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Controlling MIL

Started by starfire, October 11, 2015, 06:08:36 PM

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S - I think I would pass on speaking to my MIL for my husband. It is their relationship and they have the complexities of Adult to Adult to establish. I think you are right to see him as needing support. Giving it directly to him and wishing him well with him mother sounds wise, to me.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Green Thumb

Sometimes doing nothing is best and I agree with Luise's post, your husband has to deal with his parent on his own terms and accept them for how they are. It sounds like a lot of stress in being held hostage to wishing for how things should be rather than how things truly are. You can support your husband by acknowledging his hurt and mistreatment and how this is reality and won't change --  so you two can move forward and focus on your own lives. Focus on the nice people who treat you well and creating a happy family.



Thank you again everyone for your advice. A little update: I recently started working a new part time job where I work every weekend but I tend to be done by 12 or 1. So on mother's day I called my MIL also wishing her a happy mother's day, and I thought we had a pleasant talk. It was a difficult day for me since my grandmother was in the hospital and my mom was there and they didn't want me to come in case I could catch it, which I told my MIL on the phone. She asked me when her son would call and I told her he would probably after lunch.

Well when talking to my husband, I found out she didn't listen to what I said I guess since he mentioned my grandmother also and she asked what was up so he explained what was up. Then she said how she wants to come up and see him and my son some time. He said that may be difficult right now unless she wants to come after I'm done working. She said no she'll just come when I'm not there. This sorta hurt me, one because I felt like she didn't listen to what I said or care to see me. My husband said okay not really feeling good about it either because he has a hard time telling his mom we do things with our son differently then she did with her boys. Part of the reason for a lot of this is because my son's allergics, we don't go to certain restaurants if he can't eat there, we always wash our hands and wipe our face if we had something with either egg or nuts in, etc. We also don't let him on a dirt bike yet, which she and her husband got him. I'm worried the main reason she wants to come up is to get him to ride the dirt bike, since her other grandson was riding by now. This especially scares me because he hasn't even rode a bike yet, and I don't want him riding something that needs gas before having a bike with training wheels on. My husband agrees with this but he doesn't think he can tell his mom this since she pretty much helped raise her other grandson and he thinks she take it as a personal attack. She knows I'm against it and she thinks I'm to safety cautious due to this and my son's allergics. She also hopes he starts skating soon, since all her boys were by now and hockey a big part of there family. They all played. I don't mind him learning to skate, I just hope he is not pressured into a sport if he doesn't like it. Since my nephew wanted to try another sport also one year and they told him he had to pick between hockey or the other sport. In the end he ended up picking hockey because grandpa said he'd coach hockey if he played again.


Green Thumb

Ah... Starfire, sounds like the never ending battle with a controlling MIL and a husband who has trouble setting and sticking to boundaries with her. Do you want to be "the bad guy" all the time by being the one who says no? Or do you want your husband to be strong enough to say no to his mom? That is your first decision and you have to think this over so you can have clarity.

What I think reading your post is that if you felt strong in your boundaries, you would not have this anxiety and worry. I know this because I am a lot like you, worry the same, anxious the same. So you either have to have confidence in your husband or you have to have more confidence in your own rules and regulations and that in your world, your rules stick. Doesn't matter what MIL suggests on the phone, its a broken record of NO or maybe someday when he's five or six or seven.

If your worry is because your husband is weak and spineless with his Mother, then that is a different story. This is who you married and how he is.

My BIL came over to bother us the day after we moved into our new home. He lives high off the hog way above his means. Our house is cute and modest. He walked around telling me what HE would change. I didn't take offense, I just kept saying something like "Oh, huh, nope we aren't doing that, I like the plants, I like the appliances, I like the fence, I like the stucco, I like the roofing material, I like having one water heater and don't need two or a tankless, I like the paint color, I like the electric cooktop, I am not having the gas company out to run a gas line, I like the light fixture (which we just picked out and had replaced that he said we should replace - LOL). Was truly offensive, but he thought he was being so helpful in "giving me advice." He even offered to give me his designer's scheme of paint colors so we could paint it the same as his house!!! LOL again! I had boxes and boxes to unpack and he didn't want to help, he just wanted to give his opinion. Years ago, I would have made this an big, highly offended argument, but now I can let it go and later laugh about it, and laugh all weekend we did! ;D