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Please help DIL is extremely jealous

Started by mwalker, October 20, 2015, 10:01:18 pm

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Hello Everyone! So thankful for this forum since i need insight and help to try to understand our family situation.  So, here goes: I had an accident Thursday, fell on wet floor dislocating (shattering) my finger. DH took me to ER which is about 45 miles away and about 20 minutes from where my DS lives. Son happened to call right after i fell and of course i was home alone and asked him to cal his dad to come home. My finger was bent at awkward angles so i knew it was bad. I told DH to tell my son not to come to ER after we arrived  because I didn't want to cause any problems knowing how DIL is. Anyway, DS came to ER and stayed 45-60 minutes while the dr tried to put my finger back in place. She texted him and said he didn't need to be there since DH was with me. DiL was at work anyway and GD at daycare. Poor son was in trouble when he got home. This is only one of many incidents we have had to deal with. Would you be hurt if your son couldnt check on you at the hospital?


Welcome, N. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to make sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

My take is that the situation is between your son and DIL and has nothing to do with you. Being hurt is involvement that is not called for. They probably have work to do on their relationship like most of us did early on. You told DS not to come, that DH had it covered. You are out of it from that point on. That's my point of view. Focusing elsewhere while they are working things out on their own (or not) is where you may find the most comfort. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


MWalker, I totally agree with Luise ... she is right.

Also, adding that it would extremely beneficial to remind yourself -- as often as necessary -- that this is not about you. It's about something much deeper -- DIL has some character traits to work on, such as insecurity, jealousy, IMO.

It's good to hear that your DS came anyway, instead of catering to her whims.
And yes, for your peace of mind, focus elsewhere instead of on them.
It's hard, but possible.
Because if you dwell on these injustices, you'll fall into misery.

Hopefully, one day DIL will come to her senses.

If not, you'll still be at peace with how you handled the situation: with love, kindness and refusal to get drawn into dysfunction.


Welcome, M! I think that it was really sweet that your son cared so much about you, even knowing it would upset his wife.  Like the others, I think this is for your son and DIL to work out.  He will learn the most if you stay out of it.  This is his path to travel with the woman he chose to be with, and he has some learning to do, or not.  It is his choice to deal with her in whatever way he chooses, and there is nothing you can do that won't make it worse or create stress for yourself.  Let it go.  It hurts so much to see our adult kids suffer, but they have made their choices and have to deal with the consequences.  Like Luise just told me in a recent post, turn away from worry about DS and turn toward yourself and DH and your peaceful life.  You and your husband did the hard work to learn how to communicate and compromise in your relationship, and now it is your son's turn.  You can comfort yourself in knowing that you have modeled a strong, healthy relationship. 


Welcome to the site, M. I'm glad you found us.

As you've probably already read in many past posts, a lot of us have been dealing with similar situations with our DILs/DSs, for one reason or another. In most cases it makes no sense, but that doesn't seem to matter - our DSs make their own choices and have to deal with the fallout.

I'm encouraged by the fact that your DS threw caution to the wind and came to see you! He and his wife will just have to work it out. Be the calm in his storm - let DIL be the stressor if she must, but you will be seen as quietly supportive and loving. He'll notice :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Hi MWalker,

I don't want to be on the other side of the fence but I see things a bit different.
If your condition was serious then your son should have gone to the hospital. But it was a broken finger, and your husband was taking care of it with you. It makes me question whether or not he(son) jumps to his parents for every little thing, and if that is the case it would get very tiresome for the wife. I think the son and parents need to realize that he is now a man with his own family and that is where he needs to be, so cut the cord. Save the running for when you really need it, down the road when you and DH cannot do things without help. I could be totally wrong, but with only the little info, that would be my take on it.


Thank you, ladies, for all the kind, sincere replies.  I've had surgery on my finger, and it is healing.  I did not tell DS about the procedure until after it was over. 

Wishing everyone peace and happiness.


That sounds like you may feel complete with this thread, M. Is it OK to close it?

All other doors remain open, of course!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama