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Verbally attacked by son

Started by Eggshells, December 31, 2015, 11:21:07 am

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Eggshells

I discovered this site recently, and would appreciate any thoughts about next steps.  Oldest son, his wife and 5 yr old grandson live 300 miles away.  Very well off, have not visited me or other son and family in 3 years.  With wife's family every weekend/holiday, travel or work or pleasure to see her friends frequently.  Got call from this son at Christmas, he told me they were going to Fla. to visit friends this week, I (big mistake) asked if they could stop here on the way back.  He blew up at me...accused me of saying things without thinking, putting him on a guilt trip, etc.  i am beyond offended and honestly am in no mood to call him any time soon.  Question:  do I leave things alone and wait for him to take the next step?  I don't hear from him often, but am also not a frequent caller, as I have a full life with career, volunteering and son, dil and 2 grandchildren that I have great relationship with.  Thanks for any feedback and Happy New Year to all!

Eggshells

Thanks for your reply, TG.  As much as I want my son - and especially my beautiful grandson - in my life, the reality is that the wife's family and friends are the people who count to him.  Makes me REALLY appreciate the people who DO care, but a bitter pill for a Mom to swallow......and for reading other posts on this site, not that uncommon.

luise.volta

Welcome, E. We ask all new members to go to out HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website.

I agree with TG. 'It is how it is' and accepting it from a distance makes sense to me. You might want to go our Helpful Resources category and take a look at the wonderful material and suggestions that have been placed there.

The hardest thing for me to get when something similar hit me, was that is was about my eldest son. Not me. He tried to make it about me and for a while I bought it. No more. I have a full and wonderful relationship with my younger son, our Webmaster, and his wife...and like you, I'm deeply grateful for that. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Give it time, Egg. Keep taking care of yourself and pursuing your own bliss. If your DS comes around after realizing you are not a source of stress, great. If not, you've created a good life for yourself.

This is really hard for loving moms to deal with. I'm forever grateful we have each other!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Eggshells

Thank you for your thoughts, Luise and Pen.  I am sick about this but am keeping myself busy and return to work on Monday, which will be good for me. 

I too am beyond grateful for this site.

Bamboo2

Hi Eggshells,
Your name implies that you have been watching what you say to your son and how you say it.  Who needs that?  I would not call, and maybe even not take his calls, be busy, keep it short, have something boiling on the stove that needs immediate attention, whatever you have to do to be at peace. Sometimes the less contact the better when things are negative and AC try to manipulate conversations, emotions and situations with blame and finger pointing.  The fingers should be pointing in his direction, and part of him probably knows that but refuses to admit it.  So I would disengage and continue finding joy in the places and with the people you have already established.  Don't give him the power to hurt you.  Take it back. You deserve respect.

Happy New Year  :)

Stilllearning

Hi Eggshell!  Sounds to me like your DS started that guilt trip long before you said anything.  Don't let him talk you into taking the trip with him. He will either figure it out on his own or not.  Keep filling your life with the things and people that make you happy.

Hugs!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Pen

After doing the eggshell walk for years w/stepmom, DIL & DS, I finally decided it was less painful for me if I did what Bamboo suggested - keeping it short, not giving out any info or showing the emotions that could be used to bite me later. Sad not to be able to be myself with people I loved & who I thought loved me, but so be it.

I have dear friends, here at WWU and IRL, who don't require the eggshell walk or the "Dragnet" ("Just the facts, Ma'am") version of me. When I am with them I can be myself, say what I need to say, be loving or emotional or funny or compassionate without being criticized or questioned about my so-called motives. For this I am very grateful!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Eggshells

Ladies - I thank you all for your takes on my situation with my DS (I'm trying to remember the abbreviations!) and agree with each of you.  In hindsight, I think I've been in denial since he married the DIL (a/k/a the Ice Queen).  A few examples:  first red flag was when formal photos of IQ's family and wedding party were taken; none of our family.  I have been invited for weekend visits (but never longer) 2-3 times a year; they have come down here twice since grandson was born - insisted on staying at hotel and were here for 2 days.  Money not an issue for them as he works for airline with free travel, both high income.  Could go on and on but you get the picture........DS clearly tolerates us at best, and my take is the blow up was his convenient excuse for distancing himself even further. 

I have calmed down from the boiling point to low simmer.   Either he contacts me or doesn't, but sadly even if he does I'm not sure I'll ever be comfortable in their company again (hence the Eggshells title). 

Best to you all.......I will be forever grateful for finding this site.


luise.volta

That's what we're here for, E. Ours is a safe family in which to share and heal. Do you feel you are ready to close this thread? If so, I can do that for you. You can open another any time you want to. And of course, you can contribute to others. Hugs!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Eggshells

Luise - yes, I'd appreciate your closing the thread.  Time to move on!