Son, DIL and two grandsons

[BellaTerra66]

I have not spoken to my oldest son, his wife and my two grandchildren in ten years.  My oldest grandson was 8 when I broke off contact with them because my son had been using me as a verbal punching bag for more than 8 years, and I had had it.  My oldest grandson knew his father didn't like me and was verbally abusive to me.  I didn't want the youngest grandson, who was two when I left, to pick up on it too.  And it really didn't kill me to break off contact with them.  I was mostly grateful not to have to put up with my son's abuse any longer.  Well, my oldest grandson is graduating from HS (today), and a few months ago my son called me to tell me that my grandson wanted me there for his graduation.  To make a long story short, it didn't take long before my son was doing the SOS again, this time by phone and e-mail (I do not live close by so he can't do it in person anymore).  After two months of his crap, I decided not to spend the money to go to graduation -- I told them I was too sick to travel (all toll it would have cost about $1700, and I am far from rich -- did I mention that my DIL's father was coming for graduation, and he was invited to stay at their house, while I had to make reservations at a hotel).  Now when I talk to my grandsons by phone I get one-word replies.  When I e-mail my grandsons, they don't respond.  Not once have they answered me.  (I already sent them a lot of money via the mail, so they don't need to answer me, of course).  I don't want them back in my life.  Ten years has passed, I don't know any of them anymore, and, frankly, I don't want them in my life anymore.  I have a very good life without them. 

[luise.volta]

We have to take care of ourselves. If we don't, who's going to? You created a survival plan and you have survived. Congratulations!

[Nana]

Dear Bella:

You are a very strong woman.  You know what you want and what you need.  You did not needed them in your life.  You decided to break off the relationship which is something very hard and painful for many of us.    As Luise says.....your survival plan worked out for you.   I am not sure if you did right or wrong.....but the most important thing is that you have a good life.    I always ask myself...when is enough enough.     

Best wishes for you!

[irenic]

Bella, you are an inspiration to me, I wish I could break off the ties, my grandsons do the same thing now.  How do you cut off the
hurt and pain?  Share how you got throughevery day.

[BellaTerra66]

Thank you all for your support.  Really. 

Of course it still hurts, but it's about 1% of what it was the first year I didn't see them.  It's like any other grieving process.  If we're fairly mentally and emotionally healthy, it hurts less and less every year, but, of course, it never goes away.  I primarily made the choice out of love for my son and my grandsons.  I did not want my grandsons growing up seeing their parents abuse their grandmother (the other grandmother passed away two weeks after the birth of our first grandson) and I did not want my grandsons seeing their grandmother just lying down and taking the abuse.  And I did it out of love and respect for myself:  I saw endless years of my son's abuse just so I could see my grandsons. 

In all fairness to my son, he was a great kid.  A sweet loving good kid.  But his father was abusive (I was married to his father for 22.5 years before I decided I'd rather live on the streets than take any more of his emotional and verbal abuse).  So my son joined The Marines when he was 17 (MUCH against my will) and then suddenly he was the youngest Marine in the first Gulf War.  When he came home from that war, he was an entirely different person.  Four months after he got home, my future DIL was pregnant.  They married when he was 18 and she was 17.  My son is an atheist and my DIL is a Fundamentalist, born-again Christian.  How they've stayed married all these years is beyond me other than together they have become very rich over the years.  Not so rich anymore since the recession, but rich enough that on Monday they are all leaving for Hawaii for ten days.  And they take trips like this once or twice a year.  And they owe nothing except the mortgage on their home.  My son's main interests in life are finances and making money.  And he's done extremely well even in the recession.  Both my son and DIL are college graduates  -- they went through college while raising the grandchildren -- and they have extremely good careers in the medical field.  They've both been working for the same BIG company almost ever since they were married.

The pain lessens with time.  One day I just realized that I had done basically nothing to deserve my son's abuse and that I did not want to spend the rest of my life being abused just so I could see  my grandsons.

Life is not fair.  Once we get this through our heads and accept it, life becomes easier for us.  This is what 'fate' dealt me -- I don't get to be a grandmother to my grandsons.  But that doesn't mean I have to curl up and die.  I love being alive -- I am pretty healthy, I have enough money to live on, I love the beauty of the state I have retired in, I am going back to college -- again -- in the fall.  I am not at all religious but I am spiritual in my own way, and I'm not at all afraid of dying and of dying alone.  I have done Hospice volunteer work off and on for 20 years (mainly with Veterans at VA Hospitals),and I have worked for and with the homeless.  Before I was 30, I got to do a lot of traveling, mainly in Europe and The Middle East.  (I have never been rich -- In fact, I was pretty poor growing up.)  I wake up every morning profoundly grateful for the life I've had and am having.

Kinda got carried away here.    I do hope I've been at least a small help to the rest of you.  Life is still good even if we don't get to see our grandchildren.  I just felt so bad yesterday when I realized that I wasn't seeing my oldest grandson graduate.  Thank you for being here.

[cremebrulee]

Hello and welcome....sometimes there is no other recourse then the one you chose for self preservation...it was very difficult to do...it's like someone cut your heart out...and it takes a whole lot of strength to come to the decission you made and follow thru...however you did, and I'm very sorry for the pain your going thru...it isn't easy...but like the other ladies here have said, you did what was essential for your own health...

The only suggestion I have, is when you get down, and I know there are times it's not easy, come here and vent away...we're here to support you and try and help you thru those down times.

This is a great group of women here, and who other then to gain support from then someone who has gone thru what your going thru...it's seems to help....

Kudos to you for your mental accomplishments...I'm very proud to know you...



sending you big hugs girl...
Creme

[irenic]

I think what helps me is that there are others who have gone through the same thing and are making it.  I spilled my guts out to a co-worker yesterday
and had not talked to anyone because i was afraid it would get back to my daughter.  I realize that she is abusive to me and that she
will take anything and use it against me.  I am trying so hard and it is like a cancer is growing in me and I can't stop it (the pain of losing my daughter)
and need to take all steps necessary to fight the cancer (mydaughter).  Thanks for all the support, it is still very hard for me, I am trying to get
tough.

[luise.volta]

Just be you, toughness will come. And so will Grace...

[BellaTerra66]

If our children are abusive to us, we've already lost them.  Also, by allowing them to continue to abuse us, we lose our own selves and we teach them that abusing us is perfectly all right with us.  Is that really how we want to live and the message we want to send?

Our children are not our property -- they never were.

We have no right to believe that they 'owe' us anything simply because we raised them.

I lost my only daughter to suicide when she was 28, about 12 years ago.  One of the things that made it bearable was a book that was assigned to my English class when I was in high school, The Prophet by Gibran.  In the book there is a chapter on children, and a line from that is:  "Your children come through you, not from you."  And the reality of that statement hit me very hard.  So, long before I started having children, I knew that they were their own persons, their own souls, and had their own lives and destinies.  I had to love them, feed them, clothe them, educate them to the best of my ability, to keep them as healthy as possible, and to keep them as safe as I possibly could without making our home a prison and without making them afraid of the world.  But I always knew very well that I could not control their minds and their souls or even keep them alive.  I was not God.

Do I wish things could have been different so that I could play loving Grandma?  Of course.  But not very often anymore.  It's been ten years now (the first year was very painful -- I'm not going to tell you that this was easy from day one -- it wasn't, of course), and I have my own life, a good life, without my grandchildren.  And, yes, of course, this few months of contact recently with my son and his family has been like picking a scab but it has also reinforced for me that my decision 10 years ago was definitely the right one.

You've been so kind and supportive over a rough time for me.  I hope you'll let me come back.  Thank you so much.

[luise.volta]

Don't come back...stay!!! You have a lot to offer others.  Sending love...

[Pooh]

Yes please stay and offer your wisdom and advice to others.  You are proof that bad situations happen to good people, but you still carry on and live your life to the fullest.  And you are perfectly right, I think we get caught up in the expectations of who are children should be that we forget about "free will".

[justus]

I am curious if you have told your son why you have cut him off and what his reply was? Does he realize he is verbally abusive to you?

[MagicGram]

You are very wise.  I hate what I hear about these young people coming back from war.  It wasn't like that when the men came back from WWII.  I wonder what's different now that so many of them are so alienated and wounded in their souls. I don't think anyone under 22 should be fighting on the fron lines.  Maybe that's what's different.

But it didn't help that his father taught him abuse.

I don't know if this is the case with your son, but their are some people who MUST have a scapegoat in their lives.  When one scapegoat escapes (like you did) they find someone else.  I wonder if it's his wife...and she stays because it's hard for abused wives to leave and because of her religion.  Unfortunately your grandsons are likely to continue this tradition.  It's good you have the self respect to insist on only decent treatment. 

I am terribly sorry to hear about your daughter.  You've had your share of pain and sorrow; you grew from it, and you deserve the pleasure you've created for youself in life.