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Started by love3, July 16, 2015, 05:59:49 pm

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Monroe

Quote from: confusedbyinlaws on August 03, 2015, 01:28:44 pm

One thing I have learned from my relationship with my MIL is that as a MIL, I am a guest in my children's life and their family and not the other way around.  It is their family, their home and their way of doing things and if I get to be a part of that it is a privilege.    I don't have the right to dictate to them how to run their lives, even if I don't agree with how they do things. That doesn't mean they get to tell me how to live my life or what I should do for them either. 
When I entered into marriage with my husband, I was eager to please my inlaws.  However they viewed the situation as I was joining their family and needed to adapt to them, and so I tried.   When I didn't adapt to all the things they liked and believed, I was criticized. I wish I would have realized that the criticism should not have been taken personally, because it was about them and not me. 



Hi Confused - I agree with you- - I am a guest in my son's and DIL's life, now that he is self-supporting, etc.  My job was to raise him to be independent and self sufficient.  I have succeeded in that - and I am totally a guest in his life NOW. 

But when they were both still in school and we were supporting DS, paying all tuition, room, board, etc.,  and she joined us on a family trip, all of HER expenses paid by us as well - she was a guest in our lives.  I don't think you were directing any comment at me, but I think the situation  both Pooh and I  faced with the son finding the true love at a very early stage in life, when education not completed, when son still totally financially dependent on parents, when our parenting job is not done - is very different from a situation where the son is through with school, has a job, is not living at parents' house, is not taking $$$ from parents  In that situation, our parenting job is done, we are not paying for anything and we have no right to call the shots at all.   

I think we agree - just wanted to point out the difference in when the son is young and our parenting is not over, and when the son is out of school, on his own financially, and our parenting IS over, at which point we are nothing more than guests in his life.   

I also liked and totally agree with your comment that "they (don't) get to tell me how to live my life or what I should do for them either."

Hooray.  I am enjoying my freedom.   How about you?

confusedbyinlaws

Monroe,  my comments were not directed at you and Pooh.  I was just speaking of my own experience.  It's a different experience when the son is not yet grown and you are still responsible for them. 

love3

Oh my gosh . To the people saying when their son was in school blah blah blah.

If your son/daughter is UNDER the age of 18 and still in school. Yes, you get to have rules in your house. That DOES NOT mean you get to control who they want to be with and love.

If doesn't matter if your son is still at home waiting to graduate or in college . It doesn't matter that your paying for his books, tuition, own apartment, car, loans. IT DOESNT MATTER. They are over the age of 18 stop trying to control how they live their life and who they get to see. Just because your paying for their things does not mean you get to "call the shots". Their big boys by then. The only reason some mil's do this is to KEEP continuing for their sons to "NEED" them.

Just because your dil came into your sons life during high school, in college DOES NOT mean you get to treat her like poop and try to break up their relationship ,and CONTROL them as well JUST because your paying for your sons things. It does not work that way. Your dil is a human being , a person just like you. That is why you mils have problems with your dil's.  You treated them badly before so you broke that relationship for the future . Cause and effect people.

It doesn't matter what school situation your son is in that doesn't give you the right to treat your dil badly. If it was that much of a problem your son could get his own job and pay for their own things like they should have learned by the age of 18. If that wasn't possible well guess what? You still don't get to treat your dil like crap beneath your shoe!

Just had to say my piece that ALOT of others were thinking and I'm sure wanted to say. And now I'm out of here!

Monroe

Quote from: love3 on August 19, 2015, 06:11:17 pm
Oh my gosh . To the people saying when their son was in school blah blah blah.

If your son/daughter is UNDER the age of 18 and still in school. Yes, you get to have rules in your house. That DOES NOT mean you get to control who they want to be with and love.

If doesn't matter if your son is still at home waiting to graduate or in college . It doesn't matter that your paying for his books, tuition, own apartment, car, loans. IT DOESNT MATTER. They are over the age of 18 stop trying to control how they live their life and who they get to see. Just because your paying for their things does not mean you get to "call the shots". Their big boys by then. The only reason some mil's do this is to KEEP continuing for their sons to "NEED" them.

Just because your dil came into your sons life during high school, in college DOES NOT mean you get to treat her like poop and try to break up their relationship ,and CONTROL them as well JUST because your paying for your sons things. It does not work that way. Your dil is a human being , a person just like you. That is why you mils have problems with your dil's.  You treated them badly before so you broke that relationship for the future . Cause and effect people.

It doesn't matter what school situation your son is in that doesn't give you the right to treat your dil badly. If it was that much of a problem your son could get his own job and pay for their own things like they should have learned by the age of 18. If that wasn't possible well guess what? You still don't get to treat your dil like crap beneath your shoe!

Just had to say my piece that ALOT of others were thinking and I'm sure wanted to say. And now I'm out of here!


Pooh and I were the ones who had sons find their true loves while still in school, so thank you for the blah, blah, blah. 

Yes, we get to have rules when the son is young and in school.  No, that doesn't mean we control who they love.  Nothing Pooh or I ever posted even hinted at that, so I think you have completely misread anything Pooh or I ever posted. 

Paying for their books, tuition, etc. does give us the right to set some rules - like they have to keep their grades up if they expect us to continue to pay for all that.  Pooh's rules for having her son study, etc. was NOT to have her son still NEED her.  It was so he would get a good education and be independent and self-sufficient as I dare say 90% or more of MILs want their sons to be.   There is also no hint that either Pooh or I treated the girlfriend like poop and tried to break up their relationship and control them as well.  We did not treat them badly.  We simply wanted our sons to get their education so they could be successful adults with whatever woman they chose to spend their lives.  Yes, sons could have turned down any financial help for college, and graduated with $100,000 in debt.   

What a great way to start married life.  How much nicer that they got to start with zero student loans.   

Nothing ever posted ever so much as hinted that either of our DILs were treated like crap beneath our shoes. 

This forum is supposed to be a constructive exchange of thoughts.   Your "Blah, blah, blah" comment and accusations that either Pooh or I have treated the DILs badly, like crap beneath our shoes are unwarranted and inappropriate. 

I have read enough of Pooh's posts over the last few years to feel comfortable betting a large sum of money that she has never treated anyone like crap.   I believe apologies are due. 

love3

Look, the only thing I'm targeting is the school issue.  People are on here discussing and wondering why their dil's  dislike them so much or have a problem with them. I am giving you an honest insight .
Getting good grades of course should be an expectation.  But what if your son doesn't keep up with grades,  what if he drops out of college? Is that your dil's fault? No it's not. What if he starts of his marriage having to pay back school loans?  Or with a low paying job? So what? At least he's happy with what he decided and who he wants to be with. Everything the son did is his choice point blank period! You can say you wanted the best for him of course, fine. But that does not give the mil any right or reason to put down the dil in any way and blame her for anything that went wrong during his schooling.  Obviously the mil did or said something for the dil to have a problem with her.  I'm done here now. Go ahead and attack me for speaking the obvious truth ! I'm not discussing this any further.  Good luck! 😊

jdtm

QuoteObviously the mil did or said something for the dil to have a problem with her.


Not necessarily.  We were accused of things we never said, never did, ere never even thought.  People with mental health issues usually misconstrue words, actions and attitudes.  Unfortunately, it took me years to figure this out and years to realize why our ex-DIL was so - shall we say - difficult.  Usually, things are not black and white.  Of course the opposite could be the situation - the MIL having mental health issues and the DIL being the "victim".

Lillycache

I think we all should take the opportunity to again be thankful for Louise and her providing us a safe place to vent and discuss our issues.  This if anything should remind us all of WHY this forum was created and why it was necessary.

PatiencePlease

The older I become, the more I choose to color the world and the people who live in it as gray. 

We all have faults, we all have gifts.  I would rather live my days appreciating the gifts and forgiving the faults of others. 

Life and relationships can not be categorized as simply black and white.  Life is way too short to judge others.  Appreciate each day and let some of the annoyances roll off -- it just isn't worth it to let the annoyances darken your days or perceptions.

Yes, I'm feeling sentimental today.  I'm in the midst of welcoming new grand babies while slowly and sadly closing the door on my aging parents.  Bittersweet, yet grateful.

Just wanted to put my public service announcement in for today  ....  :) 


lrubyhumbird

No one should try to control or manipulated anyone. Mil or Dil! To have a genuine relationship it should not be one sided with the man stuck in the middle. It is not fair to him. But when they are young and needing the parents still, yes the parents have a right to handle certain things as long as ds is being financially supported. There is nothing unreasonable about it. Once Ds becomes 18 he is an adult but not yet indepedent,there needs to be boundaries set. Parents need to be respected, otherwise go out and support yourself. After 18 parents owe you nothing. And the Dil needs to remember she wouldn't have such a great guy without the parents help. RESPECT of everything parents do is what is missing.

love3

One last thing. My point is:  NOTHING and I mean NOTHING gives the mil the right  to put down, disrespect, control and belittle the dil. Not the age, not before the age of 18 , not during the age of 18, and not after the age of 18. If your dil disrespects you or starts problems with you personally that's a different issue that needs handling. But she is not to blame for your sons future.  The only way you get to have rules in your home is if your son lives with you and is under the age of 18 . If he still lives with you after the age of 18 he is not obliged to follow your rules besides being respectful to his parents , he's not going to follow your rules at the age of 18 (such curfews, what to eat, who to see and who to date!) just because he lives with you . Kick him out if you don't like it. Your kids already start to take a life of their own when their about to graduate high school. This is the learning to accept and let go!

Lillycache

Love3...   Not one of us needs to be lectured by YOU..   You said you were leaving... Now go..    Hopefully Louise will step in and remove your posts..   This is NOT what this site is about.. 

love3

I bet you would like my posts deleted because it's the truth.  Even though  I'm the one who started this topic that you responded to. You all are so quick to complain, gang up and talk about your sons and dil's on this site but how dare a dil has a voice of her own!!! I am leaving thank you.  And you can stay here on this site forever complaining about your sons , dils , and how you have no relationship with, who won't let you see their kids, etc. You reap what you sow ! 

Still love you good TRUE  always respectful mother in laws and no disrespect to you!

Monroe

Quote from: love3 on August 20, 2015, 05:18:01 pm
You all are so quick to complain, gang up . . . . . .   And you can stay here on this site forever complaining about your sons , dils ,   



What I see on this site are MILs who are sometimes bewildered by an adult child or DIL or SIL's behavior, who are seeking understanding.  Like me, they often don't ever understand - but they learn acceptance.  That they don't need to understand WHY.   They only need to accept that it IS.  So I do not see the complaining, ganging up MILs that you see.   I see well-intentioned MILs, sometimes hurting MILs, who soon realize they don't need to understand, only that they need to accept. 

Maybe take a look from a different perspective. 

Stilllearning

Love3 there are a lot of lessons out there for everyone.  Once you have raised your children and seen them happily married you may see life a little differently.  Until then I think this site has nothing to offer you.  You want to change OUR attitudes, not understand how to handle your situation.  Anyone who wants to convince us that they are right and we are wrong is a bad fit for this site.  The ones who benefit from this site are the ones who are just looking for answers and this site honestly does not have any answers.  It has acceptance.  It has a safe place to vent.  It has a feeling of not being alone.  You, unfortunately, have not gotten any of that from this site.  I wish you luck in your endeavors and peace in your life.  I wish you an end to the anger I feel pouring from your keyboard.  Good luck!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Pooh

Well now.  This took an ugly turn for some reason.  First and foremost, although I am involved with this conversation on a personal level, I am also a moderator and we don't allow anyone, no matter if it's MIL or DIL to be disrespectful to another member.  We will allow a certain amount of "discussion" but we do not allow someone to just be flat out disrespectful.

Now that I have that out of the way...I will answer the "truths" you put out there.  Respect is a two way street.  Yes, my Son was 17 when he started dating his now Wife, who was 19 at the time.  Yes, he was starting his Senior year of school and starting College applications.  Yes, he wanted to attend a certain college that was about 3 hours from home.  That was his dream, not mine.  I was a typical parent.  I wanted both of my Sons to attend college because I knew how tough life would be without a degree in today's time...but, it was and has always been their choice.  He was told that if he wanted to go to college, we would help as much as possible, but he was also responsible to do his part, which was keep his grades up and fill out all of the appropriate paperwork, essays, etc. that it took to apply for his scholarships.  He continued to say that he wanted to attend this certain college.  After my now DIL came into the picture, she came to me and said, "Hey, he needs to go the same college I do here locally."  I asked her why that was?  Her answer, "So we can be together."  I responded, "Well, if he wants to do that, that's up to him."  That was it.  I asked him later if he had chaned his mind and if he wanted to attend the local one now.  His answer, "No.  But she wants me to."  My answer, "Well, you know that you have to follow your dreams.  You can still see her, it's not that far."  That was it.  She told him to stop filling out applications for his dream school and I encouraged him to continue.

It went downhill from there.  She was at my house almost every evening.  I cooked every evening and she would fix a plate, leave her dirty dishes in the living room and leave without so much as a thank you.  I finally confronted my Son about it and told him that just like any of his "male" guests, he was responsible for either having them clean up after themselves or he was responsible for doing it.  He basically told her to start cleaning up after herself or he was going to have to do it.  She was mad at me about it.  He and I had an interview with a school counselor after one of his High School Basketball games.  Immediately afterwards.  It was his last chance to apply for a scholarship and this counselor was nice enough to meet with us on the very last night of the deadline, at 10:00 pm after a basketball game, because my Son had procrastinated.  DIL/Girlfriend was at the game and afterwards, came up to me while he was in the dressing room changing and said, "Hey.  He's going with me to Sonic to eat when he comes out."  I responded, "He can't.  We have an immediate meeting with a counselor as soon as he comes out."  She stomped her foot, and screamed, "You can't tell him what to do!"  She did this in front of 50 other parents, teachers, coaches, etc.  I was very embarrassed.  I said nothing, but when my Son came out, I told him he very much needed to have a talk with her.  That I would no longer be disrespected and especially not in front of a crowd like that.  I never confronted her over any of these situations, because to me, that was something my Son needed to do.  They were dating.

I could go on and on and on.  So before you think that I was disrespectful of her, you might want to read the "truth" of how it was at my house.  I still, after they were engaged, did their entire rehearsal dinner, held the wedding at my parent's house (their choice) and tried every way in the world to let bygones be bygones.  I never once, after he graduated, told him or her what to do, where to go, how to do it.  The day after the wedding, she told him that they did not need his family any longer, they had hers.  I tried for two years to reconnect with them and start fresh.  My parenting job was over and I wanted to try to have an adult relationship.  She wanted nothing to do with it.  I can't change that.  That is their decision.

Now, the big question.  Put in the same position, I would do the exact same thing again.  So, before you think I must have done something, you might want to consider that she might have done something.  Respect is a two way street.  I also know that there are DILS's out there that got the shaft with their MIL's and that they didn't do anything.  They simply married the MIL's Son which made them the enemy.  I also know that from experience.  That's the difference between you and I.  I have been on both sides of the equation and neither are pretty or fun.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell