off and move on but the flip side of loving deeply is hurting deeply.  Maybe in time I can get to that place.

Thank you to everyone who shared insight and encouragement.   You don't know how much your support meant.



Good job, K. You are a class act for sure. I'm so glad you are here so we can support you! We all appreciate your support, too. This site changes lives :-)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Green Thumb

Kim, you stayed calm and positive and held to your truths. That is a great victory.  It is good you spoke up for yourself, now you are teaching son you deserve respect and he can't treat you badly without having consequences. He may continue to do so, we can't change other people, but you did what needed to be done and good for you!


Glad you made it through.  Relief on the other side, right?  Every encounter is a new adventure.  We never know how others come into a situation or how we are feeling that moment affects us.  After many years of hurt with dil and son, i try to go with best intentions and high hopes.  Seems like they are trying now too.  Just keep moving forward and hope for the very best!