Author Topic: too much money, too little respect  (Read 2160 times)

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Offline streamer

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too much money, too little respect
« on: September 11, 2015, 08:07:02 AM »
My adult children hate us. My youngest daughter talked me into fronting the money for a large investment of her and her husband. After all the papers were signed and her monthly payments started, she found I was charging her a low interest rate. She did not feel it was fare to charge her for the use of our extensive loan to purchase properties. We have title to the properties however we only received the rent/repayment to cover the interest and a small portion of the notes. She said she hates us, that we had no right and dumped the properties in our laps. She says we are dead to her. It has been 4 years. We eventually sold the homes at a great loss to our retirement. This is not the first time she has cut us off, but by far the longest.
My oldest daughter got mad at me over something stupid and she said if I do not do what she wants she is not going to talk to me just like her younger sister. 
My son is busy w his wife and work and we do not hear from him. Our anniversary passed, Fathers Day, Mothers Day, Christmas and so on.
At first I continued to send gifts and cards but after 3 years and no response or even a thank you, I quit.
We were not invited to my oldest granddaughters graduations. I send to the grand kids but only get a response from the older grandsons.   
We have been there for all of them through their issues, illnesses, accidents, money issues, etc. Do we really deserve to be treated this way. We have moved ahead and made another life for us, however, the pain of loss is still there for me. I can not get past this loss...

Offline luise.volta

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Re: too much money, too little respect
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2015, 10:53:14 AM »
Welcome, S. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

What I would like to share is that I spent a long time stuck in my expectations. They were minimal and based on mutual respect. I simply didn't get that they were my expectation, not those of my son and daughter in law. Their choices never made sense to me...that's the truth. I finally realized that my daily pain was hurting me as much or more than their thoughtlessness. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline streamer

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Re: too much money, too little respect
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2015, 11:11:37 AM »
I did read the preview posts.
I apparently posted in the wrong blog, it should be in daughters and sons..not daughter in laws and son in laws. Please move my post to the correct location if possible or remove it.
So sorry. My mind was elsewhere.

Offline Pen

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Re: too much money, too little respect
« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2015, 03:56:50 PM »
Welcome, S. I can't remember how to move your post, so Luise will have to do it or refresh my memory, lol. It's not a problem, but I understand you might want it in the appropriate category :)

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Glad you found us!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pooh

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Re: too much money, too little respect
« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2015, 06:21:26 AM »
I moved it for you.  Welcome but sorry you had to find us.

It's sad when we find out that our AC are only interested in "what" we can do for them and when we stop, now we are the bad guys.  Like Luise said though, that is on them, not you.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline streamer

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Re: too much money, too little respect
« Reply #5 on: September 25, 2015, 09:19:59 AM »
The loss of my any time and communication with my adult daughters and son has been agonizing. It has been four years and I thought I was getting better after such a long time. However, not so, as it is th first thing I think about when I wake up and many times during the day....I just can't seem to get past it...
A friend said I am grieving...maybe so...

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: too much money, too little respect
« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2015, 10:42:42 AM »
Hi Streamer, I'm new here and far from the wisest one, but I have experienced this mourning you're speaking of...probably most everyone here has.  It is the loss of the relationship as you knew it, and the dreams of how you hoped it would be.  I think the feelings wax and wane. A good therapist can help; have you seen anyone?

I second the suggestion to let go of expectations that will continue to hurt you.  Of course you do not deserve the treatment you have been given.  You deserve better, and the challenge now is to create your future with people who will give you better.  At present it is not your AC.  I have had to come to this realization, too.  I've found a couple of young adults close in age to my daughter who want my mentoring and enjoy having a reciprocal relationship with me.

I also found that I was making my daughter's story into my story, thereby reliving past hurts and the drama of her life.  My goal now is to move on and create my own story apart from hers.  Hope this helps.  Warm thoughts to you  :) 

Offline Pooh

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Re: too much money, too little respect
« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2015, 10:55:17 AM »
^^^Love this Bamboo2
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: too much money, too little respect
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2015, 11:48:26 AM »
Yes...I second Pooh! Wise indeed and inspiring...as well as doable! Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline PoppyMillie

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Re: too much money, too little respect
« Reply #9 on: November 29, 2015, 04:05:28 AM »
I come from an Italian family. We would never dream of charging interest to our family. Because it is making a profit from your own family. Sometimes the older generation will lend money to the younger generation for a property or starting a new business. However, it is implied that the younger generation will support the older in their retirement. ( I.e. With income, a place to live, and home support if required). In our family it's all about give and take. With everyone focusing on giving to each other. ( time, and money)

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: too much money, too little respect
« Reply #10 on: November 29, 2015, 04:38:21 AM »
Funny Poppie, I would never dream of borrowing money from my parents without paying interest!  The one time I did borrow from them I paid them back with interest but for Christmas they gifted me the interest back :).  If my parents had kept the money in the bank they would have earned interest  during the period of the loan so I thought it was only right that they get that interest from me.  Still when they got older I gladly helped in any way possible.  Dad even lived with me for a short while but we both got on each others nerves too much for it to last long term.  They were wonderful and every day I miss them.
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline luise.volta

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Re: too much money, too little respect
« Reply #11 on: November 29, 2015, 09:27:16 AM »
We are all so different (thank heaven!) I charged my sons interest and told them both that if they didn't honor our spoken contract, it would be the last loan. I also made it clear that we could renegotiate but the interest and principle had to be be paid off before another one could be initiated. When my grandson's got to early adulthood...my son did the same thing and thanked me for respecting him. Now they have chosen to to the same thing with my grown great  granddaughter. I have never had any thought of getting it back in my old age. I am continuing to teach them financial responsibility. I don't have anything and live in low income housing here on our campus but/and I'm solvent!  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: too much money, too little respect
« Reply #12 on: November 30, 2015, 12:37:36 PM »
The main take away I am getting here is the direct communication is vital. Making sure everything is laid out on the table and both parties agree or understand. No wishing or wanting or expecting and not making it known to the other party. We can't read minds! How do we know unless we are told! And to make sure you are loaning or helping to someone who is going to do the right thing. Loan or give to someone selfish or self centered if you want, just don't expect to get it all back. So often as parents we give cause it makes us feel good but sometimes we need to step back and see if the loan or the gift is really going to help the other person. We have to let go of our need to be needed or to feel good about the giving sometimes.