March 28, 2024, 05:28:56 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


I am new. Glad I found you

Started by QuietSong, October 28, 2015, 01:06:00 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

QuietSong

 :)  Thanks Luise.  You said it with good clarity.  That is exactly what I needed.  I realized this somewhat already.  The way I thought of it was, I was once 33 years old.......like ES.  I was living my married life with two young sons.  My issues back then were very different than today and very different than any my on may have.  I lost the nice parent (my dad) when I was 15.  Not having gotten any help with that I have struggled my whole life to achieve peace.  My mom was cold and unaffectionate, where I was always the lovey huggy type and I needed lots of hugs.
Anyway.......I won't analyze myself anymore.  I try to keep it simple.  I try to remember to live just one day at a time.  I am learning that my ES probably doesn't think of himself as estranged.  He is just living his life the way he sees fit.  If he thinks of his mom.........I wouldn't begin to try and guess what he thinks of her.  I don't know.  He only calls when he has something to say and so far this year that has only been twice.  I don't call him because it doesn't feel right and besides.........he puts me on speaker phone (without telling me) I guess so his wife can hear me.  I don't know why.........and I don't ask.  I also won't call because of that.  Plus now they have the new baby.  I have no idea if or when I will ever see my new GD.  But I joined your group because he had said my handicapped brother could not come into their house after the baby is born.  Well sorry.  It is only me and my two brothers now.  And we three stick together.  If one of us is unwelcome.  Then all three of us aren't going.  I don't hurt over the new GC.  My ES knows I can't afford a trip plus hotel.  His in-laws stayed at his house.  But his mom can't?  I am over it today.  I don't care anymore.  I'm having a good, strong day today.  I'm not going anywhere I'm not wanted.  If my son wanted me there he would say so and he would offer to help.  (he can get a discount on hotels for me)  There was no offer.  There was no "I want you here" or "I want my mom to meet my daughter"  or my daughter to meet my mom.
Enough.  Today I can say I'm done.  One day at a time.  Tomorrow I may be back here crying again.

luise.volta

What I decided with my grandsons, is that I didn't want to have them observe my accepting abuse. Kids take in more than we realize. And abuse isn't acceptable. More good days than hard ones will come your way. You're healing!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

QuietSong

That's a good way to look at it Luise.  This new baby may never get to know this grandma.  But I do like that I can choose whether she sees me being abandoned or abused.  Course I am aware that at any time she may be told anything or nothing about me.  I have no control over her parents.  Eventually one day she will have her own grown up life and will make her choices too.  Don't know if I'll be around.  Doesn't matter.  I have complete faith and belief in "what goes around, comes around".  Why?  Because I have reaped what I've sowed too.  In short.  I stayed away from my mom because I thought she didn't want me around.  I didn't........not call her.  I still loved her in spite of her meanness. We still visited her.  But.........it did come around anyway.  Now I have a son who rarely calls.  Today I can say oh well.  Tomorrow I may be crying.  I truly do wish him well and hope his AC treat him better than he is doing to his mother.
Thanks Luise

luise.volta

My ES wouldn't let me near his first born because 'I had bad vibes.' (?) Now, that grandson, who is hugely successful, interacts with me lovingly and calls me 'Gramma-lu!' Yes, have faith. I am 88 and my grandson thinks I'm great!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

QuietSong

Dear Luise,
Now that got the tears of joy flowing.  Thank you so much for the hope.  I have two (twins) granddaughters by the other son.  They don't live in this state but are crazy about this grandma  ;D
Hopefully...........like you............this new one.........will meet this grandma and be crazy about her.  I can't dwell on the hope though.  Not right now.  I feel the need to stay strong.  Stay what feels like detached.
Thanks Luise.  I will will story that little light of hope safely in a locked file cabinet in my heart. :-*

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Luise, your thoughts about GC witnessing our poor treatment got to me. You've probably said it before, but since GC weren't in the picture for me I probably forgot.

GC still aren't imminent, but DS did mention recently that "things are going to get even worse (in the equal time department) when we have kids" which put me into a brief on again/off again tailspin. Now I'm ready to listen! Thank you for that insight, it changes everything!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

I think many of us were brought up that to accept and tolerate was a virtue. I sure was. There are all kinds of abuse. If that's the only option I am given for being a role model...I'm done! Like you, Pen, I have people who love and respect me...that I love and respect. I've made them the magnets in my life. (And, by the way, you're one of them!)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Bamboo2

Awwww...Luise, this loving forum just warms my heart :D