July 02, 2020, 10:46:02 am


"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

long story, looking for advise

Started by stilltrying2010, December 18, 2015, 07:30:43 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


December 18, 2015, 07:30:43 pm Last Edit: December 18, 2015, 08:58:06 pm by luise.volta
I'm going to start at the beginning. Many years ago, my grandfather had an affair as his wife was dying of breast cancer. After she passed, my grandfather married the lady and legally recognized her child as their. My dad was 23 @ the time. Shortly after my sister and I were born. His older sister had 3boys older and between us. 2 short yrs later he was tragically killed. Several yrs went by. There are photos of all us cousins (and half aunt) together after the passing. However my mom eventually remarries. They attend her wedding. Mom keeps taking us to see grandparents. I never recall seeing cousins or grandparents interacting with us altho we did go to tbeir home. We live 10 miles apart but all contact ceases. As a kid nothing from any of them, ever. I recall going to oldests hs graduation at age twelve, and the grandpa funeral at 21. Zero contact during all these years. The aunt and half aunt both pass from cancer and some relative notifys my mom. My sister beats breast cancer has genetic testing. 2 red flag genes. Advied by dr to notify cousins to be tested. I reach out to the oldest on FB. He is all like long lost relative. Makes it seem lime we withdrew (obviously we were kids as was he). However all these relatives of his (well. Mine too) chiming in about family, how they havent seen us for 30 yrs.... we never moved lived inthe same small town. My mom has same phone number my whole life. I now dont know what to do. I contaacted them to advise of medical issue, not really thinking beyond. I feel abandoned by the whole family. To me its not like a reunion, I recall no shared memories or past. I told my mom of what is going on gist of things and could tell she was irked. As am I - if its all about family why didnt anyone bother my whole life? I have struggled with this my whole life and dont know what if any future whole be for me and the cousins. Clearly it is not their fault either but i really have nothing to say. Glad they are well but their yalk of reuniting and family are upsetting me. Sorry tmi and so long, if you made it this far thanks.any advise?

Btw my step dad who i call dad and his entire extended family accepted us and treated us no different than the bio grandkids. I call them and visit whenever I go back.


S., my take is to listen to your heart. There seem to be many opinions floating around and  there's probably no right way to handle what's surfacing. You get to choose what you feel will work best for you and you don't have to defend your decision to anyone. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Thank you Ms.Luise! It is very strange experience for me, I think I kinda freaked out a little. Hoping this helps heal that long ago hurt and that the cousins and I can slowly get to know eachother as adults. However, I am going to let the past lay where it is. Perhaps my mom did fail to pursue the relationship but then too did this FOO fail to pursue a relationship with us. Thank you. ?the wise women here, especially the one who created it! Many blessing to you.


ST, remember through this that it wasn't about who you are as a person - it's the circumstances surrounding your GP's actions years ago, but not personally directed at you or your side of the family, even if that's how it felt or still feels. They didn't even know you, and it is definitely their loss!!

IMO, follow your heart & your gut. You are not obligated to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or upset. I've decided to pull away from my DF & SM because I don't feel I belong. My memories as a child cannot be discussed in my SM's presence (she's very jealous & my DF has changed history a bit to make himself look more admirable) so it's as if I don't exist when the step-sibs are going down memory lane. For me this has worked fine. I connect with DF when I feel like it or when he reaches out, politely and respectfully, but I don't engage deeply. Too painful.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb