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My child is struggling with life and family

Started by pstemple, June 16, 2010, 06:17:08 AM

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pstemple

I have never considered writing in such a format, but my husband is tried of listening to me and I still need an outlet. My college age son is a mess. He lies, often is disrespectful and is unable to maintain a positive relationship with us. He often has a huge plan, tells stories to back up the plan, and then when it falls through, lies or "drops" off the face of the earth leaving us confused and hurt. How do I let go and let this work itself out. I keep texting him demanding he call and fess up, and of course, he ignores me.  I then  go off the deep end - scared he is maimed or dead.

cremebrulee

Quote from: pstemple on June 16, 2010, 06:17:08 AM
I have never considered writing in such a format, but my husband is tried of listening to me and I still need an outlet. My college age son is a mess. He lies, often is disrespectful and is unable to maintain a positive relationship with us. He often has a huge plan, tells stories to back up the plan, and then when it falls through, lies or "drops" off the face of the earth leaving us confused and hurt. How do I let go and let this work itself out. I keep texting him demanding he call and fess up, and of course, he ignores me.  I then  go off the deep end - scared he is maimed or dead.

I'm sorry your going thru this heartbreak....however, believe me, there  is light at the end of the tunnel...the only way I know how to describe this is, like a lot of us women, we obses when we loose control....our minds take us to horrible places and we go completely bonkers when we are unable to control a situation....however, you must realize, this is completely out of your hands.  I know you love your son, but you must somehow get your own mental health to another place.  You've already suggested that your husband is tired of hearing it....each of us, has our own limit....we can take so much and then we must let it go, if we don't we not only put ourselves thru painful despair, but also it effects everone around us. 

I would suggest going to conseling as soon as possible...you must learn to recondition yourself, and it is a very slow process, and before you can even begin, you must self examine, which is difficult to do....difficult to admit to ourselves we're making mistakes....meaning, your driving your self and hubby crazy. 

I know we mother's love our sons with our heart and souls...however, there is a time, in everyone's child's life, where we must let them go.  They say, our problems just begin when Our children leave our homes, and it's true....some of them become very responsible adults and others not so good...however, you must allow them they're lives...and disconnect as much as possible....especially when his actions effect your life....I know it is very difficult, but for your own sanity and your marriage you must. 

Consentrate on hubby...stop obsessing this situation and allow it to play out, and consentrate your attention on your husband.  Start cooking his favorite meals and do little things for him...make some small plans for special "me" time with him, without mention of any problems.

I have this one girlfriend, that I've known since 7th grade...she obsesses on negativeity and drove her husbands away.  I've tried to tell her, that men cannot take that kind of stress, they don't want to come home from a hard day at work, all tired...and meet her at the door complaining about the terrible day she had.  I suggested she try very hard to make his life at home a sanctuary, a place he can come home to, for peace and quiet.  I used to work with men and that was they're biggest complaint...they hated opening that front door, being afraid to go home, b/c they didn't know what was going to meet them at the door today and the day after that....and that is the main reasons men run around...not all, but some, and I'm not suggesting that yours will, however, they can only take so much obessing and negativity.  It really tears them up...and upset they're entire chemistry in they're bodies...they become depressed and look for an outlet...

My girlfriend never learned this...she has a way of talking to you, but never listening....I love her to death, and please excuse my french, but all she wants to do is butch...she isn't looking for answers to make the problem go away....she is so negative all she wants to do is gain attention for herself in that manner.  And she is in need of a huge amount of attention. 

So, my point is, you must come to terms with yourself....search your soul and don't fear faceing your own demons...if your the kind of woman I've described, in order to make change is to admit it, embrace it and change it....you must change your attitude in order to let go, and you cannot keep texting your son...that is harrassment, and your never going to get him to return your calls until he is ready...not cause your ready.  He knows all he's going to get is nagging and told he was wrong....would you call if you knew someone was going to tell you how wrong you were and that you've hurt them? 

Let him go, let him make his own choices...he's going to do it anyone and there isn't anything you can do about it....he is an adult and you've got to turn around and get to know the you of you....your life is no longer your son....and what he does with his life from now on is really none of your business.....cold as it may seem, it is the absolute truth...or the way he views it....

Of course we care, we love and want to protect our children and even change them if we can...but no one changes unless they want to change...the only thing you can do right now, is change yourself, so that your marriage doesn't continue to suffer from this....

Have I made any sense at all? 

I sure hope, you find a way to succeed....in the meantime, you've got this forum to come into and vent away, instead of unloading on your husband and son....

Hugs and love
Creme

Ree

...what a bitter pill to swallow.  But, by golly swallow the pill "Creme" just gave you!  I'm in a simuliar situation with my son, but I don't have anyone to show love to.  It hurts.  (...wish I had a husband.  I'd make a great wife.) Prayer heals too, so I'm recommending that you try that as well.  Do what you can do and leave the rest to God.

luise.volta

And keep posting here because sharing and caring are good medicine. You'd be surprise...you will be able to help others, too. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

So sorry for your troubles and pain.  Please keep posting here.  We are always here to listen and hopefully if you vent to us, you will begin healing.  My first advice, although very hard to do as a Mom, is to stop texting him.  If he is not answering, you can't make him and are only setting yourself up to hurt every time he doesn't answer.  Find a hobby or something you enjoy and do something for yourself.  You deserve it.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell