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My Adult son blames me for everything. ..

Started by justamom, May 17, 2015, 02:56:53 pm

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Goin to try and make a very long story short and over...I need some opinions , help, I don't know...
I've been married forever , to a us career Navy first real true love and he'll forever be my last...back in 2004 he was deployed everything that could go wrong did and he was not very supportive. emails, no letters, not even a card...and I know all was well bc others were receiving such ....then I get a message telling me he's not sexually attracted to me bc I was fat...I had my limit and was done , went and spoke to a lawyer...was going to file for a the process I allowed a man with whom I'd been friends for many years to get to close..after two large arguments with my spouse I ran to the friend for a shoulder to cry on,  we ended up having sex ...  after our second encounter it was over, I wanted a friend not another complicated relationship. .. not to mention my husband started acting different around why not give it a try, we still had kids at home at the time and for them I would make the marriage work..not to mention I really do love him even though he can be an insensitive idiot at times....but anyway it was all my fault I let him in my life...I have taken that responsibility.   Well could have sworn I told my husband shortly after he denies knowing ...until another huge blowup in 2010 when I told him...well of course he called his mom, his brother. I figured I best tell our kids before they hear it from anyone else..the older three had graduated HS already the youngest I wasn't worried about telling as she was to young...that was in '10  now all three of the eldest have issues with me bc of "everything I've done to their father"  I have no desire to dirty his name he's told me tell em...I don't feel any of its their business. I just let it go...but this with my son ....
He informed me that he blames me for all his failed relationships since 11Th grade bc that's when I told him.  His wife now has allegedly cheated on him and is expecting I've encouraged him to not cut all ties and keep the line of communication open while everyone else has been on the negative.'s my fault she did what she did...where does it stop?  He leaves for the base again tomorrow but has told his dad I blew him off when he asked to talk about the affair....I didn't talked for awhile bout it...but to him I blew him off... he doesn't say love you any more something he did 5 days ago...but he does however run to an ex friend that is known in the past to start lies and crap and cause trouble...but he doesn't believe any of that...that's were he was the first 24 hrs he was home and we're he'll be tonight. ..  I just don't know what I'm supposed to do...I'm still married to his father, yes I had a brief but still affair, yet it is all on me I've taken that blame....paid for my crime.....
my husband says he's forgiven me...


My children are the same.  For some reason a toxic father is able to undo all the good of years.  I am still struggling to understand why adult children are doing this.  I think maybe the 1980s "greed is good" era is what influenced them.  Everyone because very self centred and this is the result.  I cry a lot and feel kicked to the curb.  Maybe someday they will feel sorry, but I doubt it.  Feeling bad and making amends is not something they have ever done.  I can't seem them learning how to do it now.  If they came back and said "sorry" it would be because they wanted money or something.  I don't think I could ever trust them again, so I am learning to see myself as a person who never had children.  It's the only way to cope with the loss of so many dreams when my son and daughter were born.  I loved them very much. 

I hope your story ends differently, but looking at the number of similar stories on the site, it doesn't look likely.  You don't deserve this, you didn't cause this.  The new bullying is adult kids bullying their parents.  I really wish I had never chosen to have children.  That is my biggest regret.


I'm not sure why this happens, but I have a feeling there have been instances throughout history (biblical, Shakespearean, etc.) It does seem to be more prevalent, but that could be because we're not hiding it anymore - how shameful it would have been to admit this was happening back in the day.

I'm so sorry you're going through this :(  I'm glad you found this site.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Well, this is truly something between you and your husband.  If he has forgiven you, then that is the foundation.  Your Son is still young and I'm sure his wife cheating on him, has made him very emotional right now and he's looking for someone to blame for his problems.  Instead of placing the blame on her, sounds like you are the scapegoat right now.  All you can do is assure you that you love him and give him some space to see if he comes around.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Your post touched me; my AS tried to ruin my Thanksgiving with a huge synopsis of how I mistreated him his entire 26 years.  I remarried two years ago and we are a happy, content couple.  My son has modeled his father's negative life attitude.  Bottom line:  his anger is HIS anger and I refuse to let it simmer in my pot!  I am sad for him and me, but I need to focus on the positive.  Time and maturity may mend this...or it may not; my door remains open to possibilities.