February 19, 2020, 06:11:53 pm


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Started by Lucy P, March 05, 2016, 10:53:27 am

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Lucy P

Greetings Ladies --- Its been several months since I last posted here, although I have looked in often to read others' posts.  I'm sure very few, if any, remember me - due to my relatively short time online and infrequent posts.  That's ok.  Basically, I have had a roller-coaster relationship with my oldest daughter for many years; she is now 43 y.o..  Her father and I divorced when she was 6 or 7 years old, and without going into all the gory details, let me just say that he was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive to me - frequently displaying his hatred of me in front of our two daughters.  He was never abusive to the kids, and I'm sure that if I had claimed his abuse toward me back in those days, I would have been laughed out of the courtroom. What I'm trying to get across here, is that my daughter has taken similar behaviors as her father, primarily passive aggressive tactics, manipulation, and false accusations against me.  Months will go by without a word from her, and then suddenly, when she feels its to her advantage, she pops up again and acts like nothing is wrong.  I feel like I'm a squirrel running on one of those wheels.  We just keep going around and around, and come right back in the same spot every time.  She has always been insecure, needy, and clingy - which drives me nuts.  I'm independent and feisty.  I've learned the hard way to stop being the door mat.  I'm sure she's spent years listening to her father reinforce her beliefs that I don't love her, I'm a terrible mom, I'm a loser, I'm incompetent; yep all that same crap he would throw at me when she was little.  Took me YEARS to get to this point where I KNOW I am not like ANY of those things he claims.
To get to the point - I invited her and her 18 y.o. daughter over to my house for lunch to celebrate AD's birthday.  I planned a nice meal, and spent yesterday afternoon baking a cheesecake for her.  --- All the while, knowing, just feeling, that she will cancel.  AGAIN.  Like she does EVERY TIME. Cancels, or wants me to drop everything and reschedule to the next day or next weekend, always with some flaky excuse.  Sure enough, this morning at 8:00 a.m. she texted me.  "Freezing Rain.  Can we make this tomorrow?".   This is Michigan in early March.  She lives 40 minutes away off of a state highway.  The forecast was for light snow, temps rising in the mid-30's by noon.  We had agreed that she would be here at 1:00.  She's calling me FOUR HOURS before she would need to leave.  I called her back and explained that the weather will warm up, and by the time she needs to leave the roads will be salted and blah blah blah.  She didn't offer to come later, which would have been fine by me, but she insisted that today wasn't going to happen.  I have plans for tomorrow, and my doormat days ARE OVER.  I said, sorry, I have plans for tomorrow - I won't be here.  Then she says that I don't care about their safety.  Good Grief.  Believe me, if I thought they were risking their safety driving here I would have happily canceled and rescheduled, but she was overreacting and I told her so.  One thing led to another and I finally ripped into her and said, you know everytime I invite you over here 90 percent of the time you cancel.  No defense from her, but "you don't give a dam......"  Click.  I hung up.  DONE. FINISHED.  I'm eating the damned cheesecake this afternoon.  NEEDED TO RANT.  THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMMENTS, IF ANY.



I'm sorry that your efforts weren't appreciated.  Bravo to you for making the attempt to keep a good relationship with your daughter. Hold your head high for being the bigger person and enjoy every bite of that cheesecake!  If I were closer, I'd come have a piece with you.   ;D



Hi Lucy, and welcome back!
I posted something earlier but it didn't show up...hmm..
Anyway, I second what Kimmie said about enjoying that cheesecake!  Let's make it a WWU cheesecake party!

It sounds to me like you are ready to let go of the abuse and live your own life.  Bravo for you! You matter, and that is what you told your daughter, loud and clear. I read something that Luise wrote about saying what you want for yourself even before you believe it yourself.  It is called self-respect and protecting your own emotions.  Trust your gut! If and when that daughter can treat you respectfully, she knows where to find you.  In the meantime, I predict sunny days ahead for you, no matter what the weather is like outside.  With delicious cheesecake, anything is possible  :)

Green Thumb

It is very painful to feel not appreciated. Sounds like your daughter has some issues, real issues. If she gave you a lame excuse that sounds irrational, perhaps she is irrational and trying to be rational with her, never will work. So stand your ground, be proud, and let it go. Any relationship we work our butts off to get nothing back, is toxic or dysfunctional.


I remember you! I'm with everyone else here. Good for you for giving it your best shot instead of not even trying. Who knows, she might have surprised you instead of following an old pattern. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


What everyone else said. It's too bad she didn't appreciate your efforts.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb