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Heading toward estrangement?

Started by Bamboo2, September 21, 2015, 06:34:28 PM

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Bamboo2

Hi QuietSong,
Thanks for your post. It must be so hard when you had those years with your son as friends.  My daughter was just 17 when she met her BF, and believe me that the red flags were flying.  Even she saw them and turned away several times.  But desperation got the better of her.  She couldn't handle being abandoned again and took the guy who would never leave her.  She turned away from us, and it was almost inevitable that she would move out of our house shortly after she met him.  So we have missed out on this close adult-to-adult relationship like you had with your son.  I get why you have been hurting. Six years is a long time out of your life.  Now in some ways it is better not to hear from them so much as it doesn't perpetuate the pain, don't you think?  We can just focus on the people who are still part of our lives and the things that make us feel useful and happy.

I just learned a new phrase...catfished.  I learn something new every day.  You know the saying...fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Our AC have both been fooled but now their eyes are open.  Hopefully they are learning.  ::)

QuietSong

Yes Bamboo...........I too hope they are learning.  I started a new thread because I learned something new recently.  That although my DIL sends lots of cards and gifts to her FOO...........she does not do this (nor does my son) for my ES's FOO. 
I still have times where I can't believe things are they way they are.  My son was 27 years old when he met his wife.  I never ever thought he would drop 98% of his communication with me.
The first couple of years after he moved out.......were fine.  He was here in 2009 just before he left for the Army.  He never came back and ALL of his personal belongings are still here.  Yes the Army changed him a little........but before he met his wife on FB......he and I still talked approx. once a week.  Sometimes he was off for special training........but he would email me when he could.
It just never never crossed my mind that things would be this way.  It's hard to believe...........but I think he already had the ability to drop his mom before he met her.   Ya know.......maybe he was just kind of tired of the relationship........or maybe he thought now that he had a love interest he could drop mom a whole lot and he would be whatever he pictures a man to be.
:-X
Hard telling.  I'll probably never know what went thru his mind.  Doesn't matter.  I have decisions to make for myself.  ES has a new baby.  She is part of this decision I am making for myself.  I haven't decided whether I will send her gifts or not.  Once I stop all contact with them.......they may decide to give the baby's gifts away or just throw them away.  That is a waste of money.
So I haven't finished working all the details out in my head.

Green Thumb

QuietSong, About sending gifts, well what I have found most helpful for me is to do what keeps me less attached to the AC and the pain. For example, if sending a gift makes me think about them receiving it, opening it, liking or disliking it, whether or not I get a text, call or thank you note. Mostly not sending gifts helps me detach and have less to think about or worry about regarding the estranged AC. Not sending gifts keeps me focused on myself and sending gifts makes me think about them. Other times I may send something small, one AC gets a magazine subscription every year (that she likes). The daughter that was so nasty at her wedding last month will not get a Christmas or birthday gift this year. Nor any contact from me. I just can't do it any longer, the time spent thinking of a nice gift, the HOPE that they like it, the dashed hope, sorrow and ostracized feeling when you get nothing in return. I am just tired of focusing on them and their alienation and being sad.

QuietSong

Thank you Green Thumb.
What you said makes sense.  I am tired of hurting too.  i may write more later.

Bamboo2

Here is an update: After that last talk I had with her in October, we didn't hear much from our daughter except an occasional call with questions related to moving back to our area and getting a job.  But she was busy behind the scenes trying to get an apartment and jobs for her and her BF, as well as moving everything, dealing with utility company issues, many adult tasks. So she called us and came over after accomplishing all of those things, just a couple of weeks ago.  She came over to visit, bake cookies, eat and chat four times in the past 10 days.  We even went to see her apartment briefly, which she so wanted us to do, and made a point of telling us beforehand that her BF wouldn't be there.  She has been nothing but considerate with us.  She even offered to get her own health insurance since it is offered with her new job.  Wow!  DH joked that she might live too close now, lol.  I don't have any expectations that things will stay this way, but it is a nice change for now.    :)

Green Thumb

This is great, Bamboo2! There is something empowering about solving our life problems like she is doing on her own for herself. Happy New Year to you!

Pen

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

The same thing is true at the end of life. I was so tickled with myself that I put up my outside Christmas lights! Under a window and on a small faux tree, no climbing, of course!
And I set up all of my inside decorations, too. I'm still a demon with an extension cord!  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Good for you, Luise! In lieu of a bevy of hunky young handymen to do your bidding, you are taking care of things  ;D

"Yes we can!" As long as we have an extension cord, lol..and maybe duct tape.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

P., my son, Kirk qualifies, but I love to surprise him! I actually receive a lot of care giving. My pacemaker saved my life but didn't return me to my former activity level. My meals are prepared for me, Kirk comes up to mop my floors, vacuum and scrub my tub, my neighbor drives me to doctor appointments. A friend does my laundry...am I lucky, or what?!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama