Still Learning, thank you for your reply. I appreciate it VERY much, and I know that your experience gives you a unique perspective. You deserve so much credit for sticking by your sister through that very painful and dangerous time, and it is gratifying to know that it led to a wonderful outcome for her today. I'd like to share more of our story with you to see what you think. My thought process this past spring and summer was exactly as you described. Exactly. DD had told me at that time, after a year of neither me nor DH seeing him, that her BF had changed. He was paying half the rent, working (the umpteenth job), not drinking, and treating her respectfully. So to keep an open door with her and have her be honest about his TRUE behavior (because otherwise she lies about it to get us to accept him), I decided to meet with the two of them at a neutral place. He had told me the many changes he was making to be a stand-up guy for my DD: working (loved that new job, which he says about every new job till he loses it or quits it), paying his share of bills, not drinking (DD had lied and told me he hadn't had a drink in a year, when even HE confessed that it had only been a month, and then beer doesn't count cuz he can drink beer all day with no problem), not reacting with a jealous rage when DD talks to or looks at another guy, not checking her cell phone repeatedly or texting/calling her nonstop when she is away from him, and his plan of studying for his GED, which we had heard many times. He had me convinced that change was possible, even though he had no real incentive to change because my DD has been enabling him all this time. But yet he never apologized for having threatened to get his friends together and beat up my husband while my husband was helping DD move her stuff out of his mother's house, that is, the stuff of hers that he hadn't already broken in his rage that day. I was the one who brought up the topic of that threat, and told him that threat was directed at my whole family and that my DH is my life and it WAS a crime (whether drunk or sober) and if it happened again I would call the cops. He said, "I'm sorry, but all I can say is that wasn't me. I don't normally do those kinds of things." Truth be known, he does. He has been in many a fight, and in one especially serious one that occurred during the time he was first seeing my daughter, both he and DD said he had been randomly attacked and beaten, when in reality (as I found out from a mutual friend) he had been in a drunken brawl with a relative. Still Learning, you made a good point that I really should have made a big deal about him trashing all her breakables during that drunken rage and told him THAT was a crime, too and how a man who REALLY loved and respected my daughter would never do something so violent. (at the time of that rage, neither DH nor I knew the full extent of what had happened, because she decided to move back in with him later that same night after DH had gone over there to pack her stuff in his car. I only found out months later how bad it had been when she and I went shopping for college dorm supplies and she "needed" many breakable items that she confessed, on an as-needed basis, that he had broken them).
Shortly after meeting with him and my daughter this past summer, I had a sickening feeling looking at her spending habits, as she was still paying all the restaurant bills, gas for the car (he doesn't drive, legally, anyway), rent, etc, and I realized his talk was just all talk. When she called me every other month telling me she was breaking up with him for one reason or another, it was clear he was not really trying to change. The one thing that HAD changed is that she was calling me and telling me the truth about his behavior because I hadn't closed the door to him. Ironically I had to keep the door open to get the real scoop on him. But when she called this past fall and told me she had to call the cops on him because he had again gotten drunk and broken her things and who knows what else (the first thing she said to me was that he had not hurt her physically), I felt that I could not in good conscience see him again and show him any respect or fake happiness at seeing him or them together.
It was at that time, this past fall, that I first encountered and wrote in to WWU. I had consulted books on abused women, and some said that the woman needed a supportive person to be a sounding board and to give her strength if and when she was ready to leave. I was on the fence about whether I could really be that person if it meant having to fake respect for this guy who has taken her down to such depths (willingly on her part, of course), when she had so much going for her. But I didn't want to cause an estrangement either. Some women on WWU suggested I might have been enabling and calling it love by agreeing to still see him while he treats her with such disrespect. I felt incapacitated for a while, but the idea of choosing to have some peace in my life after all the pain, worry and sleeplessness my DH and I had endured seemed like a breath of fresh air, and I found that I could look forward to a good future for myself and DH without having the anxiety of their relationship in my face time and again.
Still Learning, last night she caught me off guard when she asked when BF could come over to apologize. My first reaction was anger at her for pushing him in my face yet again, as she has seldom taken no for an answer without a fight when she wants something. Part of me, when she pressed for an answer, wanted to equivocate or say, "When such and such happens, then we will be open", but we had already done that a year ago, saying that when he could keep a job for a year, pay his way, stay off alcohol and treat her respectfully, then we will talk. This 23 year old has had over a dozen jobs and long periods of unemployment in the three years they have been together, drunken brawls leading to unpaid medical bills which he ignored even when we tried to help him understand collections and calling each creditor to make minimum payments arrangements. He has crimes and arrests in his history, and hasn't attended school since 9th grade.
DH and I concluded last night that we unequivocally agree and can express to her that we do not support the relationship, although we support her right to choose whoever she wants. Can people change? Of course. Is BF capable of changing? Who can say? That is DD's job to figure out. Can we make him change? Not a chance. Past history says he doesn't really want to change, not in any meaningful and long-lasting way. He is just looking for any easy way to avoid growing up, and he found the perfect enabler in my daughter. SHE wants him to change and thinks she is capable of changing him. Our daughter is dear and we love her very much. Unfortunately we don't fully trust her. Her past history of lying raises suspicions and doubts about many things. I am thrilled she wants to have us in her life, but at the expense of our self-respect if we are forced to include him just so she is willing to see us? We did that for the first year of their relationship, even when those red flags were flying high (and we didn't have all the hard facts we have today), even when she moved out to live with him and his enabling mother at the beginning of her senior year of high school, which was a devastation I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. She knows without a doubt we are always there for her, but not for him, if that makes sense. She told me she wants us to be proud of him, but he said to her this past fall within my earshot that he doesn't care what WE think of him, only what SHE thinks of him. I'd find it hard to believe that he has changed 180 degrees since then.
What I did say at the end of last night is that he should be concentrating on making her happy. She said what would make her happy is if we accept him again. i suppose I could say that if he is making her happy then we will be happy, and let's just concentrate on our own relationship right now, parents and AD, and she can concentrate on her own relationship with no timeline. We can review it in 6 months, a year, whatever seems reasonable. If we tell her what we expect, we are modeling what she should expect as well. But again she will probably lie or omit about him and make it all seem good.
I am sorry this is so long and rambling. If I may ask, SL, how did your family turn their backs, and what did you do that was different? Did you agree to include her husband in your gatherings? How did you reconcile treating him respectfully knowing what your sister was telling you about him? Did you do medium chill ("Just the facts, ma'am", Dragnet-style....love that, by the way!)? It is good for me to really think this out well. BTW, after that talk last night, DD called this morning about our earlier plan of going shopping today, but we decided against it...too cold outside. Her voice sounded fine; no trace of hurt or alienation. No cold shoulder. That was good. We do love her dearly and want the very best for her.
Topic: Saddened (Read 2827 times)
