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How to repair relationship with my DIL

Started by Mistie, August 28, 2009, 07:16:04 PM

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SunnyDays09

Quote from: Mistie on August 30, 2009, 09:26:25 PM
Today was tough.  I went to a concert with friends near where my DIL and son live.  I stayed the night and the next day I dropped off a hand made gift from a wood crafter I met in NC.  I stopped and bought the baby a couple of cute toys while I browsed some stores.
I left a note and put the things on their porch.  They weren't home.  My heart is broken.  I can't help harboring resentment for my son's step mother because next month when I go to a gathering next month, I know it will be shoved in my face by her.  I will NOT play their game. 
I am trying my best to stay POSITIVE.
I really think this is best.  To stay positive.  Your heart is in the right place.  But there is nothing that says you can't let them know every now and then that you wish you could be in their lives.  Stay strong. 
  I am praying for you. 

Mistie

I feel like giving it all up.  I can retire this year and I should just move out of state and be done with this.  I asked to see my grandson for half an hour and was turned down.  My son's step mother gets to see him every weekend.  I have been nothing but nice but this definitely hurts way too much.  I think its just best to leave and not be involved.  I can't do this anymore.

Prissy

Dear Mistie,
I was reading your initial posting where you wore the beige dress to the wedding.  Can you think of anything that was said or done before the dress incident? Or, did that do it?

As Luise has said so many times, this can be "cutting the son from the herd" (really paraphrasing here!!)  I don't know if this is right in your case but it could be.

I know how heartbreaking it is...it's the death without the funeral.  Even more heartbreaking is that the son acquiesces and according to the DILs, doesn't seem to care one way or the other.

The DILs say that it's their husbands in most cases who can't be bothered. My question to myself and other hurting MILs is what the heck happened?  It has to be the dynamic between the MIL and DIL. It ofen can't be explained.

When I had only Luise's other website to post on, there were so many MILs on it with this same situation.  We found such comfort there that Luise's son, son, bless him! built this site for us to speak.  Bless you dear Kirk!!

When you get years into it, maybe the grief will leave and peace will come because acceptance has set in.  That's kind of where I am, although I go between the two with lightening speed!

Do you have other kids, Mistie? I hope so! 

One other thing, precious Just2be said, "your DIL would be this way to ANYONE"  That helped me so much!  When your DIL was flipping through her Blackberry while you were speaking to her, I wonder if she would have done that to anyone?  Could be.  Could be that that is just the way she is.

I have learned that most things are about them, not us.  That is a hard pill to swallow since it's our job to make her happy enough to let us into their lives.  If she's not happy, we can't be apart of their lives.

Let us know..... ♥  (Happydays' trademark heart!)





AnnieB

September 05, 2009, 07:49:36 AM #18 Last Edit: September 05, 2009, 08:26:34 AM by AnnieB
It certainly is impossible NOT to take this stuff with our DIL's personally.

From all you write, Mistie, it sounds like this has nothing to do with you, it's your DIL's problems.

The good news is, you don't have to do this anymore, but you don't have to move out of state to do that.  You don't have to disown your DIL, you don't have to accept the behavior.  You just have to, for a time anyway, start focusing on your self and let them go for awhile.

You could start by giving yourself a break from contacting them, without telling them you are - you could set a time -- a month, 6 months, a year (or month to month).  And in that time, you could just focus on your self.    (You could still send bday cards and gifts for your gchild - you could set your own 'rules' of contact).   

There's nothing you can do to change your DIL, you can only wear your self thin trying to.

You can spend time thinking about what you want to do to make the other parts of your life as wonderful as possible.   (In my case, I'm working on making sure I have "other parts of my life", lol - as my youngest graduates from hs in 2010, my 42 years as a mom will offically end ...omg)

IMHO the more we focus on the negatives of our situations here (what our DIL did, what our son didn't do, what others should do,  why they did what they did, what you or I coulda, shoulda woulda done etc.), the more we are picking at a wound and not letting it heal.

It is a wound and it hurts -- as Prissy has pointed out, it is like a death -- it's the death of how the relationship was.  We need to mourn that without wearing black in our hearts forever. 

The healthier and happier I make myself, the better I am able to deal with all of this.  My own self work means I need to let them all be and get on with my life, not in revenge, or punishment to myself or to them.

If I change my look at this away from something horrible and personal being done to me by someone or the fates or God (and therefore I somehow deserve it or don't and have to war against it)  to one of the many bad things that happen in people's lives for no personal reason, I find I react to it very differently.

There has always been something positive I've learned, a way my life has turned, due even to the bad things that have happened in my life, if I don't use them as weapons against others or myself.

So, in this situation, I might ask where I am being guided or directed to spend or make use of my time, my energy, where can I give my grandmotherly affection.

That's just what I think -- not so easy to practice it, but I hold onto it-- feels much better to me than my negative helpless self-deprecating feelings!

Prissy

AnnieB,
I know we come into these new relationships already broken, many times.  That's the case with me, not with everyone but with me.

It becomes impossible not to be heartbroken when we're slighted.  I guess our job is to get over it?  Years and years of patching the heart.  It's harder than anyone could ever imagine.


AnnieB

Quote from: Prissy on September 05, 2009, 08:06:18 AM
I guess our job is to get over it?

I don't think to 'get over it' -- that sounds like we need to 'grow up' or 'get a thick skin'.

There is a learning and loving process going on in life.  I am not at explaining it, but there are many good teachers from many paths -- Luise is one!   

luise.volta

What kind words.  :)

Well, maybe it is individualized. Some may get over it...some may get through it...some may transcend it... and some may get stuck in it...to name a few.

I think I learned to accept it...(my son's death and my DILs subsequent attacks.) I don't think I will ever get over it in the true sense or even understand it but I have incorporated it into my life-experience. It's part of the tapestry I am weaving.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Sassy

QuoteLately my son and I have been talking alot, not just about this but about a lot of things.  I hate to think of how hurt he must be too.  I value my relationship with my son and don't want to do anything to jeopardize that.

Mistie:  So sorry for the troubles you are having with your son and DIL.  Also sorry for your heartbreak!

Its good you are staying in touch with your son.  Be sure to talk to him about other things and not his wife.  You don't want to make him feel disloyal to her, when he is talking to you.  And you don't want tomake him feel guilty about the ways he has let you down.  Because that will cause more avoidance problems in the end.

Don't worry at all how your son is treating your ex-husband and his new wife, because that is not about you and him.  If you go to a gathering and she is there just hold your head up.  Try to see it as it really is, them having their own separate relationship.  It might be hard not to compare at first.  But there is no comparison, you are all different people. 

It is like people who make more money, or people who are thinner - there is always someone who we can compare ourselves to if we want to make ourselves feel bad about ourselves.  So we learn not to compare.

Although sometimes the less history a person has with someone, the easier it can be, to be around them.  Your son may not feel worry if his step-mother cries, but I think it causes him pain and anxiety when his mother cries.  That is just how it is when someone's your mother.  It could be simpler for him when its not his mother.

Do be careful about dropping things off, so your son and DIL do not feel like it was an unnanounced visit. You meant it as a loving gesture I know.  But even nice surprises can carry a risk when someone is on the fence.

Your grandson is two months old and you've seen him twice.  Once a month is not a lost cause at all.  I think your relationship has hope.  I am so sorry your son and DIL hurt your feelings when they do not offer you food and drink when you do visits.  It is not nice to imagine your son eating a sandwich and not offering you some.  I understand your discomfort.

I do hope you can stay close to your son.  I hope you can talk about good things with him, so that each experience you share together becomes more positive.  The more positive experiences and conversations you have and build on, the more likely he is to keep coming back for more.

SunnyDays09

 Any new developments Mistie?  Just wondering.  Hope you are doing well.