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Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.

Started by BlueLotus, July 08, 2015, 01:01:37 am

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Pooh

Lilly, I think because forums are created to vent for those that have problems, we don't get to "see" the good stories between MIL/DIL/SIL.   My DH loves my Mother.  He will tell you she is the best MIL EVER! And yes, he too, had a horrible MIL the first marriage.  She was very much like the DIL's in this thread are describing.  Picked out all their furniture, paint, clothes for Daughter....etc.  His Ex let her Mother rule their lives and her Mother was a happy little camper to do it, making his life hard.  So he has comparison.  He truly thinks my Mother is the best ever and they jokingly introduce each other, "My FAVORITE Mother-In-Law and My FAVORITE Son-In-Law".   I also, after have the horrible Ex MIL, love my MIL now.  Her and I sit and laugh for hours!  She is absolutely wonderful.   We don't hear about these good ones much, because frankly, there are no problems to go to forums and complain about!

Now I have the DIL I love and the DIL I can't get along with.  In my case, it is totally a personality clash.  We are frankly, two very different people.  That really is the bottom line.  She expected me to treat her like her own Mother does, which is like a Princess.  To always get her own way, for us to answer only "How High?" when she said "Jump" and for us to do anything she wanted, when she said and how she said.   She was raised this way.  I was raised to be independent, to rely on myself and not expect anyone to give me anything.  If I want something, I must earn it.  I was raised to compromise, she was not.  I was raised that all people make mistakes and deserve forgiveness.  She was raised that people are disposable.  Don't like my way, Bye Felicia!  I was raised that two people who don't agree, can both still have a valid point and can still get along.  She was raised that if someone doesn't bow to her commands, she doesn't need to get along.  So yes, we have clashed from day one.  I will admit that if she wasn't my DIL and I met her on the street, I would detest her and we wouldn't be friends.

I have said before, my OS is collateral damage.  He fell in love with her and chose her.  I don't understand that at all because of the type she is, but it's not my place to understand.  The bottom line is: He loves her and wants to be with her.  He chose his path and that included agreeing with her that if her and his family couldn't get along, then he would stick with her and kiss his family goodbye.  That we were disposable.  Wasn't my decision, it was theirs.  Together.  It took me a long time to accept that because I didn't raise him that way.  He and I were close as could be and I am the non-intrusive Mother.  So I could not fathom it was so easy for him to just write us off.  That was the pain I felt.  How could he?  How could a child that you raised, nurtured and loved just decide to cut you out of his life?  Guess what?  They can because he has free will.  I don't have to like it, I don't have to understand it, but I had to accept that it is his life to live as he chooses with whoever he wants. 

It really is as simple as that.  The hard part is accepting that this is how it is and to stop looking for the why's and how's.  There doesn't have to be a why or a how.  It is what it is and to move forward in your own life, you have to realize it's not about you, it's about the other person.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

BlueLotus

I just get the vibe that it's in some women's DNA to feel powerful, important superior. I think they feel like if DIL isn't cooking, cleaning, setting up the kitchen,feeding the family the way they do it, then it is the wrong way. If Dh doesn't call or spend time with MIL all the time, well then it must be DIL'S fault. I think it hurts to think of the possibility that other people might have other or even better ideas and sometimes children get busy or just don't feel like talking.  I think it's less hurtful internally to think that "my way is the best way", and "DIL is holding ds hostage or making him spend less time with me. Ds would never do this willingly" It's a defense mechanism for some.

Green Thumb

BlueLotus, you know how your FMIL is. You have to accept it and detach from it emotionally. She is not going to change. You can only change how you react and act towards her and about her. Some of the women here have gone low or no contact. Some have set boundaries, some are then cut off by their AC and do not see their grandchildren. The things your MIL does will be a problem forever. You are choosing this situation so make the best of it. I highly suggest you and Fiance get couples counseling before the marriage to learn to set boundaries -- but I warn that if he doesn't think his mom is a problem then you are spitting in the wind to get him to set boundaries. You can learn to set boundaries yourself, how to negotiate for what you want and need and how to politely stand your ground. Techniques for getting along with this situation. Every person comes with baggage and at least you are wise enough to understand and realize what is going on in advance of tying the knot.

Pooh

Quote from: BlueLotus on July 17, 2015, 12:37:39 am
I just get the vibe that it's in some women's DNA to feel powerful, important superior. I think they feel like if DIL isn't cooking, cleaning, setting up the kitchen,feeding the family the way they do it, then it is the wrong way. If Dh doesn't call or spend time with MIL all the time, well then it must be DIL'S fault. I think it hurts to think of the possibility that other people might have other or even better ideas and sometimes children get busy or just don't feel like talking.  I think it's less hurtful internally to think that "my way is the best way", and "DIL is holding ds hostage or making him spend less time with me. Ds would never do this willingly" It's a defense mechanism for some.


BlueLotus, that also can be said for some DILs as well.  Insert "MIL" into those same sentences and you have the same dynamic.  It seems to be a competitive nature in general, not just in a title.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Lillycache

I firmly believe it's in the female DNA to be competitive and distrustful of other females.   This IMO has been inbred throughout the ages...  It started out as competition for resources for survival, and for the survival of offspring.  That main resource was Men.   Women needed men to hunt, and to provide protection for them and their kids.  The strongest and best providers were sought and competed for.    Well... we don't need that any longer, however, the old instinct to compete against other females has not dissipated.  Feelings of insecurity and distrust still exist between women... especially when it comes to family dynamics.  The DIL is jealous of the MIL and her status with her husband..  The MIL sees the DIL as wanting her step out of the picture.  That does NOT go over very well.. and the problems start.   

shiny

LC, I agree with you, and another wrench thrown in is when the DIL gives DS his marching orders and he follows her lead instead of taking a stand like a man and not exclude his DM. That's how it's working for me now.

NewMama

Sweeping generalization don't help anyone. Some people here have problem ACs and CILs, some of us have problem MILs. It's the person, not the title.

I'm not interested in competing with my MIL over my DH - I know he loves me, I know he loves her. We have two totally different roles in his life. She is, however, completely interested in competing with me over my kid's affection. And every other grandmother in their lives affection. That is her insecurity issue, not mine.

And I know I've been on the receiving end of the "DIL is calling the shots" stuff from my MIL, and it couldnt' be further from the truth. I think it's sad my MIL thinks so little of DH that he can't have a thought independent of me regarding our family. I also think it's been incredibly frustrating for me and damaging for relationship with her to know I'm being blamed for stuff DH decided 100% on his own - to not visit her, to keep her out of the loop on purpose, and that if was up to him, she never would be invited to family events (birthdays, baptisms, etc).

luise.volta

Are we getting to the place of debate on this thread? Once we've all shared our experience that sometimes happens and then generalizations surface to defend our position. That's not what we do best. I think it may be time to wrap this one up. Love you guys!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama